Should I Kick My Husband Out After He Had An Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who aren’t sure what course of action they want to take after they discover that their husband has had an affair. Often, they are so angry that they are almost paralyzed. Of course, it’s very common for your first inclination to be to kick him right out. It’s normal to be tempted to tell him to leave and to never come back.

But then, you take a breath and you start to think ahead a little. You start to wonder if you really want to never have this person in your life before you even ask the important questions or hear what he has to say. And sometimes, there are children to consider.

Common comments as it relates to this situation is something like: “I have never been so angry and out of control as after I picked up the phone and heard a woman tell me that she had been having an affair with my husband. If I could’ve gotten my hands on my husband at that time, I might have done him bodily harm. As it was, I merely told him to get out and go to a hotel. Of course, the next day, he started calling begging me to listen to him. I am not sure that I even want to let him cross the plane of my front door ever again. At the same time, my kids are asking about their father. My mother said I should not take drastic action that I can not take back. She said that I should give myself time to think carefully so that I can make a sound decision. I can’t even stand the sight of him right now though. Should I just kick him out? Or should I wait?”

This wasn’t a decision that any one could make except for the people involved. Family and friends mean well. They love you. But they are not the ones who are going to live your life. This is a decision that only you can make and it is not one that should be taken lightly.

Understand The Gravity Of A Snap Decision: Kicking him out is a very drastic and potentially final decision. If you kick him out, there are going to be a lot of questions from family, friends, and others. Sure, it’s no one else’s business. But just know that if this is the course that you are going to take, there is a much larger chance that people will know about your business potentially before you are ready for this.

Of course, if there is no doubt in your mind that you will never want to have a relationship with him again, then I understand thinking that this is an option. However, since there are children, it is not as if you can banish him from your life. He is the father of your children and you will be interacting with him for a life time because of this. No, you may no longer have to interact with him as your spouse, but you’ll still have to deal with him for the sake of your kids.

See If There’s Another Option That Allows You To Have Some Distance Before You Take Drastic Action: I usually suggest thinking about some sort of compromise, especially at first. And by compromise, I don’t mean that you should or have to compromise with him. What I mean is that there might be some way that you can stop just short of kicking him out.

You may tell him that he needs to stay with friends or family for a week to give you some time to decide what you are going to do. He can even slant it as a vacation or an extended family visit if you want to keep this private for now. If that’s not possible, then he can stay with friends or a hotel in town to give you some space and to give you the opportunity to come to a decision.

Or, you could banish him to a spare bedroom for a while. There are ways to make sure he knows that you are off limits until you decide what you want to do or until you decide that he, and your marriage, can potentially be rehabilitated.

In short, there are several different options that might be a decent alternative to just abruptly kicking him out for good before you’ve had a chance to fully evaluate this when emotions are not running high. I can tell you from research and experience that quite often, your feelings and wishes can change quite dramatically from one day to the next. I often tell people to not make any promises or rash decisions. Give yourself the luxury of time. Make it clear to your husband that you are not going to make any decisions any time soon. Instead, you are going to wait and evaluate his willingness to prove that he’ll do whatever it takes to move toward rehabilitation.

This may or may not turn out to be enough for you. Perhaps you will ultimately decide that none of this matters and that you want him out of your house and out of your life. If that’s the case, then at least you will know that you made a measured decision that was thought out quite carefully.

I will admit that I made my husband stay away for a little while after I discovered his affair.  But I think it was clear that I never intended to banish him from my life, even if this was only because of the kids at first.  I was very clear on the fact that I was going to make very gradual and careful decisions.  I think that making snap and drastic decisions can backfire sometimes.  If you’d like to read more about my recovery, please check out my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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