Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: If you’re reading this, you might still be reeling from the sting of infidelity, not just because your husband cheated, but because of what it did to your sense of self. Maybe you’re asking yourself: “Was I not enough?” or “Can I ever trust my own judgment again?”

I often hear from women who feel shaken to the core after an affair. And one of the most painful parts, beyond the betrayal, is the way it dismantles your self-esteem and trust in yourself. Not just in your husband. In you.

So let’s talk through how you can start to rebuild your own confidence. Because you deserve that. Not all at once, not perfectly, but in small, steady ways that bring your strength and clarity back piece by piece.

Understand That the Affair Wasn’t About Your Worth: This is hard to believe at first, I know. When the man you shared a life with chooses to go outside of your marriage, it’s incredibly natural to internalize that and ask, “What did she have that I didn’t?”

But I can’t stress this enough: affairs are rarely about the betrayed spouse’s shortcomings. They’re usually about escape, ego, unresolved personal issues and struggles, or emotional immaturity or impulse control on the part of the cheating partner.

You didn’t “cause” this. You didn’t make him cheat. And if he led you to believe otherwise, that’s on him, not you. You can’t heal if you’re carrying someone else’s shame as your own.

Reconnect With the Woman You Were Before the Pain. For Yourself. No one Else: One of the things I encourage women to do during recovery is to remember who they were before the affair happened. Not necessarily the woman you were in the marriage — but the woman you were as a whole person. Who were you when you felt confident? What gave you joy, identity, or purpose outside of your role as “wife”?

After an affair, so many women feel like they’ve become invisible, not just to their husband, but to themselves. So this step isn’t just about healing for the marriage, it’s about reconnecting to you.

Maybe that means journaling. Maybe it means a solo walk each day with your favorite podcast. Maybe it means trying something you always wanted to do but never gave yourself permission to. Maybe it means giving yourself permission to spend money on your appearance or self-improvement if that makes you feel better.

Small wins build momentum.

Set Boundaries That Make You Feel Safe: Sometimes, rebuilding self-confidence starts with setting boundaries — even if reconciliation is on the table. After betrayal, you’re allowed to ask for what you need. That might mean that you need transparency with his phone or whereabouts (at least temporarily,) time and space to process without being rushed, and regular check-ins about how you’re both doing emotionally

This isn’t about controlling him. It’s about regaining your own sense of security. And if he’s truly committed to rebuilding, he’ll respect that these boundaries aren’t punishment — they’re repair tools. And you need them.

Be Honest About the Damage (Without Letting It Define You:) A lot of women say things like, “I should be over this by now,” or “I don’t want to keep bringing it up. What if he gets tired of hearing about it?”

But healing doesn’t work on a timeline. And you’re allowed to hurt. You’re allowed to still have bad days, even months after the affair ended. You’re allowed to grieve what you thought your marriage was.

You don’t have to pretend you’re fine just to keep the peace. And being honest about how you’re doing doesn’t make you weak. It makes you real. The key is expressing it in ways that are productive rather than punishing.

One approach I recommend is saying: “I want us to move forward, but today I’m feeling a little shaky. I need your help to find my footing again.”

This shifts the tone from blame to connection, and it gives your husband a role in rebuilding, instead of shutting him out.

Stop Measuring Yourself Against Her. You’ll Never Win When You Compete With Your Own Mind:  If your husband had an affair with someone who seemed younger, thinner, or more exciting, it can be incredibly tempting to constantly compare yourself. But here’s what you need to know: You are not in competition with her.

She existed in a fantasy bubble. She got the best performance of a man who was likely feeling guilty, flattered, and detached from his real life. She didn’t walk through real-world stress with him. She didn’t raise kids or build a home by his side.

You are the woman who stayed. You are the one choosing to fight. You are the one with history.

The best way to stop comparing? Focus inward. Pour into yourself FOR YOURSELF. Reclaim the space in your own life where comparison has been stealing peace.

Know That Confidence Isn’t Loud. It’s Quiet Resilience: A lot of women assume that rebuilding confidence means becoming this fearless, invincible version of themselves. But in my experience, true post-affair confidence looks a lot more like calm and clarity.

It’s the ability to say: “I know what I bring to the table and I won’t settle for less than respect and honesty, even if it means hard conversations.”

It’s not that the pain disappears — it’s that you slowly stop letting it define your every move.

You might still feel fragile, unsure, and shaken. That’s okay. This is trauma. And it doesn’t undo itself overnight.

But every time you make a choice that protects your peace, every time you put one foot in front of the other — even if it’s small — you’re reclaiming your power.

