Things To Examine When You Can’t Forgive Your Cheating Husband

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes dialogue with wives who tell me that although they’ve endlessly tried to forgive their husband’s cheating, infidelity, or affair, they’ve just not been able to. Many confess this as though it’s an awful kind of failure that’s caused by some place where they fell short. And, many assume that since they can’t forgive, they won’t be able to save the marriage or even move on in a healthy way.

This is upsetting because the wives act as if they’ve done something wrong or that forgiveness is an indication of a “good” or well-adjusted person. The thing is, cheating is a huge blow to you as a person and to your marriage. Forgiveness for it is not always going to come easily or quickly. It’s not fair to second-guess or to beat yourself up if you can’t forgive within some arbitrary time frame. And quite frankly, you can begin to rebuild and to heal before you’re ready to forgive entirely. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Forgiveness For Cheating Is Not Something That Should Be Forced Or Not Given Freely: Most (if not all) of the wives who contact me feel intense pressure to offer forgiveness. And most feel that they are failing in some way if they’re not able to offer it. This is an unfair assumption. Sometimes, it takes a good deal of time to evaluate how the situation is progressing to determine how you feel and how you want to proceed. It’s not advisable to rush this process or allow yourself to make a decision before you know what’s going to happen.

Many times, the husband, family, or friends are pressuring the wife. But other times, it’s she who is pressuring herself. The thing is, this is a painful process. It’s perfectly natural to want this to “go away” and be resolved as quickly as possible. And many of us assume that offering forgiveness as quickly as we can is the first step toward moving forward. It doesn’t have to work this way. Don’t force yourself to take an either/or stance.

There is nothing wrong with waiting until you are ready, have what you need, or until you possess the information required before you make a decision. And sometimes, this just takes a while and requires some healing to occur BEFORE you are ready to forgive. This doesn’t mean that you’ve failed or that anything is wrong with you. It just means that you’re being honest and taking things at the pace that works for you. Frankly, it’s truly up to you to set the pace. Everyone is going to have an opinion, and some might try to pressure you. It’s so vital that you be your own best advocate because everyone else’s needs and wants are not always going to be in your own self-interest.

There’s Nothing Wrong With Taking A “Wait And See” Approach To Forgiving His Cheating: Sometimes, when wives tell me that they can’t forgive, they’ll add in a comment like “I guess this means we can’t save our marriage.” Usually, when I ask why they feel this way, they’ll answer with something like: “Well isn’t forgiveness required in order to save the marriage after cheating?” Eventually, forgiveness most certainly does help.

But, there’s absolutely nothing that says you can’t start the process while the jury is still out. Quite frankly, I’m rather sure that there are plenty of marriages that were saved after cheating where the faithful spouse wasn’t at all sure how things were going to turn out and then was just as surprised as anyone when the marriage made it through this. You don’t have to have all of the answers to save your marriage or to even move on in a healthy way.

You can most certainly take a “wait and see” approach and see how things unfold before you form any opinions. Admittedly, this isn’t the stance that most cheating husbands would prefer. They would rather you forgive them and “move on” immediately. But, in my experience, this is an unrealistic and unfair request. Sometimes, we need to see if he’s made good on his promises and how he acts in the months following the cheating before we have enough information to even think about forgiveness. This is understandable, and it’s not too much to ask.

If you’re being pressured by your husband to forgive, there’s nothing wrong with saying that you haven’t made that decision yet and need to see what happens in the days ahead before you can make that call. You might offer reassurance that you’ll still be present and you have an open mind, but be firm on the fact that you won’t be pressured into making this commitment until you’re ready to do so.

If Some Time Has Gone By And You Want To Forgive But Can’t, See If You Can Determine What’s Missing: Sometimes, I hear from wives who tell me that the cheating happened several months or years ago and they’ve still not been able to forgive. Much of the time, they are clearly still invested in the marriage, and they really do want to forgive, but just can’t seem to cross over.

In these cases, I often tell the wives to take a very thorough inventory to see what they need but haven’t yet received. Sometimes, they don’t feel as though their husband is truly sorry. Sometimes, they don’t believe he truly loves them. Other times, they are not satisfied that he or the marriage has been rehabilitated. And quite frequently, their self-esteem has taken such a huge blow that they don’t know what to believe anymore.

If any of these things describe you, then sometimes you’re going to have to ask for, demand, or make sure that you get what you need. Because in order to be able to genuinely forgive, you have to know in your heart that it’s deserved.

I struggled greatly with forgiving my husband after his affair, but after much introspection and with the passage of time, I finally learned that forgiveness was possible. Although I never would’ve believed this years ago, our marriage is solid. It took a lot of work, but it was worth it. You can read about how I did it on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com