Why Would He Want A Baby If He Is Cheating?

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are extremely confused as to how their husband can be cheating, considering the circumstances of their lives. Many wives do not understand how a man could cheat when his marital life was going extremely well and when exciting things were happening. One such example is a man who is actively trying to start a family. Many people just can not understand how a man who is clearly planning for the future could put that same future in jeopardy by cheating.

As an example, I might hear: “it took me a very long time to accept the fact that my husband was probably cheating on me. Because the circumstances just did not make any sense. After trying to save enough money for a home, my husband and I were finally able to close about six months ago. We have both been wanting to start a family but we waited until we could bring that same baby home to a stable home. Since that has finally happened, we have been trying to become pregnant. This has been a very happy time for me. But after about two months of trying, I got a phone call from a woman saying that she has been having a relationship with my husband. He denied this. He said the woman was pursuing him, but there was no relationship. I believed him because I didn’t believe he would be trying to have a baby while cheating. Then, my mother saw him at a restaurant with another woman. The description sounded like the same woman who called me. Again, I confronted my husband. He said that they are friends. At this point, I don’t believe him anymore. But I still don’t understand. Why would a man who is trying to start a family cheat?”

I know that this must be confusing. I can try to help you make sense of it all, but I have to tell you that I’m not a man who has cheated. I have been cheated on. I have men reach out to me and share their thought process. I do have some theories. They may or may not strike a chord with you but at least it may give you something to consider.

I believe that many men are more vulnerable to cheating in times of high stress or during big life changes. Buying a new home and starting a family both qualify as these types of events. I am not trying to defend your husband, as obviously, cheating is deplorable enough.  And, cheating when your wife might be pregnant is especially deplorable. But, this is not uncommon. And this is not the first time that I have heard of this situation. I’ve actually had men tell me that although they deeply regret cheating when having a family or trying to start one, they believe that they may have been motivated by the stress and the pressure of being the head of a family and he may have fallen prey to suspicions that his wife did not have as much time for him because of the child situation.

None of this makes it right. And only this husband knows his own motivations. But men do cheat when starting a family, beginning a new marriage, changing jobs, and all other sorts of “fresh starts” which you would think would make them happy and even less likely to cheat.

I know that it likely doesn’t make much sense to you. It doesn’t make sense to me. And it doesn’t always make sense to the men who cheat either. Many end up deeply regretting this and not understanding why they would take such a silly risk when things were going so well for them. And then there is the issue of self sabotage. Some men will tell you that, deep down, they do not feel that they deserve to be happy and so they do something to mess up their wonderful life. Again, it doesn’t make complete sense. But here is another example of their reasoning.

The wife didn’t ask about trying to save her marriage as she was probably just beginning to process this, so I won’t go into that here, except to say that some men in this situation can be successfully rehabilitated. But, they have to be very committed to making it happen. It’s not an easy process but for couples who are determined to make it work, it’s possible.

I know it probably doesn’t make you feel any better, but many men cheat when they have the ideal home situation.  It is not anything that you did wrong.  It is something lacking within him that he needs to address.  I know that this doesn’t make it hurt any less.   If it helps, you can read more about my own healing on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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