Should I Contact My Husband’s Mistress To Make Sure That It Is Absolutely Over?

By: Katie Lersch: One of the biggest problems that couples have to overcome when healing from infidelity is the worry that the affair isn’t over or that the cheating will happen again. People often watch their cheating spouses like a hawk – looking for any signs that it isn’t really and truly over. Some even consider going straight to the source for confirmation – which is the other person in an affair.

A wife might say: “my husband has been swearing to me that the affair is over. But it went on for months. And from the looks of the texts and the emails that they exchanged, they felt strongly toward each other. So it’s hard for me to believe that these feelings just stopped one day. I have been watching my husband very closely. He swears that he is no longer seeing her. He does come right home after work. But they were so creative about how they got together to cover their tracks. So I don’t have any doubt that if my husband wanted to continue seeing her, he would find a way to do it and be sneaky about it. I found out about the affair because the other woman called me and told me. I saved her phone number. I have considered calling her to see if it is really over. I know that she would be thrilled to tell me if he’s continuing to cheat with her. But I hate the thought of having to listen to her smug voice. Still, I feel like I need to know for sure. Should I ask her?”

I understand why you want to have this conversation. The not knowing can seem worse than the knowing. Frankly though, I always discourage people from talking to the other person. It just rarely ever turns out well or gives you anything to improve your situation. So much can and does go wrong.

You are going under the assumption that she is going to be truthful with you and not play games. But she may have an interest in lying to you. Let’s say the affair is still happening but she knows that if you find out, it will be harder for them to meet. So she could lie and tell you the affair is over to make it easier for her to carry it out. Or, the affair may be totally over but her pride keeps her from admitting to that. So to hurt both you and your husband, she lies and tells you that it is still happening.

Another thing to consider is that part of recovery is restoring the trust. I know that it’s nearly impossible to just blindly trust your husband when he’s lied to you. But at some point, this is exactly what you are going to need to do. If you’re serious about your marriage, then it makes sense to realize that you can’t go through it forever doubting him.

Sure, you’re going to have some hesitations right now and that is completely understandable. But I think that it better to watch and wait very carefully than to invite the other woman into your life. You want to distance yourself from her as soon as you can. And you want to get into the habit of getting your information from your spouse and not from third party people who may have an interest in lying.

I know what you are probably thinking – that your husband has an interest in lying too. You’re right. He may. But if he is lying, it will eventually be found out. If you watch and wait, the truth will reveal itself without your needing to give the other woman the satisfaction that you’re struggling with trust. She doesn’t need to know anything about your marriage. She doesn’t need to know anything about your fears. She could use the conversation to exploit both.

I know first hand how hard it is to believe it’s truly over and being paranoid that it isn’t. But inviting the other woman into your life – even with only a conversation – really just adds to your problems. Doing this is almost inviting her to play mind games with you or to go running back to your husband to tattle. You don’t want this. Watch very closely. Question him if anything doesn’t make sense. But don’t let her back in. Move on from her. Don’t give her the satisfaction. Find out for yourself without outside assistance from her.

I admit that I was tempted to contact the other woman.  But I know myself very well.  And I know that once I got a strong mental image of that meeting and that conversation, I would never be able to get it out of my mind.  I also knew that dwelling on the affair was going to be a challenge for me, so I didn’t want to give myself one more place to dwell.   You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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