Why Doesn’t My Husband See The Other Woman For Who She Really Is?

I hear from a good deal of faithful wives who are incredibly frustrated that their husband can’t see the other woman accurately.  To the wife and to many others, it can be painfully obvious who the other woman is and what she is after.  But to the husband, it is apparently almost impossible to see.  The wife can wonder why this happens and what she can do to overcome it

She might say, “It is so obvious to me and to almost everyone who knows my husband that the person with whom he has been having an affair is a complete and total gold digger. He met her at a diner that he goes to with clients.  She is a waitress.  She has nothing and offers no accomplishments to speak of.  I’m not even sure if she finished high school.  However, she is pretty. And she is gullible.  And that’s apparently all that is required right now.  I honestly think that if my husband was not successful and could not advance her financially, then she would not have anything to do with him.  In fact, I’ve heard that she has a history of cheating with married men and then she will dump them as soon as someone with more money or prestige comes along.  I fully believe that she is looking for the richest man that she can find who she can get to leave his wife and marry her.  She definitely wants to get married so that she doesn’t have to work anymore.  I hope that my husband wouldn’t be this stupid.  And he claims to want to save our marriage, but he also admits that he’s having a hard time letting her go.  This is so frustrating to me because the last thing that I want is to have this low class loser as the stepmother to my children.  But my husband honestly does not find fault with her.  He says that it is elite thinking for me to believe that I am better than her just because I have an education and she doesn’t.  He said that not everyone is fortunate enough to have those opportunities and that I should not be so judgmental. Of course, this totally ignores the fact that her lack of education has nothing to do with the fact that she goes from one married man to another.  I have actually considered a couple of plans to show my husband who he is dealing with.  I’ve considered offering her a large amount of money to leave my husband alone.  I know that she would take it because she’s all about the money.  I’ve also considered having a close male friend of mine pose as a wealthy customer to show my husband how quickly she will turn her head when a better offer comes along. How else will I get him to see who she really is?”

I completely understand what you are trying to do.  It’s very frustrating when something seems so obvious, but your husband does not seem to understand it.  However, I’d venture to say that deep down, he does understand, but he does not want to face facts.  He has eyes and ears and he’s probably heard the same things that you have about the other woman having multiple affairs with successful men.  So deep down, he probably already knows her history.  However, he ignores this because it’s just human nature to want to hope for the best.  We all hope that we are in some way special enough so that things will be different or unique for us.

Here’s another important thing to consider.  Men who have affairs are vulnerable men.  We all know the stereotype of the older, successful married men who falls prey to the gold digging, younger woman.  Nearly everyone in society is aware of this stereotype and yet, the successful married men (who are very smart) go forward anyway.  Why?  Because they don’t want to see themselves as the pathetic older man who is trying to hold onto his youth and vitality by having a silly affair.  They want to see themselves as a powerful force to be reckoned with. They are unsure of themselves and are therefore trying to create an image or to feel some relief from their self doubt, which is why they have the affair in the first place.

Seeing themselves as a vulnerable older man would run counter to this image.  It would force them to see themselves in a way that they are already trying so desperately to avoid.

Believe it or not, I don’t know of any situation like the one that you are describing (where you try to “catch” the other woman’s insincerity) as turning out well. Often, even if you catch her red handed, the husband will be mad at YOU, and not at her.  Why? Because your catching her makes him look like a fool and makes him face the image of himself that he does not want to see.  So he may reject you and not her, just to save face.

I know that this is difficult, but you are better off letting him find this out for himself, as painful as it might be when he does.  If the other woman is as shallow as you say, then really, it is only a matter of time.  And when it happens, he has no reason to be angry at you because you did nothing wrong, other than just watched and waited.

To answer the original question, cheating husbands don’t see the other woman for who they are because they do not want to.  They are so desperately trying to feel better about themselves and trying to craft a desirable image.  Facing the fact that the other woman is only interested because she is an opportunist is facing the pain and vulnerability that they are trying to escape from. Eventually, most men will try to avoid being made a fool of.  The other woman will often also make a mistake or will dump the husband for a better option.  And when this happens, you are in a better position because you did nothing wrong.

I know that it’s tempting to try to expose her true colors, but it is better to allow your husband to face the stark, cold facts on his own.  This might mean that you have to wait, but moving now might mean that he resents you anyway.  You are better off biding your time and knowing that the inevitable will come.  You can read about my recovery after my husband’s affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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