Why Won’t My Husband Stop His Affair When He Says He Wants To Save Our Marriage?

By: Katie Lersch: Nothing is as frustrating and as hurtful as finding out that the husband who is begging you to save your marriage after his affair is still reaching out and staying in contact with the other woman. This can leave you wondering which one is pursuing the other, if he is out-and-out lying to you, and, if so, why he would be continuing to lie in this way.

I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband has been having an affair with someone who goes to our church. I walked in on them looking very intimate with one another at church. I knew by their body language that something was wrong. It took a while for my husband to finally admit to this, but I kept at him until he did. And he broke down and started saying that he didn’t want to lose me and so he was begging me to try to save our marriage. I thought about this for a couple of days because I was really tempted to just walk away. I ultimately didn’t because of my children, but also because I don’t want to have to leave my church. So I told him that I would give him the chance to prove to me that our marriage should be saved. Based on how upset he seemed when he was begging me to stay, I expected him to pull out all of the stops where our marriage was concerned. But then I go to church this Sunday and I walk in on them whispering all over again. They both had guilty looks on their faces, like they were doing something wrong. My husband claims that she sought him out and that he wasn’t doing anything wrong. I don’t believe him. Not in the least. Why would he claim that he wants to save our marriage and then continue to see her? Is he just a liar? Is he just being cruel? Did he intend to break it off but then saw her and was not be able to resist? I just do not get it.”

Any answer that I give you will quite frankly be speculation on my part. However, I do get a lot of correspondence from men in this situation and I can suggest some possibilities.  That said, you may not know which possibility is correct until you have more information or until enough time has passed for you to better gauge the situation. But, here are some possible reasons that you’re seeing this contradiction.

He May Be Telling You The Truth: I know that it is shocking and upsetting to see them together once again. But, how do you know that she didn’t pursue him or follow him when he was minding his own business? I know that it’s perfectly natural to expect the worst of a man who has already lied and cheated. But sometimes, it is the other woman who is doing the pursuing and the husband is sincere when he says that he wants to (and is trying) to save his marriage. I know that it’s frustrating that you can only speculate. But, his future behavior is going to give you more information. Because if he is sincere, he will continue to show the behaviors typical of a man who is trying to save his marriage. He will come home on time, be loving and sincere, and stay by your side while at church.

He May Feel One Thing When He Is With You And Another When He Is With Her: It’s not at all unusual for a man to completely believe what he is saying when he tells his wife that he wants to save his marriage and then lose his resolve when the other woman is begging him to reconsider. That’s why it’s so very important that he stays away from her.

I know that you don’t want to leave your church and I understand that, but I would let the husband know that it’s expected that he stick close to you while there. That way, you won’t have to worry about the two of them being caught together once again. If he is with you for the entire time, she can’t approach him and he can’t sneak away.

It’s vital that he understands that his reaching out to the other woman in any way is in direct contrast to his claims of wanting to save your marriage.  It helps if he understands that if he does this again, you will need to reevaluate. Sometimes, he needs to know that you are serious about not tolerating him contacting or seeing her in any way, shape, or form.

I would suggest watching his behavior closely in the days to come. If he stays away from her and acts like a man who truly does want to save his marriage, that does say a lot. If you catch him contacting her again or he doesn’t make good on his promises regarding the marriage, then this says a lot about his intentions also.

Many people tell me that it’s very hard to just abruptly break off the affair, especially when the other person is still pursuing them. But I often respond that it may be difficult, but it is absolutely necessary and it is non negotiable. If someone is really serious about saving their marriage after their affair, they make their spouse their first priority and they stay away from the other person. Sometimes, it takes them a while to realize this, though. You can help by making your expectations perfectly clear and defining what you can not accept.

I think that requiring your husband to not venture away while in church might help.  It is also advisable that you make it clear that his being given the opportunity to save his marriage is contingent upon his behavior.  Healing after an affair isn’t always a linear process.  There are struggles and triumphs along the way.  You’re welcome to read more about my own journey on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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