Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

by: Katie Lersch: People often ask me if it’s possible “to start over” after one of the spouses in a marriage has had an affair. Understandably, usually one or both of the spouses doubt that things will ever “be the same” or “right” again. They suspect that this betrayal has forever altered (or ruined) the potential of their marriage. Even if these assumptions bring about great sadness or loss, many people assume that there really is no way to make things right again. They assume that the cheating and the affair have introduced such a big obstacle and stressor into the marriage that these things can and will never be fully overcome.

I understand these assumptions because I made them myself. And I certainly can’t and won’t lie. Starting over after an affair is difficult and it takes a lot of hard work. But, it is not at all impossible. I have done it and I know countless people who have been successful at it also. In the following article, I will offer four ways that you and your spouse can begin to start over after an affair.

Make Sure That The Cheating Partner Adequately Expresses His Sorrow And Understanding Of What The Betrayed Spouse Is Going Through Few feelings are as devastating as knowing that your spouse has betrayed you in this way. It’s highly likely that you’re going to feel like the odd person out and that most everyone knew about this except for you. It’s so important that the spouse who cheated completely and truly understands what a huge mistake they have made. It’s perfectly natural for you to want them to “feel your pain.” And it’s equally important that they can do this.

For you to even begin to think about trusting them again, you have to know that they fully understand exactly how devastating their actions were. It’s very important that they continuously and clearly communicate this to you rather than assuming or hoping that you know how sorry they are for their cheating. If there was only one piece of advice that I could give a cheating spouse, it would be to directly and repeatedly approach their spouse to express their sorrow and remorse. I can not tell you how many times I hear people say “he’s not really sorry. He’s just sorry that he’s been caught.” Your spouse must come to believe that you are really and truly sorry – so sorry in fact, that you are not going to do this again.

Don’t Be Afraid To Delve Very Deeply Into Why The Affair Happened So That You Can Fix What Is Not Working: Many people want to “get over” the affair as quickly as possible. They don’t want to dwell on things for one second longer than they might have to. But, if you attempt to brush things off too quickly, you will likely always have flashbacks, fears, and struggles because you did not adequately identify and tackle the problems.

Issues that are not adequately fixed and put behind you have a way of rearing their ugly heads over and over again. This in turn is going to make you doubtful, resentful, and suspicious. It’s not until you understand why this happened and then adequately fix these things do you begin to be able to sincerely move on with a decent amount of confidence.

Support Each Other Individually, But Offer The Reassurance That Is Needed: Many spouses who cheat will begin to become frustrated when their spouse begins to focus on their appearance and self-esteem. Likewise, the spouse who was cheated on might balk at the cheating spouse wanting to try individual counseling. Both people need to understand that two stronger individuals who are happy and confident are going to make for a stronger marriage. Your spouse will most certainly need to restore their self-confidence and self-esteem after they have been betrayed in this way. Do not attempt to make them feel guilty for this. Their feeling good about themselves is only going to benefit you.

It’s also important that the cheating spouse does the self-work needed to work through the issues and doubts that lead to this sort of shortcomings and decision-making. Doing self-work is completely OK, but you also need to understand that your spouse is going to need reassurance that you’re doing this to help your marriage. You need to be patient when your spouse wants you to check in and wants to know where you have been. This sort of “checking up” needs to happen for as long as is necessary.

Work Together To Create A Marriage That Is Better Than The Marriage Before The Affair: In all honestly, the best way to “start over” after an affair, is to commit to creating a better, less vulnerable marriage. This is really the only way to bring something positive out of something so negative. And, once you are both happy, secure, and fulfilled again, then there is really no reason to continue to look back and to live in the past. Yes, it can be a lot of work to get to this new place. But, it can also be very much worth it in the end. I used to be very skeptical of people who said things like “The affair was the best thing that ever happened to our marriage,” but now I know that for people who can create a new and better marriage, this phrase can be true.

