What Should The Other Woman Do When The Wife Founds Out About The Affair?

I sometimes hear from women who have been cheating with someone who is married. Some of the time, they truly believed that in due time, the man’s marriage was going to come to a natural and mutual end so that the two of them could be together. They wanted to believe that the marriage had grown stale so that both people would mutually agree to end the marriage. Once this happens, then that would free up the husband to pursue a new relationship.

As we all know, this isn’t usually the way that it happens. Usually, the wife finds out about the affair and the marriage does not just end by both people mutually agreeing to it in a healthy way. The wife is usually hurt and angry and, believe it or not, the husband usually panics and immediately chases after his wife, suddenly afraid that he’s going to lose his family.

Understandably, this can leave the other woman confused. This isn’t how things were presented to her. And where is she in all of this? You can see how she would feel left out in the cold and unsure about how to proceed. She might say: “I feel stupid admitting that I honestly thought I was going to live happily ever after with the man that I was dating. I knew that he was married, but he presented it to me like he was working on untangling himself from that. Still, he was always careful that his wife would not find out. But she did. And I was shocked when he immediately told me that he could not see me anymore and begged me not to make this harder than it already was. I’m very shocked by this. And I feel set aside and hurt. Now this guy and his wife are scrambling to save their family, but what about me? I feel like I need to do something. I feel like I am left out in the cold of all of this. I am tempted to try to contact his wife and plead my case. I want her to know that the husband represented to me that their marriage was over. I want for her to have all of the information so that she doesn’t think that her husband is loyal to her. And I want to see the other man and plead my case also. After all that we have been through, it is annoying that he is just going to walk away. What should I do right now?”

Honestly, I am not sure that you are going to like my answer but it is heartfelt and is what I honestly feel and believe. I will admit that I have been the wife in this situation, but I’ve had friends in your situation and I hear from many on the other side of the equation. I can tell you that statistically, the husband and wife generally end up together. It may take a while. And there can definitely be some uncertainty, but statistics show us that it is MUCH more likely for the husband to go back to his wife than to have a lasting relationship with the other person.  You can check this for yourself, but that is what the statistics show. That is why I do not recommend that you reach out to either of them. It is only going to hurt, annoy, and frustrate everyone involved and the chances are high that it is not going to affect the outcome in the long run. You’ll only be causing pain to yourself, the husband, and the wife.

I know that a big driving force for you right now is that you feel set aside and ignored. One reason for this is that it feels as if your course of action is set by someone else. Since the husband and wife have the marriage, THEY get to decide how things proceed, which can seem very unfair. So how do you get a sense of control back? By bowing out gracefully from this trio and focusing on YOURSELF, your own well being, and your own happiness. Take control back of your own life. Ask yourself why you’d be vulnerable to settling for a man who couldn’t be solely yours. Fix your self esteem and then vow to only give your heart to men that are free to return your love and be yours alone. All women deserve nothing less. I know that this might not be what you wanted to hear, but I believe that it is the healthiest option. It gives you control of your life, it really is the right thing to do for all involved, and it doesn’t force you to go against the odds. Trying to hurt others usually ends up only hurting you. There’s more than enough hurt to go around right now, so you can never go wrong with focusing on your own healing instead.

Believe it or not, I only want the best for all involved.  Statistics show that the odds are very much against a relationship that started as an affair.  Most of the time, it ends with hurt and regret.  The odds are better for the marriage, but even that can be extremely difficult.  You can read more about the road I traveled on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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