Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who really were trying to do the right and honorable thing when they told their spouse they cheated. They usually felt a lot of guilt, didn’t want the lie hanging between them and their spouse, and cared enough about their marriage to bring the cheating out there so that they could heal and move on. Unfortunately, many look back on this disclosure with regret because it has made things so much worse and because they can not take it back.

I recently heard from a wife who said: “I cheated on my husband with one of his friends. I am so sorry that I did that and I made a one time mistake that I would never ever repeat. There was drinking involved, but I am not going to use that as an excuse. It was my mistake and I struggled with whether I should own up to it. I didn’t want to lie to my husband or have something this huge between us. At the same time, my husband had always made it clear that cheating was not something he would tolerate. He broke up with the girl he was dating before me because she cheated on him so I knew how he was going to react. Cheating is bad enough, but cheating with his friend was going to be inexcusable. Still, the guilt was nearly killing me so I went ahead and came clean. I regret it because at this point, my husband says that our marriage is over. He says he cannot look at me without thinking about what I did. The sad thing is, before I told my husband about the cheating, we were reasonably happy. We would have stayed married and I would’ve felt guilty, but my husband would’ve remained blissfully unaware and then I had to go and open my big mouth. I know there’s no going back now, but is there anything that you can do to fix it when you regret telling your spouse that you cheated?”

The wife in this scenario was right. There was no going back. It’s not realistic to expect your spouse to forget about the cheating or pretend that you never told him. Once you admit to cheating, this admission is there for good. With that said, you can make the best of the situation and use time to your advantage. And quite frankly, even though confessing to the cheating may well feel like the wrong thing to do right now, that’s something which you may never know for sure.

Although You Regret Admitting To Cheating, Your Regret Doesn’t Mean That It Was The Wrong Call: Like the wife in this situation, most people regret disclosing the infidelity when the response to the same is worse than they expected. So, it’s not that they necessarily regret having done the right thing. What they regret is that their spouse may well be done with them or the marriage, or at least it may feel that way at the time.

However, your sorrow and regret towards their reaction doesn’t negate your wanting to do the right thing. And if you could turn back time and undo your confession, who is to know if things would’ve turned out any better? This lie would always be between you. And you would continue to feel guilty. Living under this kind of stress may well have negatively affected your marriage also. So there is often not any perfect outcome.

Coping With The Fallout Of Your Confession As Best As You Can: I know that it may be very tempting right now to throw up your hands and proclaim that you give up. This is especially true when it feels as if your spouse is never going to forgive you and you can’t even look at yourself in the mirror. But as best as you can, give yourself credit for trying to do what is right. Someone who didn’t care about right or wrong as much as you do or who didn’t care about setting their marriage on the right tract would have remained quiet and continued lying. But you did not. This says something about you. Eventually, your spouse may come to realize this as well. Understand that their reaction and feelings today may evolve into something different (and more positive) tomorrow. They might just need some time to process this and evaluate their feelings and wishes.

When my husband first told me everything about his affair, my initial reaction was one of explosive anger. I couldn’t even stand to be in his presence. But eventually, I came to appreciate that he did tell me absolutely everything without being forced to and we did eventually save our marriage.

Making The Best Out Of A Regretful Situation: I know that it may feel as if your hands are tied right now, but understand that your situation may change. So try to handle this with as much integrity and grace as you can muster. In this wife’s situation, she might just offer her husband some time and then every time he expresses his outrage about the affair, she could tell him that she understood his feelings and will support him with whatever he needs. Now, he may not jump on this immediately. He will likely need some time. But, down the road, he will remember his wife’s integrity, and patience, and the way that she put what was right instead of just hiding the truth even though it may well have benefited her to do so. And the wife will always know that she did what was right instead of what was easy and deceitful.

I have to tell you that many spouses who have been cheated on who contact me on my blog indicate that they may have reacted more favorably to the affair if the cheating spouse had come clean. Sometimes when you have to find out about the affair from someone else (or even worse, the person who has been cheating with your spouse) your reaction is far worse than when your spouse had the decency to tell you themselves.