I was the cheated-on, not the cheater, in my relationship. So, I know exactly how the “cheated on” spouse feels. But, I also know that healing and moving on is possible. It took much work, but I did recover.  And I am still married.  You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

by: Katie Lersch: I sometimes speak with wives who are greatly struggling with learning that their husband has had or is having an affair. They are often shocked, deeply hurt, and feeling quite betrayed. Often, even if they have seen friends and acquaintances going through this, they never thought that this would happen to them and they’re feeling quite vulnerable and devastated, especially in the beginning.

I understand this deeply as I went through it myself. Sometimes, you wonder if you’re going to be able to get through this with your happiness and your self-esteem intact. You wonder if you have it in you to effectively cope with this. And, you wonder if things feel ever feel “right” or reasonably normal again. All of these things can eventually happen. I am living proof of that. Sometimes it just takes work and time, but it can and often does happen. In the following article, I’ll offer some tips and advice on how to effectively cope with his affair, while keeping your own well-being intact.

Accept That The Past Can Not Be Changed. It’s The Present And The Future That Counts: Here’s one thing that you can count on to be absolutely true. You can save yourself a lot of time and agony if you can just wrap your brain around the fact that you can not change what has happened. What is in the past has to remain there. You can’t undo this, no matter how much you might like to.

So, dwelling on this is not going to undo this wrong or turn back the clock. Many of us (myself included) spend a lot of time spinning our wheels going over and over this and lamenting how unfair it all is. It absolutely is unfair. No one can argue that. But what is done is done. It can not change. So your time and energy are always going to be better spent on moving forward and working on fixing what is in front of you right now. This is where your focus should be because placing it in the past is not good and only continues to wound you when nothing can be changed anyway.

Place Your Focus On Yourself, Not On Him, His Affair, Or What You Did Wrong: It may well be your inclination to focus on what he is and was thinking and feeling, and there may be a time for that later, but in the early stages, safeguarding your own well being has got to be priority number one. Worry about yourself and what will make things better for you, and not necessarily better for him.

You are likely hurt, confused, and struggling at times. There is a lot on your plate so you can not worry about what everyone under the sun besides yourself thinks and feels. You have to be your number one priority right now. You have to ask yourself what you need to make things as bearable as they can possibly be. This is not the time to be selfless or to worry that you are being self-centered. You are going to need to be your own most loyal and vigilant ally right now.

And, resist any urge to beat yourself up, blame yourself, or make any rash decisions. None of this was your fault. You did nothing wrong. You can not and should not punish yourself for someone else’s unfortunate decisions and actions. You did not cause this so there is no reason to blame or punish yourself. Although you may not believe me when I say that you might feel very differently with time, this often turns out to be true. That’s why you must take the time that you need and resist making lasting changes or decisions when you are probably not in the emotional state of mind to best do so.

When You Are Ready, Define What You Want And Need To Move Forward: Once you’ve had time to process all of this, take some time to ask yourself what it’s going to take to help you begin to inch forward. For some women, this means that they will need some answers. For some, this means that they want to work with their spouse on the marriage. For others, it might mean that they want to determine why this happened to keep it from happening again. Some will decide they need to be on their own for a while.

What you need is going to vary, but be honest (even with yourself) about what this is. There are no right and wrong answers. And you don’t get any special award or metal if you are a martyr. Remember that this is about you and your healing. You are the only one who is going to know what you need. And if you don’t ask for and demand it, then you may not get it.

When you have decided what you need and want, work tirelessly to get it without apology. As unfair as it is, sometimes it is you who is going to have to provide these things for yourself. You may have to ask or demand that these things happen but never stop short of what you truly want and deserve. Just because someone else acted in a hurtful way, this doesn’t mean that you should let this derail you. Your happiness and well-being are as important as everyone else’s. And honestly, sometimes the self-work that comes after an affair ends up being the most healthy thing that has ever happened to you. Because it forces you to define what is really important and to go after it.

In my own case, I might never have made the positive changes that I ultimately made if I were not forced into this life-altering event. Was it painful and awful? Yes, it was. But ultimately, I used it as a catalyst to bring some positive things out of what was, especially at first, a quite negative and painful event.

