Why Is The Affair Sex Better Than Sex With Your Spouse?

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who have cheated on their spouse by having an affair. Often, these folks do have a good bit of remorse and they want to do right by their spouse. Many truly would like to repair their marriages in order to keep their families together. But, many have a hard time not thinking about the sex with the other person, which they can perceive as pretty great.

I might hear a comment like: “I am ashamed that I cheated on my husband. This is the worst mistake I have ever made. I don’t know why I did this. It’s honestly not like me. I am the type of person who never goes over the speed limit, always tries to do the right thing, and feels physically ill when I lie or do something that I know is wrong. My husband never suspected me of cheating because that’s just so outside of my typical behavior pattern. It’s also not in my personality to be wild and adventurous when it comes to sex. But that’s exactly what happened with the other man. In fact, that was the sole basis of our relationship. I don’t particularly even like the other man. But I sure liked having sex with him. And I can’t get those images out of my head. My husband and I are trying very hard to rescue our marriage. And we have made progress. But when I am intimate with my husband, I can’t help but compare it with sex with the other man. And, it’s not even close. It’s almost as if it’s not even the same act. I’ve spoken with other people in this situation and they all seem to agree with me. The sex is so much better when with the affair partner. Why is this? Part of me thinks that the other man and I just have great chemistry, but another part of me thinks that there is more to it. I’m not going to act on any of this. I’m just wondering why it happens. ”

People Fresh Out Of The Affair Often Have These Types Of Thoughts: It is very common for me to hear people say that the only thing which made them risk everything to cheat was the sex with the other person. But here’s something interesting. Most of the people who say this are fresh out of the affair. Meaning this whole turn of events is recent. These type of comments tend to wane with time. Why? Because once you have time to reflect on this when things aren’t as fresh and raw, you realize that it really wasn’t the other person or even the sex, it was that feeling of being free and of being someone outside of yourself.

It’s Not Usually Solely The Sex.  It’s The Way That The Sex Allowed You To Be Someone Else: It was probably no coincidence that this woman expressed that the affair allowed her to act in ways that were the exact opposite of what was typical of her. I can’t tell you how common this is. People who are shy will say that they were assertive in the affair. Or people who are normally the caregivers will say that the affair made them feel taken care of. It’s not a coincidence that people tend to use the term “escape” when talking about their affair. Because much of the time, that’s EXACTLY what it is. You’re using it as an escape from the things that either you don’t like about your life or yourself.

And guess what? This has very little to do with sex. If you talk to people say six months to a year after the affair was over, many of them will tell you that there wasn’t anything particularly special about the specifics of the sex. It was just that somewhere deep inside, they got a little thrill from doing something wrong or atypical. It’s the same thrill you got when you were a teenager and skipped out on school or when you cheat on your diet. You know that it is wrong and that you will pay later, but oh what a thrill it is at the time.

It is more of the idea of the forbidden sex than the sex itself. When I tell people this, many of them will deny it adamantly. They will insist that they had some sort of great chemistry with the other person. They will recount the adventurous sex as though no one else on earth has ever experienced the same thing. But much of the time, if you come back and talk to them six months later, they will have a very different story to tell.

Replace What Is Lost With Your Spouse: And here’s something that you may not have considered. You really can learn to have great sex with your spouse. In fact, I’d argue that sex with your spouse can be ever better. Why? Because you have history with your spouse. You have commitment with your spouse. When you look in your spouses eyes when having sex, it’s honest and real and you will wake up in the morning without betrayal on your conscience. Letting yourself go to explore new ways to tap into the parts of your personality that you don’t normally explore will give you the same sort of high. I know that you might be skeptical, but what is the harm in giving it a try? Sure, you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of your spouse but when you do, this can bring about a greater sense of commitment and excitement. And both of these things can make for great sex that is even better than the sex you had during the affair.

You really can learn techniques to have great sex with the partner you already have.  Most people don’t like to think or talk about this, but it is true.  And it is important in a healthy marriage.  You’re welcome to read about this part of my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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