My husband’s willingness to disclose all about the cheating didn’t endear him to me at first, but it mattered in the end. If it helps, you can read the whole emotional story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: If you’ve just discovered that your husband has betrayed you—whether emotionally, physically, or both—let me start by saying I’m so sorry. I know from firsthand experience that the moment you find out your trust has been shattered, your entire world can feel like it’s been turned upside down. You may be walking around in a fog, replaying every conversation, every odd moment, and wondering how you didn’t see it sooner—or what it means for your future now.

I hear from wives in this exact place almost every day. They’ll say things like:
“I just found out about the affair. I’m in shock. I don’t even know what to do next.”
Or, “He says it didn’t mean anything, but I feel like I don’t mean anything.”
Or sometimes, they simply say what I’ve felt myself: “I’m crushed. And lost.”

So if that’s where you are right now, let’s walk through it. I want to offer a bit of guidance, not because I have all the answers, but because I know what it’s like to try to survive this when you can barely think straight—let alone plan your next steps.

Step One: Breathe and Stabilize

The initial wave of betrayal can knock the wind right out of you. It’s not uncommon to feel physically sick, unable to sleep, or like your emotions are swinging wildly from one extreme to the next.

Your first step isn’t to make any major decisions. It’s simply to take care of yourself. That might mean stepping away from the situation for a short time—sleeping at a friend’s house, asking your husband for space, or just carving out a quiet place to breathe.

Give yourself permission to not have all the answers right now. You don’t have to decide today if you’ll stay or go. Right now, the goal is survival—not perfection.

Step Two: Avoid Rash Decisions At All Costs

It’s very normal to want to make some kind of bold move after you’ve been hurt. Some women want to leave immediately. Others want to confront the other person involved. Some want their husbands to feel the full weight of what they’ve done. And I completely understand all of those instincts.

But the truth is, the first few days and weeks after betrayal aren’t the best time for big, life-altering decisions. Not because you aren’t justified in making them—but because your heart is still in trauma-mode. Give yourself a window of time—maybe 30 days—where you commit to observation, self-care, and clarity before you do anything permanent.

You can still have boundaries. You can still ask him to leave. But try to give your heart and your mind a little space before locking in anything long-term.

Step Three: Gather Information (Without Obsessing)

Many women want the full story after betrayal. They ask, “How many times did it happen?” “Where?” “Did you love her?” “Was it physical?” “Did you think of me at all?”

I get this. The need for answers is powerful. But in those early days, I always caution wives to be careful. Because sometimes, hearing too much too soon can create images in your mind that are hard to unsee—and that may hurt your healing later.

Instead, focus on understanding the big picture first. Was this a one-time lapse or a long-standing relationship? Was it emotional or physical? Is he taking responsibility—or shifting blame?

You can get the details later, in a way that helps rather than harms. But in the beginning, try to balance curiosity with self-protection.

Step Four: Let Him Show You Who He Is Now

One of the hardest things after a betrayal is seeing your husband clearly. You might feel torn between the man you thought you knew and the one who hurt you. You might even question everything you shared.

That’s why I suggest watching more than listening right now.

If he says he’s sorry, is he also showing that in his actions? If he claims it meant nothing, does he seem heartbroken for what he’s put you through? Does he seem willing to answer your questions—or get angry when you bring them up?

You don’t have to decide anything today. But do pay attention. The way he acts now will tell you a lot about whether healing is truly possible.

Step Five: Begin (Slowly) Turning Toward Yourself

After betrayal, it’s very easy to focus completely on your husband, the other woman, the marriage—and forget about the one person who needs your care the most: you.

You are not just a betrayed wife. You are a woman who is hurting, and you deserve support. This is the time to lean on the people who love you. To journal, walk, cry, rest. To eat something nourishing. To talk to a counselor or coach who understands what this kind of heartbreak feels like.

You may not feel strong right now. But you are. You are surviving something incredibly painful. And that means you already have more strength than you realize.

