Why Is The Other Woman Saying They’re Still Having An Affair?

By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from wives who are very upset that the other woman with whom their husband cheated is still trying to be involved in the couple’s lives.  Often, one way that she will attempt to do this is to claim that the affair is still going on or that she knows something that the wife doesn’t know.  This puts the wife in an awful position because although she wants to trust and believe in her husband, she’s already on shaky ground and she starts to wonder who (or what) she can believe when she doesn’t understand what motive there would be to lie.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had an affair with a woman who works in the same office as him, but not for the same company.  They rode the same train to work and apparently struck up a conversation and eventually a relationship.  As soon as I found out about it, my husband promised to break it off.  I now drive my husband to work even though its a huge inconvenience so that he isn’t stuck on the train with her.  I haven’t noticed any strange behavior on his part.  He comes right home from work and we have been spending many evenings in counseling.  Things had been looking up until I started getting emails from the other woman claiming that the affair is still going on.  She says it hasn’t ended and that my husband is still interested in her.  I have no idea what to think.  On the one hand, I know that he is driving to work every morning with me.  I also know that he is coming right home.  So the only opportunity he would have to carry on an affair is maybe during his lunch hour.  But he often calls me daily during it.  So, if this is an affair, then it isn’t much of one or it’s not one where he’s putting a lot of time and effort into it.  Why would she be staying that they’re still in a cheating relationship when the facts say that they’re not?”

There are several reasons that she will play these types of games.  I will discuss some of them below.

In Rare Cases, She May Be Trying To Tell You The Truth:  I am coming right out with these reason because I want to get it out of the way.  I don’t think that it’s as likely as some of the other reasons because the wife was keeping such close tabs on her husband.  But sometimes, although she is acting out of spite, she is also telling the truth.  Sometimes the other woman just can’t resist giving full disclosure because she hopes that by doing so, the wife will kick the husband out or become angry and give the other woman easier access to him.  Again, I didn’t think this was the most likely scenario here, but I felt that I needed to mention the possibility.

She May Be Trying To Hurt You Both: Often, the other women is hurt when the husband breaks it off.  She often feels a sense of betrayal.  And sometimes, she feels as if she has been lied to.  Perhaps she believed that the relationship actually meant something to the husband and now he is throwing it all away without a second thought.  Not only that, but now he gets to go back to his wife while she is left with nothing.  So you can see where she might be somewhat angry and vengeful.  So making you think that the affair is still going on accomplishes two things for her.  First, it gives you doubt.  She knows that you will likely angrily confront your husband and accuse him of something only because she planted the seed.

She may also know that even though your husband is going to attempt to assure you that it’s really over, that seed of doubt has already been planted and you are still going to have doubts. So she’s succeeded in getting some revenge by creating problems.  And she knows that this will cause you both pain.

And I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t continue to call and make these claims. If this happens, I would advocate changing your number or blocking hers.

How To Handle This:  It was really up to this wife as to whether or not she wanted to find some credibility in this woman’s claims or not.  It was clear that if the affair was still going on, there was very little spare time that the husband could contribute to it.  This wife might chose to just discard what the woman was saying but to watch her husband more closely.  This would be my choice.  I would use the information as a sort of heads up but I would doubt it unless I saw evidence of it from my husband.

The other option is to confront your husband and to demand that he tell you his version.  My bet would be that he would deny any wrongdoing.  He was invested in saving his marriage and he likely wasn’t going to let this woman jeopardize that.

The other alternative is to tell him about the phone call in a non accusatory way.  This will let him know that the other woman is being vengeful. But, it doesn’t cause any huge problems so it thwarts her plan. And you can certainly keep a closer eye on him if you still feel it’s necessary.

Perhaps that you can tell that I think you should take any of the other woman’s claims with a grain of salt.  She sometimes has motivations to try to make you feel hurt and doubt.  And she should be the least of your worries.  Your attention should be on your healing and on your recovery.  If it helps, you can read a story of recovery on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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