I’m Not Sure That I Want To Know Everything About My Husband’s Cheating, But People Say I Have To

By: Katie Lersch: People often assume that a wife who finds out that her husband is cheating immediately wants to know EVERYTHING – with no topic off limits. And I do hear from a lot of people who are experiencing this type of thinking. But, I also hear from some wives who are not sure how much they really want to know.

Here is one example. A wife might say: “I caught my husband cheating on me. I am being completely honest when I say that I was shocked. I am not blind. I know that my husband is very outgoing and friendly – especially to women. But I always thought that this was just his personality. His mother says that he has always been a charmer. So it never concerned me and I actually found it endearing. When I confided to women who are my closest friends what was happening with me, none of them acted surprised at all. They said that all of the signs were there because my husband is the world’s biggest flirt. They say that he has always projected ‘being a player.’ I’m not sure exactly what they mean by this. When I told them that I wouldn’t rule out saving my marriage one day, they all insisted that if they were in my shoes, they would not even consider that unless my husband came clean about everything. They said it wouldn’t surprise them if there had been other affairs and that I should insist on full disclosure. I am wondering if they know something that I don’t. But the thing is, I am not sure that I want to know everything. I am not sure that I could handle knowing everything. I can only take little bits of information at a time right now. I don’t want to be overwhelmed knowing something that might make things worse. Are they right? Do I have to know everything?”

You don’t “have” to do anything. You get to decide what information that you want and when. And yes, this whole thing can be extremely overwhelming. I don’t think that people always understand or appreciate this. In my own situation, I did want all of the information because I wanted to know exactly what I (and my marriage) was facing. I felt that I needed all of the information in order to decide what course of action I wanted to take. My husband was apologetic and remorseful. But it was important to me to know if this was a one time thing or a reoccurring issue. This mattered to from a healing standpoint and in terms of rehabilitation.

However, I did not ask for – or receive – all of the information at once. I would ask a few things, become upset, walk away, process the information, and take a break. In a few days, we would have another conversation. And then maybe we would take a break from it and try to regroup. It was a gradual process for me because that was the only way I was going to be able to tolerate it.

It is ultimately your choice as to how much information that you want to ask for. Know that remaining in the dark is a decision that also has consequences. Yes, it may spare some pain. But it also means that you may be working without all of the facts. Some women are able to declare that the past should stay in the past and this works for them. I’m not here to judge anyone in regards to how they handle this. Because this is a very difficult situation. And no one can say what they would do until they have been through this. It is up to you to decide what is going to be best for you. Frankly, your friends can not make this decision for you, even though they often think that they are only trying to help you.

I would highly recommend considering a counselor to help you through this process. It’s often very difficult for us to have enough objectivity and expertise in order to navigate this in the most healthy way. People who are experts in healing can often guide you through this in a way that makes it a little less painful and lengthy.

But ultimately, it is up to you because it is your life and your marriage. Knowing as much as possible allows you to understand what you are dealing with, but it is also a lot to process. There’s nothing wrong with doing this gradually or on your own terms. I think that a lot of the time, we do not want the information because of fear. We are afraid of what we might learn. Sometimes, though, the information actually strengthens us, because it gives us the courage to face this head on. And that is sometimes true no matter what you find. Sometimes, the assumptions that you have made are somewhat worse than the truth.

As I alluded to, I did learn everything.  But not all at once.  I had to take small steps.  And that was OK.  I handled it in my own way and in my own time.  But ultimately, I did want to know. There’s more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com