You Don’t Have to Know the Ending Right Now

I can’t promise what will happen from here. Some women go on to save their marriages and find a deeper intimacy than they ever had before. Others eventually decide to walk away—but do so from a place of peace rather than pain.

Both outcomes require time, healing, and clarity.

Right now, you don’t need to map out the whole future. You just need to take the next right step. And then the one after that.

You’ve already done the hardest part—facing the truth. Now, it’s about healing on your terms.

I promise, no matter how hopeless it may feel in this moment, you can come through this stronger, wiser, and more whole than before.

I didn’t think I could. But I did. You can read about exactly how I did it at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By Katie Lersch: I sometimes dialogue with folks who are struggling to make sense of what happened after an affair. Some are trying to save their marriage. Some are just trying to hold it together long enough to figure out what they really want. But one thing that comes up over and over again is this deep, lingering pain that doesn’t seem to go away. And when I dig a little deeper, the wife will usually say something like:

“He never really apologized.”

Or:

“He says he’s sorry I’m hurt, but he’s never taken full responsibility.”

If this sounds familiar, you are so not alone. I know from experience how confusing and painful this is. It’s one thing to be devastated by an affair. But it’s another to feel like you’re expected to just move on without the one thing your heart keeps waiting for: a real, genuine, humble, heartfelt apology.

So what do you do when the apology never comes—or when it’s half-hearted, defensive, or more about protecting his own guilt than acknowledging your pain?

Here’s what I’ve learned, both from my own journey and from other wives who have walked through this too.

1. Understand What a Real Apology Should Look Like

Let’s be clear: saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” is not an apology. Neither is “Well, I didn’t mean to hurt you” or “We both made mistakes.” Those are deflections. They shift the blame or minimize your pain.

A real apology acknowledges the betrayal. It doesn’t rush you to move on. It doesn’t defend the indefensible. And it makes you feel seen.

But here’s the hard part: not every husband is emotionally equipped to give that kind of apology—at least not right away. And some never do.

That doesn’t mean you can’t heal. But it does mean you’ll need to shift the focus away from waiting on him—and start focusing on what you can control.

2. Give Yourself the Validation He Won’t

When my husband wouldn’t apologize the way I needed at first, I stayed stuck in this place of waiting. Yes, he tried to apologize. But it just didn’t feel like it was deep enough. I kept waiting for closure. Waiting for him REALLY to acknowledge the hurt. Waiting for the words that would finally make it all feel like it mattered to him. I’m not even sure the exact words I was waiting for, but I felt like I’d know then when I heard them.

But eventually, I realized I had to validate myself—because whether or not he could face what he did didn’t change the truth: I was deeply hurt. I didn’t deserve it. And the pain I felt was real and valid.

Write that down somewhere if you need to. Because the lack of a proper apology can mess with your head. It can make you feel like maybe you’re overreacting. Or maybe you did something to deserve it.

You didn’t.

3. Watch His Actions—Not Just His Words

Some husbands just aren’t great with words. It doesn’t excuse it, but it’s reality.

Still, even if he never says the exact words you wish he would, there’s something more important than what he says: what he does.

Is he trying to rebuild your trust?
Is he open to talking—even when it’s uncomfortable?
Is he giving you the space to grieve?
Is he making the changes that show he’s serious about never going down this road again?

Sometimes, men will say all the right things but change nothing. Other times, they’ll stumble through their apologies but show through their actions that they’re committed to making things right.

4. Grieve the Apology You Didn’t Get

This part doesn’t get talked about enough. When you don’t get the apology you needed, it’s a loss in itself.

It’s okay to grieve that.

You’re grieving not just the betrayal, but the reality that the person who hurt you may never fully understand what they did. And that’s a hard pill to swallow.

It’s also okay to feel angry about that. In fact, it’s healthy. Just don’t let it harden you. Feel it. Write about it. Cry it out. But then, when you’re ready, let it move through you, not live inside you.

