Why Do Men Cry When They Confess To An Affair?

By: Katie Lerch: I sometimes hear from wives who are dealing with a confession of an affair and are wondering  what their husband’s reaction really means. Because let me be clear. Not all men react in the same way. Some men are quite indignant. Some are defensive. Some are cruel. Some are in denial. And others are sad, ashamed and remorseful. Some even cry. And all of these actions can leave the wife wondering what to make of his behavior.

Imagine hearing from the wife who says: “my husband approached me the other night very upset. He took a deep breath and he told me that he had something to talk to me about. I sat down. Then he started sobbing and he confessed to a short term affair with one of his clients. He told me that words can not express the shame that he feels and he assured me that it would never happen again. His tears did nothing for me at the time. In fact, they just made me angry. Why the crocodile tears after he ruined our marriage? But after I had several days to think about this, I figured that maybe his crying was a good sign because it meant that he cared deeply. But when I discussed this with my mother, she said that he was just sorry that he was caught. She said his tears are just a way to manipulate me. I know what she is saying, but when I think back on that time, I believe that his tears were real. He didn’t look like he faked it to me. Why would a man cry when confessing to or talking about his affair?”

This can be hard to pin down. I can and will give you my theories. But, the only way to really know the truth about this is to have the man tell you WHILE you are sure that he has a firm handle on his feelings. This is a tall order. Because honest men will often admit that they don’t know why they are crying.

I understand why people believe that a cheating husband is crying during the confession because he is caught. There is probably a lot of validity to this. But, being caught implies that they were trying to hide this from you and were not successful. This wasn’t the case here. The husband initiated the confession. He did not have to do this. His wife wasn’t even suspicious. He just decided to tell her the truth and to face the consequences.

I am only guessing of course, but I believe that it’s likely that he was overcome with emotions and was crying because he was having to face the consequences of his actions. And, he was having to face the fact that he himself was causing this type of shock and pain to someone who hadn’t done anything wrong and who hadn’t done anything to deserve it. I have never been in this situation as I was the faithful spouse. But many have told me that it is excruciatingly heartbreaking to have to look at the person you love and then explain how you betrayed them as you see the shock and pain on their face. This hurts. Especially when you know that you are to blame. So, you may just cry when the reality of this hits you.

I know that you are concerned about whether he is sincere or not. I can tell you that his actions are so much more important than his words anyway. He can say anything. He can do anything. He can fake a tear or sob. But at the end of the day, what he can not fake is how he is going to make this right and what type of husband he is going to be to you from here on. What matters more than his tears is how he rehabilitates himself, rebuilds the trust, and helps you to heal starting today.

My opinion is that his tears can mean any number of things. But it is far better to see tears than indigence, excuses, or justification. Rather than showing an attempt to justify his cheating or to blame you, he is showing sorrow. And to me, this is a good sign. But it is not my opinion that matters. It is the wife’s.

I did eventually see some real emotion from my husband after his affair.  And this did matter to me.  He did make good on his promises so in my case, my theory was correct. If it helps, you can read more about own experience on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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