I get a lot of emails from women (wives and girlfriends) who are reeling from shock after they’ve seen the woman that their man cheated with. Often, I hear comments like: “she isn’t even that pretty. She certainly isn’t his type. She’s a touch overweight and sloppy. In fact, she’s downright ugly. Not to toot my own horn, but most people think I’m pretty and find me attractive. Honestly, I’m prettier than she is. So why would he cheat on me with someone who looks like that?”
It’s not uncommon for men to cheat with unattractive women who frankly don’t hold a candle to their wives. I’ll tell you why in the following article.
One Reason Men Cheat Is To Feel Better About Themselves And This Sometimes Doesn’t Have Anything To Do With Looks: Many men contact me on my blog. And many admit that they are fully aware that the other woman wasn’t nearly as pretty as their wife. But they often don’t cheat because of the other person’s looks.
Frankly, the other woman is often just convenient or present at a time when they are vulnerable – for whatever reason. She listens to him. Or she makes him feel more powerful or competent than he feels at a bad time. It often doesn’t have anything to do with how she looks. In fact, he’s usually painfully aware that she is not as pretty as you and sometimes, that’s actually part of the appeal – I’ll explain.
Men Who Have Pretty, Successful Wives Or Girlfriends Can Feel A Little Intimidated or Inadequate And This Can Make Them Do Stupid Things: As I said, I often dialog with men in this situation. Sometimes, they will confess that they know that they married or were dating out of their league. Some will even tell me that they weren’t good enough for their wife or girlfriend and that people always asked them how they were with someone like that.
Over time, they begin to feel undeserving, intimidated, or inadequate – even when this is not your fault and even when you have done NOTHING to make them feel this way. I’m not telling you this to defend them. I’m telling you this because I want you to understand how their feelings might have made them act the way that they did – and that their feelings are not a reflection on you or your looks and level of attractiveness.
It’s usually not that they found the other woman more attractive than you. It’s more likely that she happened to be there when he was having all of these feelings of inadequacy.
Here’s another thing I often hear. Men often say things like: “It’s almost like I knew that she was too good for me and that I was too happy – so I had to go and find a way to mess everything up.”
I hear this sort of thing a lot. It’s the excuse of self preservation. They feel like they are undeserving or unworthy of you and they subconsciously suspected that you would eventually figure this out and end the relationship. So, to keep this whole process from hurting them, they are the one who messes everything up first.
I know that you are probably thinking none of this makes sense. And sometimes, as a woman who has been cheated on listening to this, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me either. But the men who confide in me genuinely believe what they are saying.
Do Not Allow This To Change The Way You Feel About Yourself: Part of the reason I’m sharing this with you is that I don’t want for you to think that this other person was in any way prettier or better than you. I want you to realize that cheating often doesn’t have anything to do with looks or attraction.
It usually has more to do with whether he sees HIMSELF as attractive instead of his seeing you (or even her) as attractive. Don’t allow his shortcomings to make you feel as though you are not enough. Unfortunately, cheating happens to countless beautiful and successful women. But healing is most certainly possible. And the first step toward that is understanding that this most certainly wasn’t your fault.
To be quite honest, the woman my husband cheated with was relatively attractive. But, I hear of men cheating with unattractive women on an almost daily basis. It happens all of the time. And it doesn’t say anything about your husband, your marriage, or you. Healing from this is the same process as healing from any infidelity. It’s not always easy, but it’s totally possible.
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