5. Choose What Kind of Healing You Want—With or Without Him

Here’s something I say a lot, because it was true for me: You can start healing whether your husband participates or not.

You don’t need his permission. You don’t need his perfect apology. Would it help? Absolutely. But your healing doesn’t depend on him getting it right. It depends on you deciding that your future matters more than staying stuck in the pain he caused.

Eventually, if your husband wants to rebuild with you, he’ll have to come to terms with the reality of what he did. Sometimes, the apology comes later—after the dust has settled and he finally starts to see the damage clearly.

But whether it comes or not, you deserve to move forward with your head held high and your heart on the path to wholeness.

When my husband had an affair and I was left with a sort of vague apology. I felt like I couldn’t move forward until I got the apology I really wanted. But what I learned is that the real power didn’t come from him—it came from me choosing to stop waiting.

I focused on becoming whole again. On regaining my peace. On reclaiming the parts of me that got lost in the hurt.

You’re not crazy for wanting an apology. But you’re also not powerless without it.

If you want to read more about how I navigated this process and eventually got to a better place in my marriage—and in myself—you can find that story on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: There is no question that the aftermath of an affair can put a damper on occasions that would otherwise be very happy. I once had a friend tell me that she felt as if the “firsts” after her spouse’s affair were like the “firsts” after a parent’s death. This may sound dramatic. But if you think about it, one can see the connection. The “first” birthday or Christmas or other celebratory holidays can feel off once you have suffered severe loss. An affair can have the same effect. And an affair can also be a loss. Many holidays and celebrations can feel awkward and false after your spouse has an affair. Your wedding anniversary might be the most loaded of them all.

Someone might say, “in two weeks, my husband and I will celebrate our wedding anniversary. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I feel very lucky to even be married at all. My spouse had an affair that almost ended our marriage. So while our marriage is most definitely still struggling and we have much work left to do, at least we are still together. However, it feels very weird and false to celebrate our marriage as if nothing has happened. Actually, we had planned for this to be a notable anniversary. We had planned to go to Europe and renew our vows. I canceled after I found out after the affair. And when I think about that now, all the anger that I’d felt toward my husband came rushing back. As I said, I want to remain married and am grateful that I am. But this brings back all that we have lost and all that we still need to make up. What do you do about your anniversary after an affair that almost ended your marriage? I feel that it was disrespectful to ignore it. But I don’t want to pretend that everything is fine, either.  If none of this had happened, I’d be heading to Europe and I’m resentful about this.”

I completely get where you are coming from. I had the same experience and I will tell you how I chose to navigate this below. I had some professionals who helped me come up with this plan and I think that it was a good one.

I Made It Enjoyable On Its Own Terms: I decided that I was not going to pretend that this was just any celebration. In no way was I going to insinuate that nothing unfortunate had happened. However, I also wanted to honor the fact that I was still in my marriage because I wanted to be there. We had both made an effort to stay put and hold our marriage together and I wanted to honor this. So I told my husband we were going to celebrate a new path and just have a nice evening without the baggage and longing.

Did that mean that I wanted to erase our past history? No, absolutely not. In fact, our past history is a major reason that we are still together today. That history is very important to me. But I felt that, at least for this one night, focusing on the past was not the right call. I actually told my husband that we weren’t going to exchange gifts and we were going to spend the money toward a fun, shared experience together instead.

I worried that exchanging gifts would be a loaded and awkward experience because one or both of us might stress too much over it. Instead, we had a very nice, pretty expensive experience that we would not otherwise have had. It was normally rare for us to do things without a great deal of planning and preparation or “just because.” But that is exactly what we did in this case. And we had a great time and we came home excited about our future without lamenting our past.

Make The Occasion As Individual As Your Situation Is: What I described above is not going to work for everyone. Some people feel that they need a traditional holiday. Or, they just do not feel like celebrating right now. Both things are completely valid. Ask yourself where you are in your relationship right now and what you would like to accomplish and honor with this celebration. It goes without saying that the time may not be right to have the wedding anniversary celebration that you have always had. I believe that it is perfectly fine to acknowledge this because if you try to force a traditional celebration which ultimately fails, then you will only feel worse. Ask yourself what you and your spouse truly want and need right now and give yourself permission to provide exactly that.

