How to Handle Feeling Turned Off by Your Husband After His Affair

By: Katie Lersch: One of the most difficult hurdles couples face after infidelity isn’t just rebuilding trust — it’s rebuilding intimacy. I often hear from women who genuinely want to save their marriages after a husband’s affair. They’re committed to the process, willing to go to counseling, open to communication, and eager to heal. They try to control what’s in their power — their actions, their reactions, their schedule. But what’s far harder to manage is what happens inside — the complicated emotional aftermath and the physical repulsion that can follow betrayal.

One woman recently shared:
“I love my husband, and I do want to make this work. He’s remorseful and doing everything right. I can tell he regrets the affair. But I can’t lie — I feel completely turned off by him now. I try to push past it, but when I picture him with someone else, I freeze up. It’s like a switch flipped, and I can’t flip it back. I hate that this is happening. He’s devastated by it. I know he thinks I’ll never forgive him or be intimate again, and I don’t want that to be true. But I don’t know how to fix it.”

If this resonates with you, you’re not alone — and you’re not broken. Let’s break down why this happens and what might help.

It’s Normal to Feel Emotionally and Physically Disconnected After Betrayal

When your partner breaks your trust in such an intimate way, it doesn’t just change how you feel about him — it can completely shift how you feel in your own skin. Suddenly, the man you loved feels like a stranger. The physical desire you once felt for him becomes tangled in thoughts of hurt, betrayal, and loss. That disconnect is not only common — it’s a deeply human response to trauma.

You may intellectually accept that he’s remorseful. You may want to move forward. But your emotions and your body aren’t always on the same timeline as your mind. It takes time to reconcile who your husband is now with who you thought he was — and to trust him (and yourself) enough to let your guard down again.

Could This Be About Self-Protection?

Sometimes, that emotional and physical shut-down is a subconscious form of self-preservation. After all, if you don’t open yourself up again, you can’t be hurt again — right?

There’s often another layer, too: self-doubt.
You may wonder:

• Do I still attract him?

• Is he fantasizing about her?

• Am I just going through the motions?

These are painful questions, and they can quietly erode your confidence. That’s why working on your self-esteem — separate from the affair, separate from your marriage — is often one of the most empowering and healing steps you can take.

Reclaim what makes you feel strong, beautiful, and desirable. That confidence can help reignite desire — not because of what he does, but because of how you feel about you.

You Can’t Rush Intimacy — And That’s Okay

In many marriages that survive infidelity, this sexual disconnection is temporary. As trust rebuilds and emotional safety returns, so does the desire to reconnect physically. It rarely happens all at once. And you can’t “force” it, no matter how much you want to fix it quickly for your partner’s sake.

Instead, try to focus on rebuilding emotional closeness first. When that foundation feels strong again, intimacy often follows naturally. Give yourself permission to go slow — and to be honest about where you are.

Healing Is Possible — and So Is Desire

When I was going through this process in my own marriage, I made mistakes. I pushed too hard. I withdrew too far. But eventually, I learned to stop trying to force healing and instead gave myself time to feel again. It wasn’t quick, but it was possible. Today, my marriage is stronger than before — and I’m stronger, too.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, please know this: feeling turned off doesn’t mean you don’t love your husband. It doesn’t mean your marriage can’t survive. It means you’ve been deeply hurt — and healing from that takes time, compassion, and patience.

You can read more of my story at http://surviving-the-affair.com.