Is Having An Affair Better Than Getting Divorced?

I do not believe that every marriage affected by an affair was one that was on the verge of divorce. In fact, statistics prove otherwise. Many people who have affairs later insist that they weren’t unhappy in their marriage and had no intention of leaving it. Nonetheless, I sometimes hear of or from people who intend to have an affair because they think that doing so is better than getting divorced.

You might hear something like, “there is a man at my work who I have grown very fond of. We flirt. We touch. I know that I could have an affair with him if I would just allow myself to do so. However, I know that this would be wrong. I’ve been married for a long time and I truly do love my husband. But, I honestly think that I have fallen out of love with him and that in five years we will be divorced if I don’t do something drastic. There is no longer any spark between us. I know it sounds weird, but I want to believe that if I shake things up by having an affair, I might actually avoid a divorce. Isn’t having an affair better than getting a divorce?”

I might be the wrong person to ask. As someone who has been cheated on, I know the pain of being on the wrong side of an affair. But, even when I try to look at it objectively, I just can’t see where cheating on your spouse could save your marriage.

Both A Divorce And An Affair Are Extremely Painful: As a woman of a certain age, I’ve watched many friends and family members go through divorces. I’ve also seen many marriages struggle with infidelity. Quite honestly, both sets of couples appear to be equally devastated. And I actually can’t think of one person who has ever looked at me and said, “Well, my spouse’s affair has been very painful, but at least he didn’t cheat on me.”

An Affair Can Most Definitely Lead To A Divorce: Saying that you are going to have an affair to prevent a divorce almost implies that your marriage will make it through the infidelity unscathed. This is most certainly not a given. Also, don’t assume that your spouse will never know about the affair. Most affairs are found out eventually. In some cases, the person having the affair becomes so guilty that he confesses.  Sometimes, once the affair becomes known, the faithful spouse just can’t get over the betrayal and they file for divorce. So although some might look at an affair as a marriage-saving action, in fact, it’s just as likely to cause a divorce as it is to prevent one.

Even if your marriage survives, an affair almost always damages it, at least initially. Your spouse is often initially furious and then eventually struggles with trust and self-esteem issues. The cheating spouse often grapples with intense guilt and remorse. The marriage can become lopsided and it can begin to feel as if both parties can no longer speak honestly or experience their emotions without feeling vulnerable or defensive.

An Ideal Alternative: This may not be what you want to hear, but there is always an alternative to allowing infidelity to threaten your marriage: work on it BEFORE you make the grave mistake of cheating on your spouse. Many marriages go through phases where people worry they’ve fallen out of love when in fact, they’ve just fallen into a rut. Sometimes, getting back on track only requires that you spend more time on your marriage and pour more attention and effort into it. Other times, counseling or self-help may be necessary, but any of these alternatives is better than cheating yourself by cheating on your spouse.

If these alternatives don’t work and you want to end your marriage anyway, what have you lost? At least you can say that you tried before you hurt the person that you’re supposed to protect and value the most. At least you can walk away knowing that you did everything that you could. And if you truly want to be with the other person (or the man at work, in this case,) you could then do it with a clear conscience.

The Real Risk Right Now: Since statistics clearly prove that relationships that start as affairs are rarely a success, the chances are good that having an affair may actually mean that neither relationship is successful and that you end up alone. This is a huge risk to take when you needn’t take any risk at all. People who have affairs so often say that they love their spouse. But it’s not at all loving to deceive and betray your spouse, even if you think that it is for the sake of your marriage.

I don’t know of any marriages saved by having an affair, but I know of plenty of marriages that were destroyed by the same. My own was nearly one of them.  You can read more about how I healed my marriage after my husband’s affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com