Why Would Someone Tell Details Of An Affair Instead Of Lying. Does This Mean They Want To Do The Right Thing? Or Are They Trying To Hurt You?

By: Katie Lersch:  Many wives who are getting ready to confront their husband about his affair anticipate lies, half truths, or out and out denials.  Many assume that even if their husband surprises them and tells some version of the truth, this version is going to be watered down, on meant to diminish the reality of the affair.

That’s why some wives are very shocked when their husband gives an attempt at honesty – brutally honest, in fact – about the affair.  Here’s what I mean.  You might hear a wife say: “I knew that my husband was cheating for almost six weeks before I confronted him.  During that time, I gathered my evidence.  Because of this, I knew a lot about the other woman.  Still, I expected him to lie to me.  I didn’t know if he was going to deny the whole thing. I figured he would have to be pretty stupid to try that, considering how much evidence I had. But I did think that he would try to lie about many of the details.  I know that the other woman is younger, prettier, and frankly, inappropriate for him, considering the age difference, although they are certainly both adults. And I really did not expect for him to admit to this.  But he did. As soon as I confronted him, he admitted everything.  He told me her age without my asking.  He told me what hotels they went to and how often. He told me what the attraction was that she was playful and adventurous.  He even said that sometimes, he fantasized about running away with her, but he admitted that he knew this wouldn’t happen because she was way out of his league and did not want anything permanent. Many of my friends say it is a good sign that he was immediately willing to be brutally honest.  They say this shows that he ultimately wants to do the right thing.  And he is telling me that he wants to save our marriage. But part of me thinks that his ‘honesty’ was only meant to hurt me.  Maybe he is kind of proud that he cheated with a younger woman and got to be sexually adventurous.  One of my friends say that maybe my husband is trying to ‘get back at me’ for something.  But honestly, I can’t imagine what.  I’ve been a good wife.  I’ve never cheated on him.  There would not be anything to get back at me for. So why would a man be brutally honest about the affair?”  I’ll go over some possible reasons below and offer some tips on how you might tell which is most likely for your husband.

It May Be A Way To Brag:  I am going to mention this first because I think that it is the least likely scenario and I will tell you why in a minute.  Some men do the “brutal honestly” thing in order to sort of brag.  They want you to know that they were able to attract someone younger.  Many will even go so far as to insinuate that the other woman wanted a future with them.  And yet, they chose their wives.  (This is meant to make you want them, despite their infidelity.)  However, your husband downplayed this aspect.  Even though he admitted to perhaps wanting more, he admitted that the other woman was out of his league and wouldn’t have gone for that.  This is why I think that this scenario isn’t as likely.

It May Be A Way To Hurt:  Some men will use “honestly” to bring about comparisons between the other woman and yourself.  And these, comparisons do not always come off as flattering.  These husbands want you to know that the other woman weighed less than you or was younger.  These are the husbands that won’t reassure you that they still find you beautiful and attractive.  These are not the husbands who will fight for their marriage.  These are the husbands who act as if their behavior is justifiable.   These are the husbands who act as if all men cheat and that you should just get over it. The husband in question does not appear to fit into this scenario, either.

Media And Pop Culture Has Lead Us To Believe That ‘Brutal Honesty’ Is The Only Way To Go:  In today’s society, there truly is not much modesty or privacy.  Thanks to reality TV, people tend to have far less discretion.  They seem to think that it is healing to tell everything.  Your husband may be responding to this societal norm.

He May Think That Full Disclosure Will Help Him Save His Marriage: To be fair, there is a perception that brutal honesty is necessary after an affair. It’s thought that in order to restore the trust, you need to have enough courage to tell everything.  And there is some validity to this.  Frankly, it sometimes takes a lot of courage to tell this type of truth.  He knew that you were going to be angry and hurt.  He might even have gotten away with a lie or two.  But he didn’t attempt it.  And the reason may have been that he purposely wanted to be honest with you, even if this didn’t paint him in the best light.

You know your husband better than I do and you have a better view of his behavior from day to day.  You have to ask yourself if what he “lets slip” or “discloses” is mean spirited, said out of spite, said in a boastful tone, or is just meant to honestly answer the questions that you’ve asked.  As you examine his behaviors over time, this generally will become pretty obvious.  Because you are not just listening to his words.  You are also watching for his behaviors.

Over time, you should be able to pick up the vibe on whether or not he is trying to hurt you or if he is sincere.  I had plenty of doubts about my own husband at first.  But over time, it became pretty obvious that he was indeed sincere.  This mattered to me and factored into my decision to try and save my marriage.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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