Why Did My Husband Have To Chose My Friend To Have An Affair With?

By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from women who are dealing with a double blow.  Not only have their just found out that their husband has been cheating, they have found out that their husband has been cheating or having an affair with one of their friends.  This can feel like a multiplied betrayal because two people that you cared about went behind your back in this way.  It’s very common for wives to say that they imagine the two of them laughing at her or pitying her behind her back.  Because this is so hurtful, many wives are baffled as to why their husband would chose one of their girlfriends with whom to cheat.

I heard from a wife who said: “out of all the women in our town, why in the world did my husband have to pick one of my friends to have an affair with?  It’s as if he picked the woman that I would have least wanted this to be.  One of my friends is so pretty, bubbly, and magnifying.  My husband knows that I feel insecure next to this woman.  He knows that although my friend and I are really close, I’m somewhat jealous of her.  In short, this is the worst woman he could have possible picked, in terms of how much it would hurt me.   I just don’t get it because now he’s saying that the last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt me.  But I can’t believe this.  Because by choosing her, he’s assured that I will be hurt at maximum capacity.  Why do men chose to cheat with their wife’s friends?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Often, There’s No Real Scheming Involved. Although They’ll Tell You It “Just Happened,” It’s Often A Matter Of Proximity:   Husbands will often claim that they never intended to cheat with one of their wife’s friends.  And sometimes, this is true.  Often, the husband has spent a lot of time with the friend and is therefore comfortable with her.  As a result, things don’t feel all that inappropriate when they begin to joke around or to begin to develop a closer friendship.   And this friendship is usually possible because of their proximity to one another. In other words, this is not a person that your husband would rarely see.  This isn’t a random or chance encounter with a stranger.  This is probably someone who he considers a friend  because you consider her a friend.  And then things get out of hand or become inappropriate.  Believe me when I say that I’m not trying to make excuses for the husband or the friend.  There is no excuse as far as I’m concerned.  But I am trying to put this into context for you.

Sometimes, The “Friend” Will Go After The Husband Due To Cattiness Or Evil Games:  It’s not at all unheard of for a so called friend to go after another woman’s husband.  Some women are just very competitive with other woman.  They don’t feel complete until they think that they are the prettiest, the most alluring and the most powerful woman within their group of friends. And, sometimes, when a woman like this sees another woman’s husband, she zeroes on him as something she must conquer in order to feel superior to her friend. Is this evil, immature, and psychologically unhealthy?  Absolutely.  But unfortunately, it does sometimes happen with some particularly catty women.  Does this excuse the husband for his part on this? Absolutely not. He could have said no.  But knowing that he wasn’t the aggressor can put this into perspective also.

Some Men Do Try To Hurt Their Wives By Cheating With Her Friends:  I can’t tell you that men never cheat with their wife’s friends as a way to get back at her or as a way to hurt her.  This happens sometimes.  But usually, you will know that this was his intention all along because he will literally want to get caught.  This wasn’t the case here.  Also, when you catch or confront him, he will almost relish in the whole situation.  Not only that, but your marriage will usually be quite volatile in the days, months, or weeks leading up to the cheating so that the husband seeks out a way to really hurt you or to to have an impact. He’s often trying to prove to you that if you don’t appreciate or see the value in him, then someone whose opinion you seem to value feels differently.  Again, that wasn’t the case here.  But I brought up this possibility to let you know that some husbands specifically chose the other woman because he knows that is who is going to hurt you the most.

In short, there are various reasons a man will chose to cheat with one of his wife’s friends. Convenience, familiarity, and psychological games are just some of the reasons.  I list these reasons to give you some insight, but I don’t think that any of them are valid ones for cheating.  With that said, I do know of couples who have been able to save their marriages in this situation.  It often takes a great deal of hard work and patience.  And it often requires that the so called friend is permanently out of the picture.

Thankfully, my husband did not participate in this type of cheating, but it hurt me and damaged our marriage just the same. And our recovery was sometimes difficult and hard fought, but we made it and our marriage is quite good now. If it helps, you can read our story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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