The Person I Left My Spouse For Wants To Go Back To His Marriage. What Can I Do Now?

By: Katie Lersch: I occasionally hear from folks who at one time made the decision to leave their spouse to be with the person with whom they have been having an affair. At the time, this can seem to be the right decision. Because they really believe that they are in love with this other person and that they can not bear to be without them. They believe that the other person feels the same way about them and is equally committed to leaving their own marriage. But, when this assumption turns out to be false, not only can it hurt, but it can leave you wondering what happens now.

As an example, you might hear from a wife who says: “I’m embarrassed that I was willing to throw everything away for the other man. But this is true. I was and probably still am in love with him. I was sure that I could not live without him. I was sure that my marriage was completely over and could not be revived. We agreed that we would both leave our spouses and be together. We agreed that we would figure out how to blend our families later. So, thinking that I was starting a brand new future, I confessed everything to my husband and I told him that there was nothing that he could do to make me stay. I got an apartment where the other man would live with me. I waited for the day to come when we would live together. Well, he never has lived here. When he first told his wife, he decided to stay at a hotel because he didn’t want to give his wife too much to deal with at first. I was upset about this but I thought that in time every one would adjust. I fully believed that we belonged together and therefore, the universe would find a way to make it work for us. I suppose I was wrong. Because after the other man stayed in the hotel for about ten days, his wife decided that she would take him back and he went back. He told me that he has to put his family first and that he thinks that if I leave them alone, he and his wife can get their marriage back on track. I am devastated about this. Where does this leave me? With no one. Because now I have ruined things with my husband. I went on and on about how we belonged together. I made a fool out of myself. Now I realize that my husband is the one I should have stood by. What can I do now?”

I know that this must be devastating. You’re likely feel like the odd person out. But think about it this way. If the other man was weak in his convictions, then it is probably better that you find out now. And frankly, relationships that start off as affairs have a very little chance of success. So this probably saved you a little time, aggravation, and heart break. Because as much as it hurts now, imagine how much it would hurt if you invested even more time and emotion into it.

As to what to do about your marriage, although I’m glad that you are seeing your husband in a more realistic and favorable way, I’d suggest just focusing on yourself for a bit. Both you and your husband have been through a huge amount of emotional turmoil. Any attention that you give to your marriage right now is likely to be scattered. And your husband is likely to wonder if your change of heart is happening only because the other man went back to his wife. (I was the spouse who was cheated on in my own situation. And this is what I would have thought.)

But if you take a little time to evaluate where you are and what you want moving forward, then you will be a much better place when and if it is time to turn your attention to your marriage. But I would suggest allowing things to settle for a bit before you make any lasting decisions.

I know that you may feel as if you have been left in the cold. But, this might turn out to be the kindest thing that could have happened for you. It could be stopping you from making a huge mistake before you invested even more into it. And in the long run, it may matter to your husband and to your family that you never ultimately lived with the other man – if it comes to that.

But for now, take some time to really get quiet, get centered, and focus on what you really want moving forward. It may or may not be your marriage. But it should be whatever is in your own best interest and in alignment with what you really want tomorrow.

Focusing on myself was time well spent after my husband’s affair.  If I hadn’t taken this time, I believe that our marriage would not have recovered as it did.  Because the time made me stronger and better able to handle the challenges in my marriage.  You’re welcome to read more on my blog at

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