My Husband Won’t Open Up About His Affair: Tips And Insights That Might Help

By: Katie Lersch: I once spoke with a wife who was feeling totally lost and shut out. A few weeks ago, she discovered her husband had been having an affair. She confronted him. She expected—maybe even hoped—for a flood of remorse. At the very least, she thought he’d want to talk about what happened. But instead, he shut down. He barely said anything at all. Now that the initial confrontation is over, he avoids conversations altogether or gives short, clipped responses when she tries to ask questions or connect. And she’s left wondering how she’s supposed to move forward when he won’t even open up.

She asked me, in part: “How can I get him to talk to me again? I feel like I’m doing all the emotional work while he’s acting cold and distant. I want answers. I want connection. But he’s just not letting me in.”

If you’re going through this, let me first say I’m so sorry. I know firsthand how painful it is when the person who broke your heart also refuses to help you begin to heal it. But as much as it might feel like a dead end, this situation isn’t necessarily hopeless. In fact, there are ways to gently guide your husband back into communication, without pushing so hard that he retreats even further.

Let’s talk about why this happens and what you might try instead.

When a Husband Shuts Down After an Affair, It’s Often About Avoidance—Not Indifference

It’s tempting to interpret the silence as not caring. But more often than not, it’s the exact opposite. He does care—he just doesn’t know how to deal with the emotions involved. Shame, guilt, fear of judgment, fear of saying the wrong thing… it all gets tangled up. And for some men, the easiest thing to do is go quiet.

It’s also possible he feels like nothing he says will be enough right now. He knows you’re hurt, and he might be thinking, “No matter what I say, she’s going to be angry. So why even try?”

This kind of emotional shutdown can be incredibly frustrating for you—especially when you need answers to begin healing. But trying to force a heart-to-heart before he’s ready can backfire.

What Helps (And What Doesn’t) When You’re Trying to Rebuild Communication

In situations like this, it’s natural to want to talk now. You want explanations. You want to understand how it all happened and whether there’s still hope. But unfortunately, when someone is already emotionally closed off, adding pressure can just make them close the door even tighter.

That doesn’t mean you stop reaching out. It just means you shift how you’re doing it.

What tends to help is lowering the stakes. Instead of jumping straight into heavy topics, look for ways to connect with him that don’t feel emotionally loaded. Small, non-threatening conversations. Casual texts. Neutral topics. Anything that helps reestablish a rhythm of communication, even if it doesn’t directly touch the affair.

Yes, this can feel maddening when you have so many questions building up. But often, those bigger conversations happen more easily once some sense of safety and connection has been restored first.

Let Him See the Best Version of You—The One He Fell in Love With

This doesn’t mean you ignore the betrayal or pretend everything’s fine. But it does mean being intentional about how you show up in the limited interactions you do have.

If every time he hears from you it leads to confrontation or guilt trips (no judgment—this is a totally human response), he’s likely going to retreat. But if he starts to associate you with calm, grace, and even warmth, it shifts the dynamic.

You know who he fell in love with. You are still that person. Let that version of you guide your approach now—not because you’re excusing what he did, but because you’re working toward something bigger: rebuilding connection and trust.

Patience Isn’t Passive—It’s Strategic

I know this part is hard. Waiting for someone to open up—especially after they’ve hurt you—can feel like emotional torture. But sometimes, the silence is actually giving both of you the space to let emotions settle so that healing can begin.

Use this time to care for yourself too. Rebuild your own confidence. Find strength in the things you can control. The more grounded and calm you are, the more likely he’ll feel safe enough to finally start talking.

And when he does? Don’t jump straight into accusations. Just listen. Ask with curiosity, not condemnation. And let the rebuilding begin from there.

My Experience

When I was in your shoes, I made every mistake in the book. I pushed. I cried. I demanded. And for a while, all it did was push my husband further away. It wasn’t until I pulled back, focused on myself, and let him want to come to me, that things began to change. Slowly but surely, he did open up. And eventually, we began to rebuild what we lost.

It wasn’t quick. And it wasn’t easy. But it was possible.

If you’re looking for more insight, I share more of that journey on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.