He Had An Affair But He Won’t Do The Work To Save Our Marriage

By: Katie Lersch: Believe it or not, very few of the wives that I hear from want to give up on their marriages. Most of them are very hurt, confused, and injured over their husband’s affair, but they still want to find a way to save their marriage. Many of them tell me that although their husband claims to be sorry and remorseful, he’s often not willing to do the work necessary to save the marriage. He’s often not willing to have difficult discussions, to go to counseling, or to do the rebuilding necessary to make the marriage work again.

I often hear comments like “he says he’s sorry for having an affair and he still loves me and wants to work things out. But, when I try to get him to go to counseling or to actually work on our marriage, he always has excuses or tells me that I’m just wanting to dwell on things when I should be letting them go. But I feel like I’m entitled to want him to work on the marriage with me since his affair is what brought us here. It’s almost as if he thinks I’m doing this to punish him, but I’m not. I just want a healthy marriage again but I don’t think we can do it on our own.”

I understand all of these concerns far too well. In the following article, I will discuss some tips and strategies on how to effectively handle it when your husband claims he wants to save the marriage after his affair but just doesn’t seem willing to do the work.

Some Reasons Why Men Aren’t Willing To Do The Work After Their Affair: Sometimes, wives assume that their husbands don’t care enough or aren’t sorry enough to stand in there and do the work necessary to undo what he created. I suppose that sometimes, this turns out to be true, but it can be risky to make this assumption.

Many times, men don’t want to go into counseling or have difficult discussions because they don’t want to prolong their dwelling on their affair, their mistake, and their behavior. They figure that their best-case scenario is to push you to move on as soon as possible so that everything will return to normal. What they don’t understand is that you aren’t able to turn your feelings and your doubts off and on like a light switch. And, if you don’t do the work, you won’t have the confidence to trust and have faith again.

And, many men who horribly frightened of counseling. They are afraid that the counseling is going to paint them as an awful person or tell them that the husband is to blame for everything. I’ve even had husbands tell me that they were afraid the counselor was going to tell the wife that she should just leave or divorce him. Now, I do have to say I don’t find that counseling is always the solution to every problem. Many couples work things out without a counselor because neither feels comfortable in that environment. But I also feel that if one spouse wants or needs it, the other should be open to it.

Finally, men often tell me that they feel that doing all of this “work” is really just dwelling on the affair and continuing to draw attention to all of the negative feelings and all of the wounds. They figure the sooner you move on, the sooner you will heal but they don’t understand it’s very difficult to heal without a new foundation being built.

How To Convince Your Husband To Work With You To Save The Marriage After His Affair: Now that I’ve gone over why he might be dragging his feet on doing the work, we’ll talk about convincing him to overcome his objections and get to work. It’s important that he understands that although your goal isn’t to punish him, you need these things to happen to help you heal. And, until that happens, you’re not going to be able to put this behind you.

But, if he works with you as you’ve asked, that is going to go a long way toward showing you his sincerity and his willingness to strengthen the marriage which will ultimately make the BOTH of you stronger and happier in the end. Another thing that sometimes works is to ask your husband to just try a certain technique. In other words, ask him to try one counselor or technique once and then listen to his feedback on which he likes better. It’s all about compromise because if you can get him comfortable and enthusiastic, this benefits both of you. And often, when he sees his fears weren’t warranted, he is more willing to roll up his sleeves and get to work.

After my husband’s affair, I thought there was no way back. I thought things would never feel the same. I was wrong. It took a lot of determined work, but we found our way back. And I feel stronger than ever.  You can read about that process on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com

 

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He Cheated But Swears He Still Loves Me – What Now?

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives or girlfriends who are struggling to process the cheating of the man that they loved. Many have no idea where they want to go from here. Believe it or not, most will freely admit that they still love him and wish that they could save the relationship, but they aren’t sure if they can overcome the anger, pain, and doubt.

It can be frustrating to not be sure how you feel when the man you love cheats on you, but it’s even more frustrating when you don’t have a firm handle on how he feels about you. Usually, his words are telling you one thing, but his actions are telling you something else. I often hear comments like: “He swears he still loves me and will never cheat on me again. He says this was the biggest mistake of his life and that he’ll make it up to me. But, I don’t know if I believe him or what to do. I don’t understand how you can love someone and cheat on them at the same time. I know that I don’t want to walk away from the relationship, but I don’t know how to save it either.”