You can survive this. More than that, you can grow stronger. Whether your marriage ultimately recovers or not, you will be okay. And you’ll find yourself again, not just as someone who was betrayed, but as someone who rebuilt from the ashes.

I will admit. I DID change my appearance for my own confidence after my husband’s affair. But it wasn’t dramatic. It was just making the most of what I have, so I felt better about myself. Today, I know that I can handle whatever comes my way – but I am still very married. You can read about how I picked up the pieces, and eventually, we did it together at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who feel as if they will never be truly free from an affair that is in the past.  Often, they have tried everything that they know to do to make sure that their spouse can heal and move on.  But it doesn’t happen, even many years later.

I heard from a wife who said: “The affair that I had when we were first married was all my fault.  I was and still am extremely remorseful for this and I have apologized repeatedly.  I have begged my husband to go to counseling so that we can heal properly but he has always refused.  Like many men, the idea of counseling is just not a pleasurable one for him.  I understand why he doesn’t want to go, but I think it would have helped us because my husband has really never gotten over the affair even though it was ten years ago.  Whenever we get into an argument, he will still throw the infidelity in my face.  If he makes a mistake and I bring it up, he will say something like: ‘at least I’m not a cheater. I may make mistakes, but I’ve never made that one. I have always been faithful to you. Can you say the same?’  I really can’t argue with him when he makes hurtful statements like this.  Because in a sense, he is right.  But shouldn’t we have moved on after ten years?  I love my husband.  I want to help him get over this.  But at the same time, having to constantly relive the affair after so many years just feels so wrong to me.  Am I out of line?”

I have to admit that as a spouse who was cheated on, I often see things from the side of the faithful spouse.  And I often defend a slow recovery because I believe that everyone heals at their own pace and that the faithful spouse should never feel rushed or judged. However, with that said, ten years is a very long time.

Remaining Stuck For Years After An Affair Is Hurtful For Both Spouses:  A decade is a lot of time to continue to be in pain and to remain in turmoil.  The fact that this husband was still bringing this up ten years after the fact was troubling for both spouses on many levels.

The fact that the wife was still trying to help her husband heal and still allowing the hurtful comments because she felt she deserved them showed her commitment to her husband and to her marriage.  Frankly, it may have been easier for her to just give up or declare her husband or her marriage a lost cause, to say she did her best, and then to leave.  But she didn’t do that, even though staying was sometimes very difficult for her.  She stayed even when she knew the comments were still going to come on a regular basis because she loved her husband. But, continuing to relive this every time conflict surfaced wasn’t fair to either of them.  It kept both of them stuck.  And it meant that their marriage wasn’t as strong as it could or should be.

At the same time, I suspected that the faithful spouse didn’t particularly enjoy keeping the pain alive.  I will admit that in the early days after the affair, I used to make nasty and hurtful comments to my husband.  But now that we have healed, I certainly no longer do this and I can’t imagine still engaging or bringing up the affair ten years after the fact.

Find Out If There Are Outstanding Issues That Can Still Be Healed: I believe that there a couple of ways that you can look at this.  You can ask yourself if it’s possible that you (or your spouse) didn’t completely heal after the affair.  I am not going to tell you that counseling is absolutely necessary in order to heal, because I do not believe that it is in every case.  (But I do believe that a lot of work needs to be done regardless of whether the work is done in counseling or at home.)  And if it isn’t, then you often find yourself dealing with the same old issues over and over again.  And even ten years after the fact is possible.

The other possibility is that the faithful spouse has some reason that they don’t want to move on.  Perhaps they are still angry and they like having something to hold over the cheating spouse’s head.  Perhaps they want the cheating spouse to know that the betrayal will never be forgotten. If this is the case, it can help to make it clear that living this way isn’t benefitting either of you.

A suggested script might be something like: “I know that the affair was all my fault and I still feel remorse.  However, that was ten years ago.  It’s not healthy for either of us to continue to live in the past.  If there is still something that is bothering you or if you need something from me in order to heal, let’s discuss what it is so that we can fix it.  Because neither of us deserves to relieve this pain.  I am still here ten years later.  I wouldn’t still be here if I didn’t want to be or if I didn’t love you or wasn’t committed to our marriage.  Please let me know what more you need from me so that we can move on for good.  Living in the shadow of the past is holding our marriage back from being as good as it can be.  I want for us to be happy.  Help me achieve that.”

After this conversation, hopefully, it will become more clear as to where your spouse stands and what your spouse still needs.  I don’t want to judge anyone’s healing process, but even I think that ten years is far too long to keep holding onto this.  It’s not healthy for either spouse and it keeps your marriage from ever really recovering.