I know that dealing with his affair, no matter when it happened, can be very challenging and painful, but clawing your way to recovery is worth it. All of the work I did restored my self-esteem and made it possible for me to trust in my husband and my marriage again.  You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

by: Katie Lersch: I sometimes speak with wives and girlfriends who have found out that their husband or boyfriend has been cheating and are not at all sure how to handle it or how to proceed. Some common comments are things like: “I can’t envision our relationship ever being the same again. This hurts so much, but I still love him. What do I do now?;” or “I just don’t know what to do now. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I am filled with self-doubt. I want to do something to move myself forward, but I just don’t want to know what.” I’ll share some of the insights from these comments below.

Don’t Take Any Drastic Action While You’re Still Reeling From The Affair: It’s so common to become so upset that you want to do something very drastic and lasting just to feel like you’re doing something. This hurts so much that you want to fix it immediately. 

And, let’s face it. It can feel momentarily good to lash out and make a huge scene or fuss. Sure, this relieves the tension for a short time, but often, you will come to regret these actions and decisions because you weren’t thinking rationally when you made them.

Often we regret these reactions. They don’t paint us in a flattering light and sometimes they are just downright embarrassing. If you need to rage at something or someone, entrust this with a friend. Use your journal. There will be plenty of time to go off on your boyfriend or spouse when you’ve had the time to fully process this. But, give yourself some distance before you do. Your reacting very badly only him more justification for doing what he did. Many women will see this as letting him off the hook. It really isn’t. You will have your say, but wait until it’s really you talking and not just your gut reaction.

Evaluate Why This Cheating Happened: It’s important that you understand exactly why the affair happened for many reasons. And, if any good comes out of this, it will likely be a better understanding of yourself and how you function in relationships. 

This cheating is not your fault, no matter what the state of the relationship was. Your spouse or boyfriend had many other available options. They chose to cheat instead. Do not beat yourself up for this decision on their part.

With that said though, take a look at any part that you may have had in this, even a small part. I’m not telling you to do this to blame yourself. I’m telling you to do this because any information that allows you to improve, grow, and work on your own self-knowledge and self-confidence is a gift – no matter how you got it. 

Whether you want to save your relationship or not, one day you will have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and trust again. This will be easier if you know why this happened so that you can prevent it from happening again.

Deciding Whether You’re Better Off With Him Or Without Him: Eventually, you will need to evaluate whether you want to cut your losses or want to rehabilitate your relationship with him. This often requires you to look past the hurt and rage and to evaluate his behaviors and actions before the affair. 

Because there was a life before the cheating, and either you were happy with it at one time or you weren’t. Many times, we have a whole lot of history with this person and they do have many redeeming qualities, but we allow one act and one mistake to erase all of that. 

Again, I’m not excusing the cheating. I have felt the hurt of being cheated on and I would never excuse this. But, I also know that to move on, you need to separate the act from the man. You need to be able to think about whether he was good to you and for you before the cheating happened.

Sometimes, doing this will show you that he’s never been that great for you and has pretty much always caused you pain and self-doubt. Other times, this will help you see that he’s been your rock and your partner until this one event. 

Only you can determine if it’s worth hanging on and trying to work this out. But, I can tell you that people who can move on can separate previous history from one event.

Be “Selfish” And Focus On Yourself And What Makes You Happy: Many times, women make the period after the affair one that I call “all about him.” They want to know why he did this, how he feels right now, what he’s doing, and what’s wrong with you that caused him to do this. 

I understand why these questions seem important. But, it’s better to place your focus on yourself. Because, until you’re OK with yourself, it really doesn’t matter very much what your husband says. You’re not going to believe him anyway. He can tell you that he will never do this again because he’s committed to and loves you. 

He can reassure you that he still finds you beautiful and sexy and wants to be with you, but if you’re still filled with anger, unhappiness, and self-doubt, you’re not hearing a word he says and you continue to walk around dragging the anger and hurt behind you.