I had a friend who was doing individual work during her anniversary. She and her husband had agreed to keep in touch but to do self-work before coming back together and then deciding what to do about their marriage. So, they got side by side massages on their anniversary. They talked. They enjoyed themselves. But other people were in the room and they didn’t feel pressured to pretend that this was a romantic getaway when they were focused on self-work. So, they customized a holiday that reflected where they were on their journey. They had no regrets and the next year they celebrated a more traditional holiday.

Be Honest: It’s so important to be honest with your spouse about what type of celebration you do or do not want. Do not set yourself up for failure by hesitating to share how you truly feel.  I truly don’t think it really matters how you spend your anniversary as long as you are both happy with the experience. And this can’t often happen if you are not honest with each other.

Your husband is likely well aware how loaded this holiday is and he is likely just invested as you are to enjoy it. This gives you one more chance to work together to ensure that you both get what you want. This is an important skill in reconciliation and in making your new marriage work –  so now is a great time to start practicing.

If it helps, you can read about my own reconciliation after the affair here: http://surviving-the-affair.com  It was a long road but I really feel that we didn’t rush and this helped it stick.

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By: Katie Lersch: When your husband cheats, it feels like your world implodes in a matter of seconds. One moment, you think you understand your marriage, your life, and your future. The next, everything feels like a lie. What makes it worse is that most people don’t always recognize the pain after infidelity as grief, but that’s exactly what it is.

It’s the loss of trust. The loss of innocence. The loss of the relationship as you once knew it. And sometimes—even if you stay—it’s the loss of the version of your marriage you believed in.

I know this pain all too well—not just from people who dialogue with me, but from personal experience. And if you’re in the middle of it, let me say this: you are not crazy, overreacting, or weak. You’re grieving. And grief, especially the kind caused by betrayal, is complicated. But it is normal, too. And it’s certainly understandable.

Below, I’ll share what I’ve learned about this specific kind of grief and offer some tips that can help you navigate through it.

Acknowledge That You Are Grieving

Many women tell me, “I feel like someone died.” And in a way, something did. The version of your marriage that existed before the affair has changed. Whether it can be rebuilt or not, you still need to allow yourself to mourn what you’ve lost.

You might feel sad one minute and angry the next, numb, detached, or disoriented, and obsessed with details you never wanted to know. You may even wonder who you are anymore.

All of that is normal. You’re not broken. Grief doesn’t follow a neat, linear path. Some days will feel like progress, and others like you’re back at square one. That’s okay.

Don’t Rush the Process

One thing I often hear is:
“It’s been three weeks (or months or even years)—why am I not over this yet?”

Because grief after infidelity isn’t something you can schedule or suppress. Healing takes time—and sometimes even more time than you think it should.

This isn’t about how fast you “get over it.” It’s about slowly moving through each emotion without bypassing them. If you skip the hard parts (anger, confusion, sorrow), they’ll often come back later, stronger.

So give yourself grace. And understand that your healing may look very different from someone else’s.

Get It Out. Release It. 

Grief loves silence. It loves to grow in the quiet corners of your mind when you try to keep everything bottled up.

Journaling can be incredibly helpful, even if you only write a few lines a day. You don’t need to be a great writer—just brutally honest. Let your rage, sorrow, hope, confusion, and exhaustion spill out.

If journaling doesn’t work for you, consider talking to a counselor, support group, or a trusted friend who will just listen without judgment. You need somewhere safe to be messy and real.

Don’t Feel Pressured to Make Big Decisions Right Away

After your husband cheats, you may feel like you have to make a fast decision:
Do I stay or go? Can I ever trust him again? What does this mean for our future?

Here’s the truth: you don’t have to figure it all out today.
Sometimes, just focusing on surviving the next hour or day is enough.

