What Does The Other Woman Really Want In An Affair?

By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from wives who are trying very hard to understand the motivation of the other woman.  They want to know who or what they are dealing with, of course.  But many do not understand how someone would want to have a relationship with a man who is already committed or already has a family.  Who would want to be in a relationship that is so complicated and so hurtful.  When there are so many other men out there, why chose one that is married?  What could possibly be in it for her?

A wife might say: “I do not understand what my husband’s other woman is expecting to accomplish.  She has her own business and her own money.  She is successful.  She has never been married and doesn’t seem interested in getting married.  So I don’t know what she would be looking to get out of this.  What does the other woman typically want?”

It certainly varies.  In the same way that people have different motivations in all relationships, so too does the other woman. However, because I write articles about this, I do hear from many people in many different situations.  Below, I will go over some of the motivations that I commonly see.

The Attention And An Ego Boost:  In today’s society, people seemed almost starved for attention.  Many people base their value on how many “likes” they get on Facebook or how popular they are on instagram.  Our culture today seems to have the perception that if you don’t get a lot of attention, you are not worthy.

So many women in an affair are drawn to the attention.  It gives their ego a boost and they are thrilled to know that they can get someone else’s husband to pay attention to them. I know that it’s kind of sad.  But in some cases it is true.

The Excitement Of Doing Something That Isn’t Right:  People who are honest will often tell you that it wasn’t necessarily the sex in an affair that was the draw, it was the fact that the sex was forbidden.  Some people just like the thrill of knowing that they are doing something that is frowned upon.  It intensifies the experience.

A Relationship Without Attachments Or Complications: Believe it or not, some women who have affairs with married men do not want anything in return.  Some of them are very clear that they never want to be in a committed relationship.  So they get involved with a married man who is also clear on the fact that he has no intention of leaving his wife or family.  Neither of them want anything more than a relationship with no strings attached.  They feel that this keeps things less complicated.

The Continuation Of Being A Glutton For Punishment:  Some women have an uncanny knack for choosing emotionally unavailable men.  They may have low self esteem and are not doing this consciously.  They just seem to be a magnet for men who have no intention of doing right by them.  Sure, the men will take what the woman is offering, but they never have any intention of truly standing by her.  Because of her lack of self esteem, she can repeat this process several times.  She may or may not finally wise up and learn to choose men who are available either literally or emotionally.

A Lack Of Truth: Every once in a while, I will hear from someone who swears that the man never told her that he was married and she never figured it out until she was heavily invested in the relationship.  Many times, she never would have had anything to do with him if she had known he was married. But once she finds out about the marriage, she doesn’t break it off because she believes that she has developed real feelings.

The Hope Of Something More:  On the other end of the spectrum is the other woman who knows with her head that this man is married ,but is hoping with her heart that he is going to grow to care for her enough that she may eventually become the wife.  These women like to believe that they are special in some way – so special in fact that he is going to throw everything away to be with her.

These are the women who will continue to call and try to maintain contact even with the husband tries to break it off and honestly tells her that he is going to work on his marriage and stop cheating.  These are the women who heard the husband say that he had no intention of ending his marriage, but who thought that they could change his mind after a little while.

As you can see, women have various motivations and wishes when they have an affair.  One size does not fit all.  In the case that this wife described, the other woman may fall into the category of not wanting a permanent or serious relationship.  She may be the type of other woman who actually seeks out married men so that she can have a relationship where nothing overly emotional or permanent takes place.  This feels more safe to her and she doesn’t see herself as a threat to your marriage.  But obviously, she can’t make that call for you.  Because you know that the existence of cheating is threat enough.

I know that this is hard.  I did try to figure out what the other woman was thinking or wanting.  But I decided that ultimately, what mattered most was what I wanted.  Because at the end of the day, I was committed to getting her out of our lives for good.  That’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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