I admit that I do understand holding onto the affair in the short term.  This happens when healing isn’t complete and it’s completely normal.  But years is an excessive amount of time in my opinion.  And it makes sense to place your focus on complete healing so that you can move on for good.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives dealing with the devastating aftermath of an affair. And one of the most common but heartbreaking questions I hear is this: “What if he really loved her? It almost looks like he is mourning the loss of her.”

If you’re asking yourself this question, I want you to know you’re not alone. So many wives ask this same question, and what you’re feeling is valid. It’s incredibly painful to imagine your husband having real feelings for another woman, especially when you’re trying to hold your marriage together and make sense of what just happened.

So, let’s have a look.

Why This Question Hurts So Much: When your husband cheats, you’re already reeling from the betrayal. But when you start to suspect — or he even admits — that he may have had real and concrete feelings for the other woman, it adds a whole new level of heartbreak.

Some wives have told me, “If it were just sex, maybe I could eventually move on. But if he loved her, how could I ever compete with that? How can I even move past that?”

I completely understand that. It feels like a deeper kind of rejection. Not just of your body or your routines, but of who you are as a wife and as part of your marriage.

The “Fantasy Bubble” of Affairs: Here’s something I want you to know: affairs almost always happen in a bubble. They exist outside of real life — no bills, no kids throwing tantrums, no laundry piling up. They’re built on secrecy, adrenaline, and emotional escape. And that can make the feelings inside that bubble seem very intense, or to the surprise of no one, like love.

Your husband may have convinced himself he had “deep feelings” for the other woman. He may have told her he loved her. Or he may have told you he loved her, and you’re now haunted by those words.

But here’s what I want you to consider: just because something felt intense doesn’t mean it was real love.

Affairs create the illusion of emotional connection because they’re designed that way. They’re exciting. There’s risk. There’s validation. The other person sees only the version of your husband he chose to show. She doesn’t see him when he’s sick, angry, stressed, or struggling.

So yes — he may have felt something. But that doesn’t mean he experienced a love that was stronger, deeper, or more meaningful than what you two built together over years of shared history.

Even “Real” Feelings Don’t Mean He Wants to Leave You: Another fear I hear from wives: “If he loved her, does that mean he’ll always wonder what could have been?” Possibly, at least for a little while. But that doesn’t automatically mean your marriage can’t recover.

Sometimes men do develop feelings during an affair, but when the bubble pops — or they think they do. When reality sets in, many come to realize that those feelings weren’t based on anything sustainable. They start to see the flaws in the other woman, or the guilt starts eating away at the fantasy. And they begin to crave the stability, loyalty, and depth that only their marriage ever gave them.

In fact, I’ve heard from women who say: “He swore he loved her, but after a few months, he admitted it was nothing compared to what we had.”

Sometimes, They Want To Believe They Love Her To Justify Her Cheating: Sometimes, a man will convince himself that he “loves” the affair partner to justify his actions. After all, if she was “special,” or he was “in love,” then that would be justification for his behavior now.

What You Can Do Right Now: If you’re stuck in this painful loop of ruminating on whether he loved her, here are some things you can try:

1. Don’t obsess over his “feelings” — focus on his actions. Is he staying with you? Is he remorseful? Is he open to rebuilding? Those behaviors will tell you far more than anything he might have said during the affair.

2. Don’t Let Yourself Compare: It’s tempting to ask, “Was she prettier? Younger? Funnier?” But this road only leads to self-doubt and pain. The truth is, affairs are rarely about the other woman being “better.” They’re more often about how the man felt about himself in her presence. Sometimes, it is also about availability.

Love can be rebuilt: Even if your husband did have real feelings during the affair, that doesn’t mean he can’t reconnect emotionally with you once the affair fog wears off, especially if there’s still trust to be restored and emotional needs to be met.

Don’t let his confusion define your worth: Your value as a woman and a wife isn’t based on how confused your husband was during his weakest moment. You are still you, and you still have the power to decide what happens next.

Should You Ask Him Straight Up How He Felt About Her?: This is a personal decision. Some women need to know in order to move forward. Others realize that digging too deep only prolongs the pain.

If you do ask, be prepared for him to be unsure, inconsistent, or even evasive. Many men genuinely don’t understand what they were feeling at the time. They’ll say things like: “It felt real, but now it feels like a fog.” Or “I thought I cared about her, but I was just escaping everything.” Or  “She was just… there. It wasn’t about her. It was about me.”

Those statements don’t make it better, but they can help you see that what you’re comparing yourself to wasn’t a true, grounded relationship. It was a moment in time, often wrapped in shame, guilt, and fantasy. Sometimes, he really is trying to tell you the truth, rather than making excuses.

