Will My Spouse Take Me Back After My Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who very much regret having an affair. Not only do they often realize too late that the affair was a huge mistake, but now they must face the fact that they have also put their marriage in jeopardy. Many soon realize that living with this type of betrayal is extremely trying. So they start to think about confessing to their spouses but they are so worried that their spouse is going to kick them out of their lives and never take them back.

I heard from a wife who said: “tonight, I’m going to tell my husband that I have been having an affair. I have already told the other man that it is over and to never contact me again. There was a time when I was sure that I would never confess because doing so would only hurt my husband and ruin my marriage. But I now realize that I must confess because the guilt is just too much. And I feel like my husband may eventually find out anyway. There’s a chance that the other man might seek him out and tell him just to hurt me. So I would rather tell him myself first. But my concern is that he won’t take me back into our marriage and into his heart. Will he take me back?”

Unfortunately, the only person who could really answer this question was this woman’s husband. Only he knew if he was going to be willing to try to restore the marriage. But, as the faithful spouse in my own marriage, I can tell you the things that might make it more likely that he will take you back. And I can also tell you the things that make the same less likely. I will do so below.

The Things That Make It Less Likely That Your Spouse Will Take You Back: I know how I felt in my own situation and I also hear from many faithful spouses on my blog. One thing that will make a faithful spouse furious is a cheating spouse who comes across with a sense of entitlement or who feels justified in his actions. It also doesn’t help when you think that you spouse is insincere or is just telling you what they think you want to hear.

So whatever you do, do not come across as if you are not taking full responsibility for your actions. Do not get defensive or try to make any part of this seem like this was your spouse’s fault. I’m sure that your marriage wasn’t perfect and that you had legitimate reasons to be unhappy. However, none of this makes it acceptable to cheat. You have to think about how you would feel if your spouse cheated on you and then approach your spouse with that in mind.

The Things That Will Make It More Likely That Your Spouse Will Take You Back: I can tell you without any doubt that the faithful spouse wants to see remorse and sorrow. They must believe that you could not be more sorry for what you did because you are fully aware that it was wrong and that there was absolutely no excuse for it.

It also helps if you take full responsibility for every part of the affair right from the very beginning. It’s very helpful if you have and then share some understanding of why you cheated. Because if you understand what motivated you or left you vulnerable, then it is much easier to address and remove this obstacle so that your spouse can believe that once you do this, you won’t cheat again.

You must look at this from your spouse’s point of view and then ask yourself what you can do to help them heal. It helps if you can go to your spouse with a plan in place. Don’t just confess and expect for your spouse to do all of the healing and all of the work. Do your homework. Find resources and help from the very beginning so that your spouse knows that you are so motivated to make this right that you already have a plan to fix it.

Be willing to do whatever your spouse needs for you to do in order to begin to heal and restore the trust.

So many cheating spouse say how sorry they are and they claim that they will do anything if their spouse would just take them back. But when that same spouse asks to go to counseling, asks for accountability, or asks for passwords and phone access, suddenly the cheating spouse will try to make exceptions proclaim an invasion of privacy.

If you truly want for your spouse to take you back, then you can’t do things like this. You must always put their needs and their well being first. I know that this can be frustrating sometimes, but you have to understand how badly you have hurt them and your marriage. And you have to understand that fixing this is now your responsibility and that you must be the one to take the initiative in order to prove to them that it’s in their best interest to take you back.

And, you must do what you have promised. You must know that you can’t tell even little white lies. You can’t do anything that can be construed as even a little inappropriate. Because your spouse is going to already have their doubts about trusting you and you can’t do anything to erode the trust even more or they may begin to think that they are better off not taking you back.

So while I can’t tell you definitively if your spouse will take you back, I can tell you that it’s my belief that you need to do everything in your power to make this right.  This way, no matter what happens, you will know that although you can’t change the past, you have done everything possible to mitigate the damage.

Although my husband hurt me deeply with his affair, I did eventually take him back because he showed me over time that he was remorseful and that he was rehabilitated.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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