Should I Approach My Husband’s Mistress?

by: katie lersch: I often get correspondence which ask questions about the best way to handle a husband’s mistress. Many wives want a strategy to get rid of this person once and for all. Many ask whether it’s a good idea to confront or talk to the other woman. Many wives hope that they can either threaten, reason with, or appeal to the decency of this person in the hopes of getting her out of their lives.

Often though, this plan backfires. The mistress is usually not at all receptive and / or does not react in the way that the wife had hoped. Honestly, usually the best strategy regarding dealing with a mistress is to not deal with her at all. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Usually Approaching Your Husband’s Mistress Makes Matters Worse And Not Better: First of all, I completely understand why you might want to talk to or confront this woman. Many times, we become very tired of hiding in the shadows and with dealing with this person who has uprooted our lives indirectly. We want to look her in the eye and make her confront and address what her deplorable actions have caused.

But all of our hopes and expectations are based on the hope that she is going to be reasonable and receptive to what we have to say. Our strategy depends on the hope that she gives us the reaction we are looking for that ultimately leads to our closure or to an improvement in our situation. This doesn’t happen very often. Usually, the mistress has her own agenda and her own needs that she wants to have met.

This is a person who hasn’t shown herself to have a high degree of integrity and empathy. So, depending on her reaction to give you closure or to give you the reassurance that you need is ultimately a very dangerous and potentially unsatisfying game. Don’t put yourself at her mercy. Often, she will use her words and her reactions to only hurt you more. Many times, she will be spiteful and will tell you things that are only meant to make her look less guilty. She will sometimes make your husband out to be the pursuer, even if this isn’t true. Many times, she will insinuate or flat out say that your husband is still trying to have a relationship, even if this is not the case.

Many wives walk away from this meeting or exchange or words feeling even worse and having more doubts. Instead of getting the closure that they want, they are now left with even more turmoil, more questions, and more uncertainty about their situation. And guess what else? Usually the mistress walks away from this feeling like she has the upper hand. She knows that she’s gotten to you and she knows that you see her as a threat.

Before You Approach Her, Understand What The Mistress Wants And Doesn’t Want: If you really want to have an impact on the mistress, you must understand her wishes and fears. Often, what she wants is a place in your husband’s life. Therefore, she wants to be front and center in your life. She hopes that you will react badly and harp on your husband and react to your insecurities because this makes her look better by comparison.

Don’t play right into her hand. Don’t make her look more important than she is. This leads me to my next point – her fears. Often what she fears is you and your husband moving on. What she really does not want is for you to pick up the pieces and move on without her in either of your lives. Now, you can’t ultimately control your husband’s actions, but you can control your own. You can chose not to place yourself in the middle of this drama and to not give her more power than she deserves. Usually, if you paint yourself correctly and just bide your time, this relationship will come to a natural end. When it does, you are in a better position to move on if you’ve not opened up a dialog with her.

Don’t give her any “in” to then reach out and attempt to communicate with you later. I strongly suspect that there will come to a time when you just want to move on and leave this woman behind, but if the two of you are engaging with one another, this will be even harder than it needs to be. At the very least, if you must communicate with her, do it in such a way where you can say what you have to say without engaging and allowing for further communications. It’s best not to interact at all, but if you must, make it short, sweet, to the point. And make sure that it’s only a one time thing.

I know that even contemplating your husband’s other woman is painful and difficult, but make sure that you don’t give her more power than she deserves. And, healing is often closer than you may think. It took a lot of work and patience, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at

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