Understand this: If your husband had feelings for the other woman, it doesn’t automatically mean your marriage is over, or that you weren’t enough. It could mean that he got lost. And now, he may be trying to find his way back.

Whether or not you let him is up to you. You have every right to take your time, to ask hard questions, and to rebuild trust on your terms.

But please don’t carry the weight of comparison on your shoulders forever. You are not the sum of someone else’s fantasy. You are a whole, complex, valuable woman. Never forget that.

You CAN heal. There was a time when I never thought I could. But I did. I accepted nothing less than true healing. And I am still married as a result. You can read more about that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I sometimes hear from wives who are truly perplexed by their reaction to hearing the details of their husband’s affair.  Usually, they will tell you that they expected to be not only furious, but totally turned off by their husband.  And often, no one is more shocked than them when this turns out not to be the case.  Imagine the shock and confusion when they find that they’re not completely closed off sexually.  In fact, they are stunned and confused to realize that they are a little turned on.

Common comments are something like: “I do not know what is wrong with me.  I am so furious at my husband for having an affair with a female coworker.  I know this woman and I have had her husband and herself over to my home as guests.  I honestly don’t know what I want to do about my marriage.  I hesitate to just kick him out and walk away because of my children.   My husband seems to think that there’s a good chance for us because we are having regular, and I have to admit very good, sex.   I am so angry at my husband.  He is not the man who I thought I knew.  And during the day, my anger will build and build.  But then he will get home and we will start talking about the affair.  When he starts talking about the details, I am so mad at myself when I figure out that I’m sort of turned on.  Then we end up having good sex and my husband will take this to mean that I’ve forgiven him and that I want to salvage our marriage.  I am not sure that this is the case.  I don’t know what I want.  I’m still angry and I wish I could stop having sex with him for a while.  But as soon as we talk about the affair, my libido goes into over drive.  What is wrong with me?  Surely, this is not normal?”

Actually, this can be very normal.  And it’s not all that uncommon.   It happened to me at times, although I admit that my moods swung so wildly that it was often heard to tell exactly what I was feeling.  I would go from furious to receptive to confused all over the course of mere minutes.  Below, I’ll outline why I believe this happens and offer some suggestions on the best way to handle it.

Why This Can Happen:  I believe that we can have an increased libido in this situation for a couple of reasons.  First of all, when you find out about the affair, you can then realize just how vulnerable your marriage is.  Even if you are furious with your husband and unsure of an appropriate path, you still reserve the right to stake your claim.  As a result, you can respond by wanting to know if the spark is still there.  Also, hearing the details about him with someone else can bring out our competitive spirit.  Even if we are no longer sure if we want him, we want to make sure that he potentially wants us.  Finally, the idea of him with someone else can be somewhat appealing because suddenly we can see that he has value and is desirable to someone else.

It’s totally normal and it doesn’t say anything about you or your mental health.  There is nothing at all wrong with you.

How To Handle This:  Although this can be normal, it can also create a lot of confusion.   It can be hard to determine how you truly feel when you are alternating between feeling anger and confusion with jumping into bed.   There are a couple of choices here.  Honestly, sometimes it can feel good to have sex again.  There is no denying that.  Sometimes, it can give you confirmation of your own attractiveness and allow you to take some of your power back.  If you are going to take that route, then you need to be honest with your spouse and be very clear that, for now, having sex does not mean that you are reconciling or that you are offering complete forgiveness.  It needs to be clear that you aren’t making any decisions until you have more time to consider or process this.  If your spouse has a problem with this, then this is probably something that you will have to negotiate.

The other option is to vow not to have sex until your feelings and wishes are more clear.  Some people are not able to separate their physical and sexual relationship with their emotional one.  And that’s completely valid also.   They key is to determine what you want (and what is most healthy for you) and then to just be honest.

But please don’t think that there’s anything wrong with you. There isn’t.  And as time goes by and you begin to heal, you’ll often find that this issue works its way into the background as you begin to get down to business of healing and making important decisions.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read about my own healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: I hear from a lot of women who feel completely blindsided when their husband cheats — but there’s a unique kind of hurt when the betrayal follows a very specific shift: He lost weight. He got in shape. He started working out, and then he had an affair.

And now you’re left trying to make sense of it all. Was this always coming? Did he cheat because I didn’t change like he did? Is he embarrassed by me now? Am I supposed to punish myself into losing weight just to keep up?

You may even be caught in a spiral of shame and self-blame, with thoughts like, “If I had looked better, would this have happened?” or “Why wasn’t I good enough the way I was?”

