My Spouse Won’t Have Sex With Me Anymore Because I Had An Affair

By: Katie Lersch:  Sex is often a huge source of conflict after an affair.  It can be awkward.  It can be infrequent.  Or, in some cases, it can be nonexistent. This can be because the cheating spouse feels that they don’t have the right to ask for sex or they don’t want to push it.  Or, the faithful spouse will find the idea of sext to be  just too much too soon.

A husband might say: “my wife refuses to have sex with me.  I know that it is because I had an affair and I do understand that.  But she’s been very open about the fact that having sex with me is kind of repulsive to her because all she can do is picture me having sex with the other woman. And because of this, she almost looks at me like a sexual deviant or someone who can’t get enough.  She says that intercourse should be a loving act among a committed couple and not just two people going at it like animals.  I asked her how long she plans to refuse.  She said she has no idea.  She says that even the thought of it makes her sick.  I do understand that most of this is all my fault.  But I also can not agree to a future with no sex.  She seems content just to remain a family for the sake of our children.  But she doesn’t seem very interested in being my wife in every sense of the word.  Honestly, I’m pretty sure that if she refuses me forever, I will cheat again.  And what else would she expect?  How can I get her to have sex with me so I will not have to be unfaithful again?”

I am going to be honest and say that it’s hard for me to answer this without getting emotional.  Because I am a wife who has been through this. But I am going to try very hard to give a thoughtful answer because I would hope that these insights would help your wife.

There is no time frame for resuming sex.  Pressuring your wife does not help.  If anything, that would likely make her feel even less sexual toward you.  Quite honestly, sex can sometimes be the very last thing on your mind after infidelity.  Because just the thought of it can bring you pain.  It can be very scary because you’re afraid that the act of having sex is going to make you think of your spouse in the act with the other woman.  That’s not a mental picture that you want.  You want to avoid this for as long as can possible can.

And, wives are also often afraid that the husband will compare the two women and believe that the sex with the wife is “not as good” or not as exciting.  She’s likely already worried that she doesn’t measure up to the other woman.  She doesn’t want to give herself another worry.

Does all of this mean that she’ll never sleep with you again?  No, not necessarily.  I sleep with my husband on a regular basis today and in some ways, it is better than ever.  But it took a while to get to this place.  I was not prepared to connect physically until I could connect emotionally. I was not going to be able to have any sort of emotional connection until I could trust again and believe that my husband was truly sorry and committed to me.  This did not come immediately.

And frankly, I am not sure that it would have been possible if I had thought that his only interest was getting me to sleep with him as soon as possible.  If I thought that he cared more about getting his physical needs met than getting my emotional needs met after the pain he caused, then I may not have been interested in the sexual aspect of my marriage anymore.

You need to understand how devastating and painful this is to your wife.  Quite honestly, I believe that the quickest way to resume your sex life is to turn your attention away from it and place it back on helping your wife to heal.  She will see that you are interested in much more than just getting her to forget this so that she can resume her wifely duties.  She will see that care about her beyond the bedroom and this is vital.

This is not the time to be selfish.  This is not the time to think only of yourself and your own needs.  Put your wife first.  Have patience with her.  Understand how devastating your actions were.  Become the man that you know you want to be.  Become the husband that she deserves.  If you are able to do these things, her desire for you may come back.

It’s my own experience that having sex just for the sake of it isn’t really optimal.  It’s not likely to be a good experience if you’re not both into it.  I decided that it was better to wait until I could genuinely want it than to force it and have it turn out badly for both of us. You’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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