Unbelievably, My Spouse Still Loves Me After My Affair, But Now I’m Insecure About Sex And Our Relationship

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who very much regret cheating on their spouse. Despite their regret, these folks are very grateful. Because they are among the lucky few whose spouse has decided that, despite the cheating, they are still loved. Many of these spouses know that they are very fortunate to still be in their marriage, when their spouse could very easily be justified in just walking away.

Still, they often can’t deny that there is some undeniable damage to the marriage because of the cheating. Often, the spouse who cheated acknowledges and is well aware that the damage is their fault and lies within them. Still, in order to make their marriage as good as it can possibly be, they often want to try to address this damage. One example of the type of damage that you might see is that of sex and confidence in the relationship.

For example, I might hear from someone who says: “I admit that the cheating was all my fault. It is all on me. My husband was going through a very stressful situation and understandably, could not give me as much undivided attention as I might have wanted. I handled this like a spoiled brat. I looked for attention somewhere else. I never intended to end my marriage or to leave my husband. And I think that this is why he took me back and isn’t pursuing a divorce. My husband is not one to play games. He has straight-up told me that he still loves me and that when he committed to me it was ‘for better or for worse.’ So he’s not pretending that he is going to leave me or anything like that. He’s made it clear that he’s in this for the long haul. And I am very grateful for this. It is more than I deserve. We are getting by in our marriage. We are both really trying. I find myself insecure even though my husband has not given me any reason to be. I find myself thinking that just as soon as I start to get comfortable again, my husband is going to realize that he can do better than me. He is going to realize that there are women out there who would not need so much attention and would not cheat on him when they don’t get it. He may realize that someone else is better suited to him than I am. This also comes out when we are having sex. Sometimes, I find myself getting into it, but I pull back. I almost don’t want to be adventurous in bed because I don’t want him to see me as someone who is promiscuous or too free in bed. I don’t want him to worry that I am going to cheat again or that I can’t control myself. At the same time, I do not want for him to think that I don’t enjoy it. I find myself not sure how to act.”

I think that, if possible, you don’t want to “act” in any certain way. Ideally, you want to be free to express and be yourself. I know that this isn’t always completely possible so soon after an affair, but this is what you’re shooting for eventually. I think that, for right now, it’s probably best to follow your husband’s lead during sex. If he’s not indicating anything adventurous, follow the lead that he is giving you about his comfort level. As more time passes and you both begin to heal, you will likely feel more confident and comfortable.

Speaking of confidence, I do understand why you feel insecure. You feel that you let your husband down and that you are not worthy of him. From my experience with my own husband, I’ve learned that the only way that you’re likely to feel worthy once again is to prove yourself to be the wife that your husband deserves. This is going to take time. It will likely require work, change, and sacrifice on your part. But it’s certainly better than living your entire married life worrying that you are not good enough.

Yes, you made a mistake. And yes, you need to show remorse and rehabilitation for that mistake. You also need to fix whatever need you have for attention when your husband can’t provide it so that this doesn’t happen again. But beyond that, it really is up to your husband to decide who and what he deserves. As it seems that he has made his choice, then the best that you can do is to be grateful for it and to work very hard at being the spouse you know that he deserves.

You have to accept that this will take time. But when years have gone by and you have repeatedly and over time made this man happy and have been loyal, patient, and kind, then I’d be willing to bet that you won’t worry nearly as much that he deserves and will want better. Because by that time, you will have proven yourself. At least this was the case in my own marriage. Neither of us worry if my husband is deserving or not. We both know without question that he is. There’s more about our journey on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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