The answers to these questions are no. But let’s look at why, not just about what happened, but how to begin healing – emotionally and physically – when you feel like your self-worth has taken a direct hit.

His Affair Wasn’t About Your Weight Or Even His: Let’s get this out of the way first, because it’s the hardest and most important thing to internalize: Your husband did not cheat because you were out of shape. He didn’t even cheat because he got into shape. He cheated because he made a selfish and dishonest choice — full stop.

Yes, his body changed. And yes, maybe yours didn’t shift in the same way. But that does not mean you “drove” him into another woman’s arms. He could have come to you. He could have voiced any insecurities. He could have been honest. But he chose to betray.

And that says more about his character than your clothing size or his.

Why This Type of Betrayal Cuts So Deeply: When someone we love changes, especially in ways we encouraged or supported, it can feel like we were left behind. I’ve spoken to wives who bought the gym memberships. Cooked the healthy meals. Cheered their husband on. And then watched, heartbroken, as he got attention from others and responded to it.

It creates a painful narrative in your head. You might think, “He improved, and I didn’t, and now I’m not worthy,” or, “He leveled up,” and I’m no longer desirable.” And, “He wanted someone who matched the new version of himself — and that wasn’t me.”

These thoughts feel true because they’re wrapped in shame. But they are lies.

What’s true is this: You didn’t fall short. He did.

When You Don’t Even Want to Look in the Mirror Anymore: I hear this often: “I already didn’t feel great about my body. But now I feel like a fool — like everyone can see why he left.”

If this is where your mind goes, I want you to take a breath. You are not a fool. You are a woman who stayed, who supported, who tried to love someone through life’s changes. That takes strength, not weakness.

You may feel unattractive. But please don’t confuse betrayal with truth. Your worth — your beauty — didn’t vanish the moment he looked elsewhere. It’s still here. It’s just been buried under grief and rejection.

Should You Lose Weight Now? Only If It’s For You – And Not Him: This is another question that comes up a lot.“Should I start working out now? Should I change my body?”

Here’s my take, after years of talking to women in your shoes (and being one of them.)

Only make changes if they help you heal — not to compete with her or earn his attention.

If you want to get stronger? Great. If moving your body gives you clarity, confidence, or peace? Beautiful. But if the motivation is shame, panic, or punishment — it won’t stick. And it won’t help.

You can’t build a healthy life from a place of self-loathing. But you can rise from this, in your own time, and on your own terms. And fair disclosure. I did improve my appearance after my husband’s affair. But I did it for ME, for my own self-confidence, and it did help.

What If He Wants to Come Back? Sometimes, the very same man who got fit and cheated will come crawling back, full of apologies and declarations of regret. And that adds a whole new layer of confusion. You wonder, “Now he wants me again. But I’m still out of shape. Is that going to matter all over again?” Or, “Can I ever feel secure if I don’t change my body?” And, “Will I always feel like the second choice?”

These are honest, painful questions. If you’re considering reconciliation, your body image struggles deserve space in the conversation. You don’t have to pretend everything’s fine. You can say, “If we’re going to rebuild, I need to feel loved, desired, and valued exactly as I am, not just if I ‘fix’ myself.”

Real healing won’t come from a diet. It’ll come from emotional safety. And that starts with you demanding and receiving full acceptance.

I know that, right now, you may feel invisible. Maybe even disposable. But you are more than a reflection in a mirror.
More than a dress size. More than a before-and-after photo. More than the heartbreak you didn’t ask for.

Your value doesn’t go up when the number on the scale goes down, and neither does his. You are still here. And you still matter.

If You’re Ready to Reclaim Yourself — Start Small: Look for ways to boost your confidence without needing to make huge changes: Wear something that makes you feel powerful, not just what hides your body. Move your body for you, not for punishment. Speak gently to yourself, even if your instinct is to criticize. Surround yourself with people who reflect your worth, not just those who challenge it.

This isn’t about proving anything. It’s about reclaiming everything that was stolen when he betrayed you, starting with your own self-belief.

He got fit. He cheated. That was his path, and his failure. What comes next is yours to choose. You don’t owe anyone a transformation. But if you decide to rise — whether that’s physically, emotionally, or both — let it be for you. Not because you’re trying to win him back. But because you’re finally remembering who you’ve been all along. And that woman? She’s still in there. She’s always been. And she’s worth fighting for.

As I said, I did transform myself physically. But it was for me. And it wasn’t totally dramatic, just some changes to help with my confidence. I did restore my marriage. I am still married today. But I believe it may have happened without the transformation. You can read about how I saved my marriage after the affair at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: One of the most common — and most painful — struggles after infidelity is this: “I keep seeing it in my head. The images of them together. I try not to, but it just shows up, like a movie I didn’t ask to watch.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this exact sentiment. You may want to forgive. You may even still love your husband. Maybe you’ve decided to stay and rebuild. But none of that stops your mind from playing those gut-wrenching scenes on repeat.

