3 Reasons Why A Cheating Husband Who Has Been Caught Might Have Angry Feelings Toward His Wife

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives feel completely blindsided by not just their husband’s infidelity—but by his behavior after the affair comes to light. A common version of this goes something like: “He cheated. I caught him. I expected guilt, regret, even tears. But instead, he’s cold. Distant. Almost angry with me—as if I did something wrong. Why is he acting like this?”

One woman said it like this:

“I discovered my husband was having an affair with someone from work. I confronted him. I thought he’d at least be ashamed or want to explain himself. But instead, he seemed furious with me. He was defensive, combative, and sarcastic. It’s like he’s punishing me for catching him. Why is he doing this? I didn’t cheat—he did.”

This kind of reaction is incredibly frustrating, and sadly, not uncommon. And I know how much it stings. You’re already hurting. You’re already reeling. And instead of the apology or comfort you hoped for, you get more hurt—just in a different form.

But as strange as it might sound, there are actually understandable (though not justifiable) reasons that some men act this way after they’ve been caught cheating. Let’s unpack a few of them, and then I’ll talk about how you can respond in a way that protects you—your boundaries, your sanity, and your dignity.

Sometimes His Anger Is a Defense Mechanism — A Way to Protect Himself Emotionally

When some men are caught, they go into full-blown damage control. They feel cornered. Exposed. Vulnerable. So instead of taking responsibility or being vulnerable back, they lash out. Why? Because they figure if they act angry or blame you, they might be able to redirect your attention—or at least keep you from digging deeper.

It’s a classic tactic called deflection. If he can get you off balance, if he can make you question whether you’ve overstepped by checking his phone or confronting him—then maybe, just maybe, he’ll avoid the full fallout of what he’s done.

And let me be clear: this doesn’t mean you’ve actually done anything wrong. It just means he’s scared of the consequences, and his anger is his armor.

Sometimes He’s Ashamed—And That Shame Comes Out as Anger

A lot of men aren’t comfortable with emotions like guilt or shame. And when they do feel them? They sometimes don’t know how to process them. So what happens? They turn those feelings inward… and then they flip.

Instead of admitting, “I feel terrible about what I did,” they get sarcastic or moody. Instead of being honest—“I’m embarrassed and afraid I’ve ruined everything,”—they throw the nearest emotional punch they can. And often, unfortunately, you’re standing in the line of fire.

I’m not saying it’s fair. I’m saying that in some cases, it’s human. And understanding that helps you avoid personalizing something that’s more about his emotional immaturity than your worth.

He May Be Mad At Himself—But You’re the Easier Target

Let’s be real. Sometimes his anger isn’t even really about you. It’s about him.

Deep down, many cheating husbands do feel awful about what they’ve done. But instead of facing that, they displace it. And because you’re the one who knows the truth—and the one he has to face—you become the one he aims at.

It’s incredibly twisted, I know. You’re the one who was betrayed. But you’re also the mirror he can’t look into without seeing what he’s done. And that creates resentment—even though none of it is your fault.

So How Do You Respond When Your Cheating Husband Acts Angry Toward You?

The truth? Very carefully.

You could yell back. You could call him out in the heat of the moment. And no one would blame you for that. But here’s what I’ve learned from experience: giving him a reaction is often exactly what he’s hoping for. Because if you’re fighting with him about his anger, then you’re not asking hard questions about the affair. It’s a diversion.

A better strategy is this:
You calmly but firmly refuse to engage with the angry persona he’s putting on.

You might say something like:

“I understand that you’re upset. But I’m having a hard time understanding why you are angry when I’m the one who was lied to. I’m willing to talk when you’re ready to have a respectful, honest conversation. But I’m not going to argue or accept blame for something I didn’t do.”

That kind of response does three important things:

1. It sets a boundary.

2. It puts the emotional accountability back where it belongs.

3. It shows him you’re not going to be manipulated.

And even if he doesn’t come around right away, you’ve taken the high road without losing your strength or your voice.

Final Thoughts From Someone Who’s Been There

I get how lonely it feels when you’ve been betrayed and you’re getting punished on top of it. It’s like double heartbreak. But I also know that the story doesn’t have to end here.

My own marriage did survive my husband’s affair. But it wasn’t because I begged or fought or cried my way through it. It was because I learned how to respond in a way that protected myself while giving our relationship a real chance to heal. That meant setting boundaries. Refusing to chase. And letting him see that I was worth fighting for, even if it took him time to come around.

You can read more of my story and strategies on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

Because you deserve the truth. You deserve clarity. And most of all, you deserve peace.