Why Does My Husband Resent Me When He’s The One Who Had The Affair?

I once heard from a wife who had caught her husband having an affair. The signs were there, and she couldn’t help but follow them, and she found what she had feared. She confronted her husband, but rather than getting the remorseful response she had hoped for, her husband was indignant. She had expected him to beg for her forgiveness and ask to work on saving the marriage. Instead, he was furious that she had been spying on him. And, he seemed incredibly resentful of the wife’s need for answers.

The wife said, in part: “he acts as if I’m the one who did something wrong. I should be the one who is mad at him, not the other way around. What in the world is wrong with him?” I will discuss this topic more in the following article.

Sometimes, A Husband’s Shame And Embarrassment Contribute To His Resentment After His Affair: Please don’t think I’m going to make excuses for husbands who cheat. It’s not my intention to do so. But I find that sometimes, men act resentful or indignant when they are caught in this situation because they are trying to diminish the fallout. They aren’t sure what to do and they figure if they beat you to the anger and indignation, that maybe this will diminish or shorten your response.

That’s not to say that he’s justified in this response because he’s not. But this is sometimes how he will react, even if he’s not fully aware of what he is doing.

Sometimes Men Are Angry Or Resentful When They Get Caught Having An Affair Because Now They Have To Deal With What They Have Been Trying To Avoid: Another possibility in this scenario is that when a man is caught, he suddenly has to deal with everything he’s been putting off immediately. In other words, he may have found himself in a personal crisis, and having the affair was his ill-advised way to work through it. In a sense, an affair is a way to avoid dealing with things.

But, being found out will often force their hand, so to speak. And suddenly they will need to do a lot of the soul searching and self-work that they have been avoiding in the first place. This makes them uncomfortable and frustrated. And sometimes they will direct this at who is convenient, which is the person standing in front of them with all of the questions they don’t want to answer (and this is usually you.)

This doesn’t excuse their behavior. But understanding it can sometimes give you some insight on how to best deal with it.

Some Tips On Handling It When Your Husband Is Angry Or Resentful When He’s The One Who Cheated: Although these reasons may give you a better understanding of the behavior that you are seeing, this doesn’t make it right. It’s not fair when you are being treated as if you are the one who did something wrong, although he will often make you try to feel that way. Some men will even insinuate that if their wives had acted differently toward them, they wouldn’t have sought out an affair in the first place.

This is unacceptable and usually doesn’t get either of you anywhere. In my opinion, sometimes you have to address this directly, even if you sometimes have to be careful of your tone. If you become equally as resentful or accusatory, then you will often only add fuel to the fire. But that doesn’t mean you can’t let your feelings and frustrations be known.

There is nothing wrong with saying something to the effect of “you are acting as if I am to blame, or I did something to deserve your anger or resentment. Your treating me like this is unacceptable and is only making a bad situation worse. We’re not getting anywhere by accusing each other or being angry. I’m receptive to discussing this, but not when either of us is hurtful.”

Sometimes, this kind of directness is necessary, and at times, distance and a pause in the situation, as well as calling him on his behavior, can help. Because sometimes, he is being reactive in the same way that you are, and it takes some time for him to gain the perspective that is necessary for the remorse to come.

I struggled greatly with my outrage and anger at being betrayed by my husband’s affair, but after much introspection, I finally learned that healing was possible once I learned how to channel my feelings and take action. Although I never would’ve believed this years ago, our marriage is now. It took a lot of work, but it was worth it. You can read that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com