And it feels unfair, doesn’t it? He made the mistake, and you are the one haunted by it — in the quiet moments, during intimacy, even sometimes when things seem “normal.”

So let’s talk honestly about how to handle this. Because trying to “just stop thinking about it” doesn’t work. I know that for a fact and from experience. But there are ways to soften the grip it has on your mind and heart.

You’re Not Broken for Replaying It. You Are Normal: You may have asked yourself: “Why am I obsessing like this? What’s wrong with me?” Nothing is wrong with you. You’re not crazy. You’re not overreacting. You’re not even ruminating. 
You’re dealing with trauma.

When betrayal happens, your brain does what it’s hardwired to do — it tries to understand, to protect, and to prepare. That’s why it keeps circling the same painful questions: Why did this happen? How could I not see it coming? What did she have that I don’t? And did she give him something that I didn’t?

You think if you can just answer all of them, you’ll feel better. But that never really works — because the pain isn’t about logic. It’s about heartbreak and trust. And that healing isn’t intellectual (because it would be easier if it was) it’s emotional.

Why the Images Feel So Invasive: Many women have a mental “movie” of their husband with the other woman, even if they never actually saw anything. It might come from a few details he told you. Or something you read. Or just your imagination filling in the blanks.

Unfortunately, once those images are in your head, your brain stores them in the same category as danger, so it keeps bringing them up as a way of saying: “Don’t forget this hurt. Don’t let this happen again.”

But you already know it hurt. You don’t need the reminders. You’re trying to move forward. So how do you quiet those images?

Practical Tools to Interrupt the Loop:

Don’t Fight the Thought — Reframe It: When the image pops up, instead of scolding yourself (“Ugh, stop thinking about that!”), try saying: “That’s a trauma response. I’m not crazy. I’m healing.” This takes the shame out of it. You’re not inviting the image. You’re surviving it. And every time you name it without judgment, it starts to lose its power.

Replace the Image with Something Positive:

The second you feel the image forming, redirect your attention with a physical or mental cue: A short grounding phrase, like “I’m safe now” or “That’s not my present.” Or try a visual — like picturing yourself on a peaceful beach or in a safe place. You can also try calming physical cue — tapping your fingers, deep breathing, or holding something comforting (like a warm cup or a textured object).

This isn’t about denial — it’s about training your brain that it doesn’t need to stay in fight-or-flight. It can let go.

Limit Over-Searching for Details: It’s incredibly tempting to keep asking more questions, or checking his phone, email, etc. You want to know everything. But too much detail can actually fuel the mental images, not soothe them.

If you truly need clarity, try asking just the questions that help you feel safer or more connected, not the ones that deepen the wound.

What to Do If the Images Come Up During Intimacy: This is deeply common and nothing to be ashamed of.

Many women tell me, “Every time we try to be close again, I see her. It ruins the moment.” If this is happening, don’t fake your way through. It’s okay to pause and say something like, “I’m trying, but I’m having a tough moment. Can we slow down or take a break?” When your husband supports you in this moment, it shows his commitment to you.

You can also communicate before intimacy. Let him know it might happen and that it’s not a reflection of him, but of your process. Focus on small steps — nonsexual touch, emotional closeness, and affectionate words to build safety again.

Healing your intimate connection takes time. Be gentle with yourself. There is no “normal” pace.

Healing Is Not Forgetting, It’s Redefining:  You may never fully forget what happened. But the goal isn’t to erase it.
It’s to get to a place where the thought no longer hijacks your peace. One day — and I’ve seen this happen for many women — that image will pop up… and it won’t sting in the same way. It won’t undo your day. It’ll just be something that happened, not something that defines you.

Thankfully, I no longer see these images anymore. But I used to see them all the time. And they hurt. Once I did the work to heal, truly heal, they stopped. You can read about how I did that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch:  I get this question quite often: “How do I know if my husband is still thinking about the affair? What if he hasn’t really moved on from it — even though he claims that he has?”

If you’re asking this, you’re not alone. It’s incredibly common — especially in the early months (and sometimes even years) after infidelity. You’ll often feel a low-level worry that your husband hasn’t completely put the affair behind him. Maybe he claims it’s over and he wants to move forward. But you can’t help but notice little things that make you wonder: Is he still mentally or emotionally in it somehow? Does he still long for her? Think of her?