To move past this, you must create your own happiness and you must know that you can handle another’s shortcomings because, at the end of the day, you’re all you really have and all you really need. 

You can get by just fine on your own, but you choose to be with him or not because it suits you and because it’s what you want. You have to understand that you deserve and want the very best for yourself. You deserve nothing less than this. Only you can decide if your husband or boyfriend fits this bill. 

But your mind and your heart should be in a good place when you make this decision. It won’t be in this place if you’re not in a good place with yourself.

Restoring my self-esteem and self-worth after my husband’s affair took work, but it was so worth it. I now understand myself, my husband, our marriage, and our intimacy on a much deeper level so some of this actually benefited me. And I am a much stronger, more confident person as a result. You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com

 

Surviving The Affair is a blog I put together to share my story in the hopes that it helps someone else. I know that this is a very difficult time, and that forgiveness can be elusive, but working through it can truly be worth the effort. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, better times were ahead. My marriage eventually recovered and is stronger than ever. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self-esteem remained intact. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read that very personal story at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

by: Katie Lersch: I recently spoke with a wife who was struggling with her husband’s recent affair. He claimed that this was the first time he had ever cheated, and it would be his last. He promised that he would do whatever was necessary to restore his wife’s trust one day and vowed to prove to her that he could be a good husband and that they would be happy again.

Deep in her heart, the wife wanted to believe this. She did not want to lose this life that she had loved. But, she had to admit to him and to herself that she was struggling. She and her husband had talked about this issue to death. He was trying to offer patience and reassurance, but it just felt false. Their conversations always ended with her crying or the husband being frustrated at what he had done and how much he had messed up.

The wife really wanted her husband to pour out his heart and thoughts to her in a letter. She wanted this because she felt that if he could gather his thoughts without him looking right at her, he might say more meaningful things and speak from his heart. She also liked the idea that when she had fears or doubts, she could pull out the letter for reassurance when she needed to. She was also interested to see what her husband might say.

However, when she began to broach this with her husband, he was somewhat resistant. He did not understand why he needed to do this when he was standing right in front of her and constantly trying to tell her how he felt. The wife wanted to know how to get him to see that this wasn’t too much to ask and was necessary. Here’s my take:

Making Him Understand Why You Want Him To Write You An Apology Letter After His Affair: It was important that the wife make it clear that when the husband said he was willing to do “anything” to prove his sorrow to and commitment toward her, there was no reason that this “anything” did not include an apology letter.

With that said though, it might also be helpful for the wife to understand where the husband was coming from also. I don’t know many men who are entirely comfortable with writing an emotional letter – even during the best of times. 

Sure, some men will write letters in the very beginning stages when you are getting to know one another, but letter writing is most certainly something that women seem to embrace more than men, who would usually much rather just tell you or show you how they feel.

It was quite possible that the husband’s resistance did not indicate that he didn’t want to share his feelings with his wife or to offer her a sincere apology. It was just likely that writing it out would not be his first choice as to how to convey this.

But, that doesn’t mean that this was an impossible situation. I felt that it could help if the wife could explain why she wanted and needed this on paper. She wasn’t trying to punish her husband. She didn’t expect him to write a Shakespearean play. She wasn’t going to grade it with a red pen. 

She wanted to be able to hear his voice via the written word without interruptions and without both of their emotions pouring out. She wanted to be able to take this out and reread it any time she needed support. She should tell the husband these things of course, and to really stress the reassurance that she was not going to critique the letter harshly. 

And she should convey that his making this effort even when it made him uncomfortable was going to go a long way toward showing her that he was sincere when he promised that he would do whatever was necessary to help her get past this.

There’s nothing wrong will spelling out for him that this letter is part of what is necessary. Explain that you aren’t doing this to punish or embarrass. You are doing this because you feel that you need it as part of your recovery, and you are asking for it because you are confident that he truly does want to help you and give you what you need.

