Things Many Wives Will Need to Forgive a Husband’s Affair

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes dialogue with wives who are struggling to forgive their husbands’ affairs. Some are still reeling from the betrayal. Others want to move forward but feel completely stuck. They say things like: “I want to forgive him. I want to save our marriage. But I don’t know how to let this go. I don’t know how to stop reliving it.”

If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Forgiveness after infidelity is complicated. You may feel like you’re expected to “get over it” before you’re ready—or that you’re somehow weak if you do eventually forgive. But here’s the truth: forgiveness isn’t about letting your husband off the hook. It’s about protecting your emotional health and giving yourself a shot at peace—whether you stay in the marriage or not.

Below are some of the most common things that wives need in order to move toward forgiveness. These are not small asks, and they aren’t instant fixes. But they are often essential steps on the path to healing.

Forgiveness Is Not the Same as Forgetting

Let’s clear this up right away: forgiving doesn’t mean pretending the affair never happened. It doesn’t mean acting like your pain isn’t valid. The affair is now part of your story—and it always will be.

But that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to live in the shadow of it forever. Like any crisis in a marriage—financial strain, health struggles, or family conflict—it can become something you learn and grow from. Not because it was “meant to happen,” but because you refused to let it define your future.

Forgiving simply means choosing not to let the betrayal have the final word.

Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean Your Husband Is Off the Hook

One of the biggest misconceptions about forgiveness is that it erases accountability. But real forgiveness actually requires accountability. You don’t just magically forget your husband cheated, and you certainly don’t stop expecting him to show you that he’s willing to earn back your trust.

It’s okay to want answers. It’s okay to expect honesty. And it’s okay to need time. You can forgive without excusing what happened. You can move forward while still holding your husband to a higher standard of transparency and care moving forward.

In fact, that’s the only way forgiveness works long term.

Things Most Wives Need to Begin Forgiving

If you’ve been struggling to forgive, ask yourself this: is your husband giving you the support, effort, and reassurance you need to heal?

In my experience, many wives get “stuck” in forgiveness because their husband hasn’t really done the work. Here are the things that often make the biggest difference:

1. No More Contact With the Other Woman

This is non-negotiable. If your husband is still working with, texting, or even occasionally bumping into the person he cheated with, it’s going to reopen the wound over and over again. Even if it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable, a clean break needs to happen.

If that means changing jobs, routines, or social circles—so be it. You deserve to feel safe in your own marriage again. And you can’t do that if the affair is still lingering in the background.

2. Genuine Accountability, Remorse, and Change

A quick “I’m sorry” isn’t enough. You need to know that your husband understands the damage that was done. That he owns it. That he regrets it—not just because he got caught, but because he sees how deeply it hurt you and your marriage.

You also need to see that he’s learning from it. That he’s putting things in place (with you) to make sure it never happens again. This includes being honest about why it happened in the first place—and working together to rebuild from there.

3. Reassurance, Transparency, and Consistency

In the aftermath of an affair, trust is fragile. You may need to know where he is, who he’s with, or check in more often than before. That’s not about controlling him—it’s about rebuilding your foundation brick by brick.

A husband who is truly sorry will understand this. He won’t make you feel crazy for needing reassurance. In fact, he’ll offer it willingly—because he wants to ease your fears, not trigger them.

It also helps when he makes you feel wanted again. Cheating can shatter a woman’s confidence, even if she did nothing wrong. Hearing that you are still loved, valued, beautiful, and desired can make all the difference.

Forgiveness Is For You Personally —Not Just For the Marriage

At the end of the day, forgiveness is something you do for yourself. You don’t forgive because your husband deserves it. You don’t forgive because your marriage can’t survive without it. You forgive because you deserve freedom from the weight of resentment and pain.

You deserve the chance to feel whole again. To feel peace again. To let go of the bitterness that keeps you stuck in the past.

For me, forgiveness didn’t happen all at once. It was a long, winding process. But looking back, I’m grateful I chose to take that path—because it saved not only my marriage, but also myself.

If you’re in the middle of that painful process, just know that healing is possible. Forgiveness is possible. And you don’t have to rush to get there. But with the right tools, the right support, and the right effort from both of you, it can happen.

You can read more about how I saved my own marriage after my husband’s affair here:
👉 http://surviving-the-affair.com