Should I Tell The Other Woman I Hate Her For Having An Affair With My Husband?

By: Katie Lersch: Most people can understand how a wife would feel hatred toward the woman with whom her husband has cheated and had an affair. But what can be not quite as apparent is whether or not the wife should act on this hatred. Many wives feel as if this hatred is literally eating them up inside. They want to release it. Some of them even want to face the other woman and express their hatred right in her presence.

You might hear a wife say: “I actually know the other woman. Not very well. But I know who she is. Her child goes to the same school that my children go to. Both of us walk our children to their classrooms. So I used to see her every morning. Now, I take another route to my children’s classrooms so that I do not have to see her. This makes me a little disappointed in myself. I feel like I should stand up to her. She has seen my with my two children and so she knows full well that her actions were going to affect a family. I hate her. I loathe her. I feel like she is the lowest form of life on this earth. I have considered confronting her after my children are safely in their classrooms. In fact, I fantasize about this on a regular basis. I don’t feel the need to have a huge confrontation. I just want to tell her that I hate her guts, that I think she is deplorable, and that I hope she rots in hell. Then, I am fully prepared to walk away. I feel like once I have my say, I can truly put this behind me. But I honestly feel the need to say it. Is this a good idea?”

First of all, I absolutely understand your feelings. I felt the same way. You are justified in your feelings. And I also understand needing to release them. But I suspect you already know what I’m going to say. So many things could go wrong here. It appears pretty obvious that the wife intended to express her hatred at school time drop off. What if one of the other parents heard this? Worse, what if it caused such a commotion that her children learned of it? What if the other woman didn’t just sit there and take the words of hatred? What if she had her own feelings to express?  What if a nasty exchange took place right at the school?

There is so much out of your control here. I honestly would try very hard not to have a face to face confrontation, especially at my children’s school. That is only my opinion based on the fact that it’s my perception that face to face confrontations almost always go very badly and they almost never give the kind of closure and relief that was hoped for. Quite honestly, it’s more common that this type of confrontation only keeps the turmoil going or makes it worse.

I honestly think that much of the time, you want a couple of different things. You want for her to know how you feel. You want a release. And you want to have the last word. You can do this by sending an email or letter and you do not have the risk of a face to face confrontation going wrong. Or, you can stop short of this and write her a letter than you never mail but will instead burn.

I know that some people will read this and think that it is just not enough. They want to see her. If you feel that you just won’t be satisfied any other way, I would urge you not to do this at your children’s school. Ask to meet at a very public place like a coffee shop where every one can hear you so that things can’t get out of hand. And so that things are safe. Let me be clear. I always think a face to face confrontation is a bad idea. I think you can have your say without it. But I also know that some people are going to insist that it is what they need anyway. And in that case, I would urge you to do in the most quick, safe, and discreet way as is possible. Then, allow it to be the end.  Walk away.  Don’t keep churning it.

Frankly, she already knows that you hate her. Deep in her heart, she knows that she acted deplorably. She doesn’t need for you to tell her. And I suspect that saying this verbally isn’t going to give you complete closure. You get closure when you work through this issue and are able to take her out of the equation. When you have a face to face confrontation, you are only keeping her in the equation.

I am not trying to talk you out of what you think you want.  I just almost never see the confrontation work in the way that the wife had hoped.  Instead, I see more healing when the wife allows her to leave the picture completely. If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about my own healing on my blog at

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