I know that asking for what you need after his affair is very difficult. But, I also know that healing and moving on are possible. I know because I did it – even though the affair brought me to my knees initially. Still, I’m still married today and I am no longer the walking wounded.  I worked hard on my self-esteem so I don’t always worry about it happening again. You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

 

by: Katie Lersch: I recently heard from a wife who felt like her marriage and her life was falling apart. A few weeks ago, her husband had come home and confessed that he had been having an affair with a coworker. He insisted that he was sorry and did not want to lose his family. The wife agreed that, although she was devastated, she didn’t want a divorce. After thinking about it for a while, she told her husband that she had decided that she wanted to work with him to save the marriage. Imagine her shock and disappointment when the husband told her that he needed “time and space” to decide where he wanted to go from here.

When the wife pressed him, he finally told her: “I’m just confused as to how I feel. I don’t want to lose my family and I never stopped loving you. But, I have real feelings for her too. I don’t know what’s wrong with me because I just don’t know what or who I want.”

The wife was so frustrated and furious. Here she opened her heart and agreed to work things out with him even though he had cheated on her and had risked their family. But that wasn’t good enough because now the husband didn’t know if he could let the other woman go. The wife asked me what she should do in this impossible situation. I’ve seen situations such as this playing out countless times. I’ll share my opinion with you in the following article.

Allowing Your Husband To Have Relationships With You And Someone Else Will Likely Negatively Affect His Perception Of You: The wife was afraid to tell the husband that he had to choose between her and the other woman. Of course, she was scared to death that the husband would choose the other woman rather than choosing her. But, what she failed to consider was that if she allowed this love triangle to go on, she was pretty much conceding that she wasn’t valuable enough to have a committed husband.

If she didn’t assert that she would not be anyone else’s backup, then it was possible that the husband would see her as “less than” someone else. This was precisely what she did not want to happen, but she was afraid of giving her husband an ultimatum. I suggested a compromise. The wife might say something like: “I can’t force you to make what I think is the right decision for our family. But, what I can tell you is that I can’t maintain an active intimate relationship with you when there is another woman in the picture. That’s not fair to any of the people involved and it is disrespectful to me. If you get to the point where you decide that you are committed enough to our marriage and our family that you are ready to completely end things with her, then you and I can discuss this further. Until then, it seems like what you really need to focus on is your own priorities while I will be focusing on our family.”

This wasn’t overly cruel or mean. The wife was merely going to be stating her position and asking for a little respect. And I have to tell you that if a man has access to both women, then there is really no incentive for him to make a choice or to be in any hurry to do so. As a result, he continues to be confused and unsure as to what to do. But, when it becomes very clear to him that he could well lose his family as the result of his indecision, then he will usually make a decision much more quickly because there is more at stake.

Restoring Your Self-Esteem And Your Self-Worth For Your Sake As Well As For His: I knew from first-hand experience that the wife was likely hurting very much. It was also likely that she was doubting herself and wondering where she went wrong. This is understandable, but it’s so important that you don’t dwell in this place. More than any other time, you need to be able to portray self-respect and confidence. You need to be able to define and then ask for what you want. Your husband isn’t going to respect you if you don’t respect yourself.

So, you must use this time to restore your self-esteem, reassure yourself that someone else’s actions are in no way your fault, and be very kind to yourself. Surround yourself with supportive people who love you rather than judgmental folks who bring you down. Almost overwhelmingly, I see that the wives whose husbands came back did not present themselves as second-class citizens who just could not live without him. They made it very clear that although they didn’t want to lose their family, they knew that they deserved a committed and faithful husband and were not going to accept anything less.

Sure, this situation was going to require work and time. No one is denying that. But, there is no way to put in this time and effort when the husband isn’t sure which woman he wants a relationship with. Until he decides this, you are usually better off conducting yourself with grace and self-respect. This will put you in a much better position when he wakes up and comes to his senses.