Give yourself permission to pause. To say, “I’m not ready to decide yet.” That’s not weakness—it’s wisdom.

Take Care of Your Yourself (Even When You Don’t Want To)

Grief hits the body hard. Many women lose sleep, stop eating, or feel sick with anxiety. You may wake up with a racing heart, or find it hard to concentrate.

Try—gently—to do small things that nourish you. Eat something comforting. Get outside for a short walk. Stretch. Take deep breaths. Sleep when you can. Drink water.

These little steps won’t make the pain vanish, but they will keep you grounded. You deserve care—even now, especially now.

Beware of Emotional Landmines

Certain things may set you off: a song, a place, a comment, a memory. And when they do, you may feel blindsided.

This is part of grief. These emotional landmines can’t always be avoided—but you can prepare for them. And when one explodes, remind yourself: This doesn’t mean I’m back at square one. This is part of the healing. Recognize it for what it is and do something kind for yourself.

Try to recognize what your triggers are, and plan ahead. If you know a date or location will be difficult, decide what support or strategy you might need. You are not powerless here.

You Can Love Someone and Still Grieve What They Did

One of the hardest parts is the emotional contradiction. You may still love your husband—or at least remember the version of him you thought you had. And yet, you’re furious or devastated by his betrayal.

That duality is confusing, but incredibly common.

You don’t have to pick a side today. You can miss him and be angry. You can want to save your marriage and still feel deeply hurt.

Start Rebuilding Yourself—Piece by Piece

Eventually, the grief will begin to shift. Maybe not all at once. Maybe not in any way that feels dramatic or obvious. But one day, you’ll wake up, and the pain won’t take your breath away.

Use that space to reconnect with yourself.
What do you want? What makes you feel strong? Who are you outside of the betrayal?

Whether you rebuild your marriage or not, you deserve to feel whole again. You deserve joy, trust, and peace. Start with tiny steps. One small act of self-respect, self-care, or self-connection at a time.

Grieving after infidelity is a personal, painful, and non-linear process. But please know you are not destined to feel like this forever.

You may never forget what happened, but you can heal. You can find clarity. And yes, you can feel joy again—on your own terms, in your own time.

And if you’re not sure what comes next yet? That’s okay. Just focus on getting through today. You’re already stronger than you know. And things have a way of getting better if you just keep churning forward. Give yourself exactly what you need – time, space, and support. It took me a while to accept that I was going to have to go at a slower pace than I had assumed. But in the end, it worked out for me. I feel pretty whole today and I am still married today. You can read about my healing at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: If you’ve recently found out your husband cheated, I don’t have to tell you how confusing and all-consuming the emotional fallout can be. One minute, you’re crushed and numb. The next, you’re furious. Then comes the urge to do something — to regain a sense of control, to make him hurt even a fraction of the way he hurt you.

And that’s often when a very specific impulse creeps in:
“Maybe I can make him jealous.”

If you’re having thoughts like these — or if you’re already taking steps to try and stir jealousy in your husband — I want you to know first and foremost: you are not crazy or petty or broken. You’re reacting to betrayal. You’re trying to understand a world that no longer feels safe. And yes, you may be subconsciously trying to reclaim your power.

But does making your husband jealous actually help? Or could it hurt your chances of healing ?

Let’s talk about it.

The Emotional Need Behind the Jealousy Urge:

When your husband cheats, a huge part of the pain comes from what the affair implies. You may suddenly feel that you’re not good enough. Not sexy enough. Not fun enough. Not interesting enough.

Even if your rational mind knows that his choice to cheat says more about him than it ever will about you, your wounded heart may be screaming:
“I want him to know what it feels like to lose me.”
“I want him to think someone else might want me, too.”
“I want to matter again.”

That’s what the jealousy drive is really about. It’s not just about making him squirm (although let’s be honest — that might feel satisfying in the moment). It’s about trying to regain some of the confidence, desirability, and power that the affair stole from you.

And that is an understandable reaction.

Will Making Him Jealous Actually Work?:

This is where things get a little tricky.

