Will My Insecure Feelings Go Away When I Believe He’s Really Stopped Cheating?

By: Katie Lersch: Even if you are a very secure person and even if, as woman, you are fully aware of your value and your worth, it is hard not to have your self esteem and your self image negatively affected if your spouse cheats on you.

Even if you completely see every single one of your own positive attributes, most of the time, his cheating will bring out a little bit of doubt and insecurity in you. This can be true even if you are otherwise a very secure person. You can start to wonder if there is anything wrong with you. And you may ask yourself where you went wrong.

I might hear it described this way: “ever since I found out about my husband’s affair, I feel stupid, ugly, overweight, and depressed. This whole thing surprises me because quite honestly, I am very confident in myself. Yes, people would call me curvy, but my husband has always liked my curves and I consider myself pretty attractive to most men. I am successful in my career and have a lot of friends and a large social network with lots of support. That is why I am so mad at myself for feeling so insecure. I am furious with myself for spending so much time wondering if my husband is going to cheat again.  I know that I am worthwhile, but I still suspect my husband of continuing to cheat. He insists that in time, he will show me that he is faithful and that he will do anything to stay with me. Because of this, I find myself always trying to test him. I will say awful things just to see if he will try to make things right regardless of my awful attitude. He comes right home and spends a lot of time with me, but I still find myself wondering if he’s continuing to cheat.  I hope that in time, this process and cycle will end. If enough time goes by and I come to realize that he is no longer cheating, will my insecurity go away?”

In my experience, having the confidence that you are able to absolutely know (and not just hope) that your husband is no longer cheating can help with your insecurity. Time can also help with this too, as can your improving marriage.

With this said though, I very much want for you to understand that although the external factors of your husband not cheating and your improving marriage are all good things that you should hope for, you don’t always need external things to feel secure.

In fact, self confidence and security is an inside job. What I mean by this is that until you believe that you are worthy and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, then regardless of what happens with your husband or with your marriage, you might always struggle with feeling secure.

That’s not to say that you don’t want to do everything in your power to make sure that he is telling you the truth so that you can have certainty that he is not cheating. But, you also have to believe that you can be secure and OK regardless of what he is doing.

I know that this might sound hard to believe, but it is possible. It doesn’t come easily. You have to work for it. You have to list those things that cause you insecurity and then address them one by one. You have to give yourself permission to take care of yourself and allow yourself to do whatever might make you feel better or give you more confidence.

At the end of the day, you have to make a conscious choice. You have to decide that no one else can decide your worth for you. And you have to accept that no one else’s decision or mistake can take feelings of security from you. Your value comes because you are a unique person who gives your own contributions to the world. There is no one else like you with the unique gifts that you alone possess. This does not change, regardless of your husband’s behavior or actions. His actions are completely separate from who you are and what you offer.

So sure, you may feel better once you feel more confident in his fidelity. But healing and recovery from an affair can be a process. It’s usually not one thing that gets you over the hump. It is a series of things and it is your own attitude. My best advice is to work hard to ensure that you have what you need in terms of your marriage. But you should also know that your work doesn’t stop there. You must also work very hard to get what you need in terms of yourself.

I honestly believe that focusing on rebuilding myself and my own confidence after my own husbands affair was the most important thing that I did.  It was the thing that helped my healing the most. You can read more on on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com