This question is especially hard when you’re trying — really trying — to save your marriage and move on once and for all. Because who wants to dwell? Maybe you’ve chosen to stay. Maybe you’ve both promised to rebuild. But there’s still that lingering fear that he’s not fully back yet – that somewhere, deep down, he still thinks of her.

Let’s talk about some of the signs women often notice — and what they may or may not mean.

He Seems Distant or Zoned Out at Times: One of the most common concerns I hear goes something like:
“He says it’s over. But sometimes I’ll catch him staring off or seeming somewhere else entirely. And I wonder — is he thinking about her? Or about what happened?”

It’s possible he is. But it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s still emotionally (and especially physically) involved with the affair partner. What many men don’t talk about — and what some don’t even fully process themselves — is that the aftermath of an affair can be mentally consuming for both spouses, not just the betrayed one. He may be thinking about how much damage was done. He might be grappling with guilt, shame, or the discomfort of seeing your pain — and not knowing how to fix it.

That said, if he seems emotionally checked out or unreachable for long periods, it’s fair to gently bring it up. Not accusingly, but in a way that invites openness:

“Sometimes I notice you seem a little distant. Are you feeling overwhelmed about everything that’s happened?”

The goal isn’t to trap him — it’s to create space for honesty. And if he opens up, that is reassuring.

He’s Overly Defensive or Avoidant When The Affair Or Other Woman Comes Up: If every time you bring up the affair — or your feelings about it — he bristles, changes the subject, or snaps something like “Are we still talking about this AGAIN?”, it can absolutely trigger suspicion.

You might think: If he’s truly over it, why does he act so weird whenever I mention it?

Here’s what I’ve found: many men think that if they’re no longer in contact with the other woman, and they’ve “chosen” their wife, the issue should be behind them. But healing doesn’t work that way.

He might still be thinking about the affair because you’re still thinking about it, and he doesn’t know how to handle that. The avoidance might not mean he misses her, but it might mean he doesn’t know how to hold your pain without drowning in guilt or frustration.

That’s why communication is key. Tell him what you need, not just what you fear. Because honestly, if you leave him to guess, he may guess wrong. And that means you won’t get what you need to heal. And you deserve to do so.

He’s Quiet About His Regret Or Won’t Talk About the Details: You may be wondering if he never brings up the affair himself, does that mean he’s still emotionally tangled in it? Or that he doesn’t regret it enough? Not necessarily. Some men are genuinely afraid that talking about the affair will trigger you or make things worse. Others are embarrassed and ashamed. And some simply want to avoid revisiting the moment they nearly lost their family.

But here’s the tricky part: you can’t always move past what’s never spoken out loud. If it feels like he’s still carrying something emotionally, it’s okay to say, “I’m not trying to rehash the past just to hurt either of us. But I need to understand what you’re feeling — or not feeling — so we can move forward in a real way.”

If he’s thinking about the affair, he may not even have the words for it. But don’t mistake silence for indifference. It’s often fear or discomfort.

How Do You Really Know If He’s Still Thinking About It?: Here’s the honest answer I wish I could sugarcoat: You might not ever fully know what’s going on in his mind. Unless you are the world’s best psychic, you cannot read his mind.

But what you can look for his im being present for you now, him showing up to try to repair your marriage, him giving you the space and grace to process this, and him putting your marriage and healing above his own comfort. If he is doing these things, I think you have to give him the benefit of the doubt.

And quite honestly, even though it’s possible he may still think about the affair, that doesn’t mean he wants to go back to it. It may simply mean he’s still figuring out how to heal from the damage he caused. And that’s not necessarily a red flag — it’s part of the process.

It’s Okay to Ask for Reassurance: If you repetitively question whether he is comparing you to her, replaying their time together, or missing the other woman, you are not weak or insecure.  You suffered a trauma – a rupture in trust. And that takes time to heal. You’re allowed to ask for reassurance. You’re allowed to ask for clarity.  It’s okay to say, “I need to know where your heart really is right now, truly. Not to punish you, but so I can start to feel safe again.”

Healing after infidelity is messy. There will be uncertainty. There will be setbacks. But you’re not wrong to want honesty. And you’re not wrong to need it.

You’re just a woman doing her best to put the pieces of her life back together. Never stop trying to move forward. You deserve nothing less. If you’d like to read about how I navigated life after my husband’s affair and eventually healed, check out https://surviving-the-affair.com

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By: Katie Lersch: It’s one of the most painful, lingering wounds after infidelity — the feeling that you just weren’t “enough.”

Maybe you’ve seen her. Maybe you haven’t. But you imagine her anyway. Prettier. Thinner. Younger. More exciting. More confident. More Adventurous. Less stressed. Less you.

