By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who truly want to know what their husband legitimately feels during his affair. Often, they can’t help but notice that he’s acting downright silly with a definite spring in his step. He’s suddenly humming a little tune while getting ready for work and he’s suddenly nicer to the kids. This can make some wives wonder if the affair is truly making him happy.
I heard from a wife who said: “do men find truly happiness with their affair? I assumed that once I found out about my husband’s affair, he would break it off. He says he just can’t do that because the other woman makes him blissfully happy. And even though it hurts me so badly to admit this, my husband does indeed seem much happier. He’s never been a particularly chipper person but lately he is absolutely giddy. It’s pretty disgusting to watch. And it’s so upsetting to me because I realize that if she makes him this happy, then our marriage doesn’t really stand a chance. Not only that, but if I love this man, how can I deny him his happiness? Should I stop step aside and allow him to be happy? Or is his happiness all a temporary thing?”
This is difficult for me to answer for sure, even though I have a definite opinion on this. Only the husband knew how he really felt and only time would tell if his so called happiness was going to last. However, I hear from a lot of folks in this situation and some of them follow up later. It’s my opinion that although many husbands think that they have never been happier when they are having an affair, this “happiness” often stems from the buzz that comes hand in hand with participating in something that is perceived as exciting and new. Think about this. How happy was he when the two of you first got together? Every shiny and new relationship brings a sense of excitement and new found happiness. Does it last? Sometimes it does when it is healthy. But I would argue that a relationship based on deception, lies, and the sizzle that only comes through doing something wrong is not destined to last, much less to provide lasting happiness.
Admittedly, this is my opinion. And part of it stems from my experience from being cheated on. However, I often hear from cheating husbands on my blog and many of them express regret and downright misery because of the affair, although often these emotions come once the affair is over. Many men feel naive, stupid, taken advantage of, and incredibly remorseful after the affair is over. These feelings typically do not contribute to their long term happiness. In fact, many are quite miserable once the reality of the situation hits home. And if you were to ask them if they were happy at that time, they might find the situation laughable even when not six months before they thought they had found the elixir of life when they were carrying on with another woman and experiencing the highs of an affair.
This isn’t true of all men, of course. But I hear many comments like: “if I would have known how badly this was all going to end, I never would have started with the other woman. All this has caused is misery and pain. I’ve ruined my marriage and broken my wife’s heart all because of my selfishness.” This realization takes a lot longer than many wives would like, but it can happen eventually.
True happiness doesn’t come from someone else or from a deceptive relationship. Another person can’t and doesn’t provide lasting happiness. True happiness comes within. To say that the other woman or the affair makes a husband happy is extremely short sighted. No relationship remains the same forever. This is especially true of affairs. Eventually, that newness wears off and both people must face the reality of the deceptive relationship. This is true even when they feel justified for their actions and even when they felt their marriage was a bad or non fulfilling one. Because despite any justifications for their actions, there is always another choice instead of cheating. This sort of knowledge in one’s heart does not contribute to long term or true happiness. In fact, much of the time, guilt and resentment becomes a serious factor between the husband and the other woman. And these sort of negative feelings begin to chip away at whatever happiness they thought they might have had.
So to answer the question posed, although many husbands firmly believe that the affair has made them happy, this belief is often fairly short lived. True happiness from within can’t come from a deceptive relationship or the person with whom you are sharing that relationship. And this generally will come to light over time.
I know that you are likely wondering endlessly how your husband really feels. But, my suggestion would be to focus on your own feelings because you have some control over those. You can not control his thoughts or feelings, but you can set up the situation to be more favorable to you. Sometimes, it’s in your best interest to control what you can and allow the rest to work itself out with time. Feelings can change dramatically in the days and weeks to come, especially as the newness wears off. I know that this is a difficult time, but things will often improve as time passes and the truth is revealed. If it helps, you can read about how I began to heal in the same situation on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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