The Man I’m Cheating With Claims That He Doesn’t Have Sex With His Wife. How Do I Know If This Is True?

By: Katie Lersch:  People sometimes assume that a woman who is cheating with a married man will take what she can get.  What I mean by this is that there is a perception that she has low standards.  After all, she’s having a relationship with a man who is committed to another woman.

Except that the husband might try to convince the other woman that this commitment is in name only.  He might tell her that he and his wife no longer talk or even have sex anymore.  And I find that, in some instances, the sex thing can be very important to the other woman.  For some, it is line in the sand.  Here is an example of the thinking that goes along with this.  She might say: “I really did not want to get involved with the man that I am now dating. Because I’ve known all along that he was married.  And I told him right away that I didn’t like it and that he should call me when he ended his marriage. He told me that it was complicated.  He told me that he couldn’t leave his children now.  But he said he hasn’t had a physical relationship with his wife in over a year.  He said they are roommates and nothing more.  He says he lives in the spare bedroom.  I told some of my friends about this and they said that I am crazy to believe this.  They say that he is likely having sex with both of us.  That’s so unsavory to me.  And if true, I would break it off.  I want him to do something to prove to me that he is not having sex with her.  But short of going over to their house and seeing his stuff in the spare bedroom (which likely isn’t going to happen,)I don’t know how he can prove it to me or how I will know that it’s true.”

I am going to sound like a cynic here and I am sorry for that.  I admit that my opinion is totally biased because of the correspondence that I get and because I see things from the point of view of the faithful spouse. However, the vast majority of the wives who I hear from were ABSOLUTELY having sex with their husband when he cheated.  That is why many of them are so shocked about the affair.

Honestly, your sex life coming to a screeching halt is one sign of an affair.  So, many husbands will actually go out of their way to ensure that their sex life continues on as normal.  In fact, some wives will tell me that their sex life was actually better while the affair was going on.  Why?  Because he is trying to overcompensate so as to not raise suspicions.

I cant’ tell you that there are no cheating husbands who aren’t having sex with their wives.  I am sure that some exist.  But I can tell you that I believe that many men are having sex with both women.   Often, he is living with his family in the same way as always, but he is keeping a secret.  This typically means performing both his fatherly and his husbandly duties.

Of course, I don’t know the man in question.  I am just guessing.  I am just telling you that from my own observations, men are most often continuing to sleep with both women as the affair continues on. He lies to the other woman because he doesn’t want for her to focus on the fact that he’s still participating in his marriage while he is sleeping with two women.  And certainly, you can understand why he doesn’t want to broadcast this.  If either woman knew, he would be in serious trouble and would have to answer to (and take responsibility for) his behavior.

I know that you want to believe that, in a sense, he is being faithful to you.  But, by definition, he isn’t.  He is married.  He is committed to someone else.  You were 100 percent and totally right when you said that he should call you AFTER he ends his marriage.  Because that is the only scenario by which he can be truly faithful to you.  Do you really want to be involved in a man who can’t look at the woman he committed himself to and tell her the truth?  Do you really want to be involved with a man who is actively living with someone else?  Do you want the man in someone else’s family?

Since this bothers you enough that you are searching for solutions, I would say that this is evidence that you deserve better. And instead of trying to find proof that he’s not sleeping with his wife, I have to tell you that the chances are good that he is.  If he ends his marriage, only then can you assume that he is not.  I know that this is not what you wanted to hear, but it is reality.  The affair is proof that there is already deception in the relationship.

My husband was most definitely sleeping with me and fully participating in our marriage and our family during his affair. You can read more on my blog at

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