And even if your husband says the affair had nothing to do with you, even if he swears she meant nothing, it still cuts. Because now you’re left wondering:

“Why her and not me? What did she have that I didn’t? And how am I supposed to feel good about myself when I was the one left behind — while she got his attention, his passion, his energy, his time?”

If this sounds familiar, please know this: you’re not alone, and you are completely normal. Almost every woman I’ve talked to who’s experienced infidelity has said some version of the same thing:

“I feel like I don’t measure up anymore.”

Believe me, I felt it too.  But I overcame it, and you can too. Let’s talk about why that happens — and how to slowly, gently start to reclaim your sense of worth.

Affairs Aren’t About Anything Special That She Possessed. They’re About Escape: I know it’s tempting to assume that the other woman was “better” — in looks, personality, bedroom skills, or maybe even how she made your husband feel. But here’s what I’ve learned, again and again, from working with women in this position:

Affairs aren’t usually about someone being better. They’re about someone being easier.

Easier to impress. Easier to connect with when there’s no history, no responsibilities, no bills, no kids, no tension. Affairs live in a fantasy bubble. They are often about avoidance, ego, or distraction, not about deep compatibility. Not about the work it takes to have a real relationship.

So if you’re imagining that she’s better than you, or that you’ve somehow been “replaced,” you’re giving the affair far too much credit. You’re giving her more credit than she will ever deserve.

Your husband didn’t cheat because you weren’t enough. He cheated because he thought HE wasn’t enough.

You Can’t Compete With an Illusion — And You Shouldn’t Try: The version of the other woman you’ve built in your head is probably perfect. Untouchable. Everything you’re not.

But that version? It’s just a projection. It’s just a fantasy. It’s only your imagination or your worst-case scenario personified.

Even if she were younger. Even if she wore the kind of clothes you don’t. Even if she said all the right things when he was vulnerable. You are only seeing the highlight reel — and comparing it to your behind-the-scenes – before you’ve hit the make up chair.

What she offered him was the thrill of being someone else. What you offered him was real life, real commitment, real love, real history. And the truth is, most affairs fall apart when they’re forced into reality. An affair can’t live in fantasy forever. Which is why most are doomed to fail.

You were never meant to compete with someone who only saw one carefully controlled side of him, and who only showed one carefully controlled side of herself. Let’s face it. They didn’t really, deeply know one another. And this will come to roost eventually.

Rebuilding Your Confidence Won’t Happen Overnight. But It Can Happen, And You Should Accept Nothing Less.  You don’t have to wake up tomorrow feeling beautiful, confident, and sure of your worth. Most women don’t — not right away. But you can start with small shifts: You can speak to and view yourself kindly, like you would a friend, reminding yourself that his behavior says nothing about you and your attributes, doing one kind thing for yourself each day that brings you back to yourself, makes you feel better, or improves you in some way.

And if your husband is trying to earn back your trust, he needs to understand that part of that process is helping you feel safe and valued again, not just asking you to “move on” or “stop bringing her up.”

He may not get it at first. He may not realize how deeply the comparison wound runs. But if he’s truly sorry — if he truly wants to repair the damage — he’ll listen. He’ll validate your pain. And he’ll be patient as you slowly rebuild the parts of yourself that his betrayal shook. And he’ll tell you how beautiful and desirable you are. And he will mean it.

You Don’t Have to Be the Most Beautiful Woman in the Room to Be Irreplaceable: You might not be able to compete with the other woman in the way your mind tells you. But guess what? You don’t need to when the fantasy world ends. You are the woman who stood by him when things were hard. You are the woman who knew his history, his weaknesses, his fears — and loved him anyway. You are the woman who built a life with him — not a fantasy, but something real. That kind of woman is rare. That kind of woman is irreplaceable.

And no affair — no matter how seductive or exciting it might have seemed in the moment — can erase that.

You Are Not Less Because of What He Did. But You Might Be The One To Build Yourself Up, At Least At First: Maybe right now you feel shattered. Maybe you don’t recognize yourself when you look in the mirror. Maybe you flinch when you hear another woman laugh or walk past an image that reminds you of her. But I want you to hear this: his affair did not make you less.

You are still worthy. Still enough. Still lovable. Your worth didn’t walk out the door when he did. And slowly, painfully, but surely — you can come back to yourself. Give yourself permission to do whatever you need to do to restore your confidence and to make you feel good, powerful, unstoppable. Yes, that takes some work. But boy, does it pay dividends. I know because I did it. And I don’t think I would have stayed in my marriage if I hadn’t. You can read my story at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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