Our Sex Life Is Actually Better After My Husband’s Affair.  How Is That Even Possible? Is It Healthy?

By: Katie Lersch: I believe that most people expect a non-existent or troubled sex life after the discovery of an affair. This reality happens quite often.  Many couples struggle with sex after a betrayal.  And it’s easy to understand why.

However, you might be surprised to learn that these struggles are not true of all couples.  Some of them find themselves in a sex  life that has actually improved dramatically.  And no one is as surprised as the two of them.  There can be some relief with this.  And frankly, the couple are often having a good deal of fun.  But they can also wonder how this scenario is even possible and whether or not it is healthy.

A wife might say: “I’m a little embarrassed to say this.  But my husband and I are about six weeks post-affair and our sex life has never been better.  I am not even sure how this happened.  One day, we were having a heated argument and then my husband kissed me and we started going at it.  We ended up having the best sex of our lives and we have continued on in that way.  Some of my friends do not understand this.  They don’t know how I can overcome my anger and give him sex.  I honestly don’t know what to tell them.  It’s not that I’m not angry.  I am quite mad at times. But frankly, I’m enjoying my marriage more than I have in a long, long time.  I know that I should question it, but my husband and I feel close again.  He comes home to me right after work and we are excited to see each other and spend time together.  So it’s hard for me to pull back and risk being unsure and miserable.  Am I wrong?  Is this not healthy?”

I’m not a therapist or specialist, but I’ve known some couples who experienced what you have described.  (And honestly, one of them is still together and another is not.) But here is my opinion on this.  If you are having a good experience, feeling close to your spouse, and feel that the sex is having a positive impact, then I truly don’t see the harm.  As long as you are both willing participants who aren’t being manipulated, you are married adults who don’t need anyone’s permission to have sex. Below, I’ll discuss my theory on why the sex can be good, even after an affair.

Reasons For Good Sex Post-Affair:  I find it so interesting and telling that you said that the great sex started right in the middle of a heated argument.  This is common.  The high emotions and drama of a fight give way to wanting to have an outlet for those emotions.  Sometimes, the affair actually sort of gives your marriage a shot in the arm. It may have been a while since you’ve felt that sort of very high emotion in relationship to your husband or your marriage.

Plus, the affair makes you realize that your marriage and your life as you know it are vulnerable, so of course everything related to it is magnified as a result.  And this includes sex.  You feel more deeply.  You are more willing to try new things.  There is heightened excitement because of this.  This process can be completely normal.  It doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you, that you have low self esteem, or that you condone the affair.  Your sex life is not anyone else’s business and if you are feeling good about it, then I don’t think there’s any reason to worry about what your friends think.  It is your marriage, not theirs.

But Is It Healthy?: There might be a concern if you felt pressured to have sex because you felt afraid that he would continue to cheat if you didn’t.  Another concern would be if you are using sex to gloss over the issues that preceded the affair.  If you spend all of time in the bedroom and communicating physically, then you may not be communicating verbally and addressing the emotional issues.

I’m honestly glad that sex isn’t an issue because that is one less thing that you have to worry it, but I think you want to be careful that you’re not allowing all of this fun and excitement to misdirect you away from any issues that need to be addressed.  Because unaddressed issues have a way or cropping up again and causing additional damage later on.  And no one wants that when it can be avoided.

Addressing the issues doesn’t have to mean that you pull back from your sex life.  You can continue on while just scheduling some time each week to talk about things.  Some counselors worry that this “rebound sex life” as some call it is escapism.  Only you can evaluate if you are using it in that way.  But honestly, if everyone feels comfortable and you’re having the discussions you need to have and putting safeguards in place to keep infidelity from happening again, then I say take your happiness and pleasure where you get it.  And be grateful that sex is not one of the issues.

I admit that sex was kind of weird after my husband’s affair.  I did hold back until I was more than sure that I could resume it with enthusiasm.  Once I made that decision, I really wanted to boost my sexual confidence.  This felt a little odd at first, but it was one of the best things I did during my recovery. There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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