There was a time when I thought I would never get over my husband’s affair and that we could never save our marriage. I truly had to learn to be assertive, set boundaries, and ask for what I want. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage survived It took a lot of work, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self-esteem is intact.  You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

by: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from husbands who are desperately sorry for cheating on their wives and the pain that this has caused. They are also usually desperately afraid that they are going to lose their wives and their families. They are looking for advice on the most effective and meaningful things to do to prove that they are sorry for what they’ve done.

I have to admit that I’m sometimes reluctant to provide this information. I was cheated on also, but eventually, our marriage recovered. Although things are much better today, I remember the pain of that period of my life and I hesitate to give anyone information that they’re going to use to regain their spouse’s trust only to betray them again. But, it becomes evident after time that some of these men truly are sincere, remorseful, and able to be rehabilitated. This article is for those men, in the hopes that they can make the best of a painful situation and use their remorse as the inspiration to help their spouse heal.

Make Sure That You Can And Genuinely Intend To Follow Up On Your Promises: Insincerity and lies have a way of catching up with you eventually. Before you even get started on your quest to prove yourself to your wife, make sure that actually can and will become the trustworthy, loving, and decent husband that you’re promising her that you’re going to be. It’s so unfair to her for you to betray her trust more than once. If your affair was the result of any personal issues, then be sure that you have worked through them and confronted them before you attempt to ask for forgiveness or trust. Not only will this help to show your wife that you’re willing to do what is necessary to rehabilitate yourself, but it also helps to ensure that her trust is not going to be misplaced.

Commit To Taking Responsibility For Your Actions And The Healing Process: Other than betraying your wife more than once, the worst thing that you can do is to make silly excuses for yourself or to insinuate that your wife contributed to your own decisions. Don’t give her the old “but you didn’t pay attention to me or make me feel loved” excuse. Even if these things were absolutely true, you are an adult who is fully able to talk to her about this and ask for what you need rather than betraying your family and getting those things from someone else.

This was your decision and you made it solely on your own. You were not forced or tricked. Ultimately, you went through with this and she was allowed no input in this decision or any ability to stop it. This can not be taken back and now she is forced to deal with something over which she had no control. You must take responsibility for your part in this. You shouldn’t begin muttering excuses as a shield for your wife’s anger. This behavior will only likely appear cowardly and insincere to her. You’re much better off facing your mistakes head-on and also taking responsibility for not only the affair but also for taking the initiative to heal the affair.

Yes, your wife will have some work to do also and she’ll have to make some concessions, but the bulk of this burden is yours. You will receive her respect and attention much earlier if you realize and act on this immediately rather than only conceding to it when you are backed into a corner. The reason for this is that if she “makes” you finally come to your senses, she’s going to know or suspect that you’re only doing the right thing under duress.

Have Patience, Hang In There, And Give Her What She Needs From You To Heal From The Affair: You must understand that recovering from a betrayal this huge is going to take some time. You can not expect your wife to believe, trust, or forgive you until you have earned these things. This may not follow the time frame that you want or expect. You may have to have great deals of patience and you may have to stay put with loving support when she is angry and lashing out. This isn’t going to be pleasurable for you, but dealing with your affair is not at all pleasurable for her.

If you truly love her and want to make this right, your constant loving and remorseful presence must prove to her that you are sincere, committed, and intend to give her as long as she needs to process this. She needs to understand that you know exactly how devastating this is to her and that you are sorry. Also, she’s going to need your reassurance and your affection. She needs to know that she can believe what you are saying (even about the “little things”) at all times. Be exactly where you tell her that you are. Don’t tell even little white lies. Get her the help that you both need. Encourage her to do the things that make her happy and boost her self-esteem. Reassure her that you’re going to continue giving her what she needs, and, if this process isn’t happening, all she needs to do is to tell you where you’re lacking and you will improve.

If all of this sounds like a lot of work and a potentially long process, that’s because it is. But most men who have been successful at this will tell you that it was worth it and that it was directly related to the hurt that they have caused. This doesn’t have to be the end of your marriage, but you have some work to do to save it and regain her trust.

My husband never said any particular words that made me believe he was sorry. But over time, his actions did. And that is a big reason why we are still together after the affair and I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/.