Yes, in some cases, a cheating spouse does react when their betrayed partner starts showing signs of independence, confidence, or interest from others. He may get territorial. He may suddenly “remember” that he doesn’t want to lose you.

But here’s the problem: that kind of reaction is often rooted in ego, not real remorse or love. It’s not that he truly understands your pain or is committed to rebuilding trust. It’s because his pride is injured.

You might get his attention. But is it the kind of attention you actually want? And more importantly, does it help you heal?

The Risk of Hurting Yourself More

Some women tell me they’ve tried to make their husband jealous by dressing provocatively, pretending to flirt with coworkers, or planting seeds about an “old friend” getting in touch. Others go further and actually try to date during the affair aftermath.

And here’s what I hear again and again:

“I thought I’d feel powerful. But I just felt empty.”
“I wanted him to feel jealous, but it ended up making me feel worse.”
“Now he’s accusing me of being unfaithful, and I feel even more defensive.”

When you act from a place of deep hurt, it’s very easy to miscalculate. The short-term satisfaction of making him squirm might be followed by regret, guilt, or confusion — especially if he reacts negatively or uses it as justification for pulling away even more.

And that’s the thing. You don’t want to become someone you’re not just to make a point. You don’t want to lose even more of yourself in the aftermath of his betrayal.

So What Should You Do Instead?

I’m not saying you shouldn’t focus on your appearance, your confidence, or your own healing. In fact, I highly encourage it. But I want you to do it for you, not to manipulate or provoke him.

Here are some healthier ways to process those jealous-driven feelings:

1. Work on rebuilding your self-worth.
   Focus on the things that make you feel strong, attractive, and whole. This might mean journaling, a new fitness goal, or reconnecting with passions you put on the back burner.

2. Surround yourself with affirming people.
   Spend time with people who remind you of your worth, with or without your husband.

3. Set boundaries that prioritize your healing.
   If your husband is giving mixed signals, pressuring you to “just get over it,” or failing to show real remorse, it’s OK to step back and protect your emotional space.

4. Decide what you want moving forward.
   Do you want to save the marriage? Is he showing you that he’s willing to do the work? These questions are important — and they should guide your actions more than a momentary desire to “get back at him.”

Reclaim Your Power — Without Losing Yourself

Here’s the truth I’ve had to learn — and the truth many women eventually come to embrace:

You don’t need to make him jealous to prove your worth.

Your value isn’t tied to whether your husband notices you, wants you back, or feels possessive. You are worthy of love and loyalty because of who you are — not because of how well you play emotional chess.

You can regain your power by healing. By growing. By becoming someone who no longer feels desperate for his attention — because you know you can stand on your own, no matter what happens.

Ironically, that is often what changes the dynamic in the relationship. When you stop chasing and start shining, he may finally wake up and realize what he stands to lose.

But even if he doesn’t? You win. Because you didn’t become bitter. You didn’t become someone you’re not. And you didn’t need to use jealousy as your weapon.

You chose to fight for yourself instead.  I chose to fight for myself. That ultimately led to me saving my marriage.  But in the beginning, it was all for selfish reasons. It was all for myself. I have no regrets. You can read my story at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: Sometimes, I hear comments asking, “How to heal after an affair.”  It’s true that when your spouse has an affair, you can feel as though you’re the walking wounded or as if you have a big gaping wound in your heart that you’re not sure if you’ll ever be able to fix.

You feel as though there’s something wrong with you, as though you’re a different person than you were before you found out about the affair.  You know you’ve lost your footing and you doubt things about yourself, your spouse, and your marriage that you thought you knew.

And, living like this hurts.  But when you have a wound that you can see, it’s easier to heal.  You can see its progress.  You can see what it is responding to and what it’s not.  But when the wound it’s inside of you, it’s much harder.  You’re just sort of feeling your way and stumbling along.  But I’m here to tell you that you can heal after your husband’s affair.  I can’t tell you that it won’t take time and effort because it will.  But I promise if you put in the time and the deliberate work, you can do it.  In the following article, I will discuss how.

Believe That Healing After An Affair Is Possible.  Countless People Do It.  You Can Do It Too:  I know that this seems like wishful thinking right now.  I know that you might think that all of this is easy for me to say.  It’s certainly easier for me to say now that I have healed, but I don’t say it lightly.  I had some very dark days.  There were times when I couldn’t even bear to look at my husband’s face, much less be in the same room with him.

But eventually, you get tired of living this way.  Eventually, it hurts worse to hang on to the pain than it does to get up and do the work.  Yes, exploring why the affair happened and putting safeguards in place while rebuilding the trust takes some doing.

But this is so much better than continuing to walk around hurt forever without making any real progress.  One day, I realized I’d just rather grit my teeth and dive into a slightly uncomfortable process than live a life sentence of misery and pain after my husband’s affair.

So you really have to believe that you can heal.  You have to commit to finding what you need to do so. (This is true even if you ultimately decide that you don’t want to save your marriage.  The process really is the same.)  And then you have to see it through and continue to tweak it along the way.

Don’t Make Apologies For What You Personally Need To Heal:  Just for a second, ask yourself what you really want right now.  What would make this better for you?  What would be your first step toward healing?  The answers to these questions are individual.  But I can tell you what I often hear.

I often hear phrases like: “I want him to be truly sorry that his affair hurt me and our marriage.”

“I want him to understand how devastating this affair has been to me so that he won’t do it again.”

“I want him to love me not because he feels guilt or pity but because he still loves me, wants me, and finds me attractive.”

“I want to see the sparkle in his eye again and hear the laughter in my voice. I want to believe that we can be happy again both as individuals and together.”

“I want to be able to trust him again.  I don’t want to live my life worried that he’ll cheat again.  I want to believe that if he’s ever tempted or struggling again, he will talk to me first and take action.”

Finally, another common one is “I want to  believe he’s still a person of integrity and that we will both learn something from this so that our marriage is actually better after the affair.”

If any of these ring true for you, then those are places and things you will need to be open and honest about with your spouse so that you can work through them together.  If you still don’t trust him, ask him to be more accountable.  If you still don’t believe he’s truly sorry, ask him to open up and discuss this with you in the spirit of healing rather than accusations.

Always remember that the whole idea of this is that you heal, not that you accuse, or point a finger, or lay blame, or continue on with the negativity.  I promise that when you let some of these things go, it will be as if a huge weight is lifted off your shoulders.

Don’t Ignore Self Work (And Returning Your Self Esteem) On Your Path To Healing After His Affair:  We all usually know that we have to work with our spouse and work on our marriage following an affair.  But many people ignore themselves and their own needs.  It’s very likely that your self-esteem was seriously negatively affected by your spouse’s affair.

Many women tell me they feel ugly, stupid, naive, and the list goes on and on. Many of us blame ourselves.  Many of us tell ourselves that we were not good enough.  We worry about our appearance and our skills in the bedroom.  (Did the other woman have something that we didn’t?)

This thinking can eat us alive, and we have to do something to stop it. That’s why restoring your self-esteem after his affair is vital to your healing.  Please do not ignore this step.  Please give yourself permission to do this.  I know for certain that your husband can do and say all the right things, but if your self-esteem is low, you will not believe them, and so the cycle of worry and pain continues.

This was so true for me.  Once I took action rather than feeling bad about myself, I saw a difference in my marriage. If you are stuck and unable to heal, and you’re already actively working on your marriage, make sure you are also working on yourself.  So many people neglect this,s and doing so can really slow your progress.

I know this is hard. I know that it might feel like you will never really heal.  But put one foot in front of the other and tell yourself that just for today, you will be kind to yourself, and you will do whatever it takes to make yourself feel as though you are moving forward.  If there are setbacks, just keep going. Don’t allow frustration to stop you and keep you stuck.

By no means am I an expert; I’m just telling you what has worked for me.  You can read more about this on my blog at “Surviving The Affair” at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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