I understand the intensity of these feelings. I’ve experienced them. And, these questions and doubts can destroy your relationship if you let them or aren’t able to work through them. In the following article, I’ll go over some things that you may want to consider when he’s swearing that he loves you even though he cheated on you.

Is This The First Time?: This is a large consideration and not just because of moral reasons. Statistics show that with each infidelity, the chances of saving the relationship lessen. Simply put, it’s easier to save a relationship after only one infidelity instead of three. Each time a person cheats on you, your faith in them takes another hit. Your trust is chipped away yet again.

If this is the first time he’s cheated, rehabilitation and restoring the trust is much easier. That’s not to say that relationships affected by repeated cheating can’t be saved. They can and they are. But in order for the relationship to be a healthy and faithful one, you’ll need to figure out why the cheating partner keeps repeating the same patterns. Clearly, rehabilitation has not yet happened and until it does, you’ll likely remain on shaky ground. If you’re dealing with repeated cheating, your job is harder, but it’s not hopeless or impossible if you’re determined enough and get the right kind of help.

Love Is Not Always Enough. Does He Have A Plan To Help You Rebuild After His Cheating?: I actually do believe that it’s possible to cheat on someone you love. There are many reasons that I believe this. Not only does my research indicate it’s possible, but I’ve heard from too many unfaithful people who are desperately sorry on my blog to doubt this. The thing is, the fact the love is still there is wonderful and is half the battle. But it alone is often not enough.

You can love your spouse endlessly, but if you don’t take any concrete action to rebuild, then you’re allowing yourself to remain vulnerable and you’ll likely see that these loose ends will leave your relationship in a place where it’s less than it could be. It’s often love combined with repeated loving action that makes the true difference between the relationship that survives cheating and the one that doesn’t.

Ultimately, It Usually Comes Down To The Cheating Person’s Actions Rather Than Their Words: Probably the biggest issue that you have to overcome right now is the issue of trust. The person who was cheated on is very likely in so much pain that their inclination is to become quite defensive since they don’t want to be hurt again. So, they are likely watching the cheating spouse very closely to see if it’s safe to trust and to become invested again.

And, you can’t blame them for not blindly believing that everything is going to be OK just because of claims of love. They’ve already been deceived once. Why should they place their belief in the person who has failed them? That’s why it’s the actions that are going to determine the outcome. Talking can be composed of just empty words. If the cheating person truly wants to save this relationship, they will often have much better results if they show (rather than tell) their partner that they’re trustworthy, rehabilitated, and accountable.

As someone who has been cheated on in the past, I can tell you what the faithful person is looking for. They are likely looking for the cheater to take responsibility for their actions and to be accountable. They want to know that not only do you still love them, but you’re going to use that love as the catalyst to do whatever is needed to make this right again. And, they want the reassurance that they are still attractive and desirable, even though you took this deplorable action. Finally, they want for you to show them that it’s safe to trust you again and they want for you to have patience as they attempt to navigate this.

There’s no shame in getting help with this if you need it. Seeking help is just one more way to show (rather than tell) your partner that you’re sincere about saving the relationship and are willing to do whatever it takes.

I know that working through the aftermath of cheating is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. It took a lot of work and healing, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as a result.  You can read more on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

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Can Hysterical Bonding Save a Marriage After an Affair? If So, How?

By: Katie Lersch: If you are dealing with a spouse who cheated on you, I don’t need to tell you that infidelity can be one of the most devastating experiences you will ever feel in your life – you already know. You wake up in the morning feeling pain, anger, and confusion – and you go to bed feeling the same way. Until something changes.  And then you might doubt the sincerity of it.

Sometimes, a phenomenon called “hysterical bonding” rears its head after an affair. And it can feel fantastic because suddenly, you aren’t sleepwalking through your life anymore. Suddenly, you actually FEEL positive, and not negative emotions. But can you trust it? And can these new emotions actually help make things right again?

What Does Hysterical Bonding Look Like?: This term is used to describe intense emotion between the spouses after an affair. Often, it means that you can’t keep your hands off of each other or don’t want to be away from one another. I’ve had people tell me that in this phase, their spouse was almost like a drug.

Of course, most people intuitively know that hysterical bonding is an attempt to feel in control again and to confirm that the two of you can still feel something positive for one another.  It feels like an emotional and sexual connection that you haven’t felt since the early stages of your marriage sometimes. But of course, people wonder if they can trust it.

A wife might say, “My husband’s affair really hit my self-esteem hard. I felt worthless. It did not help that he cheated with a younger, prettier version of me. When I first found out, I would have nothing to do with him. However, last week, he barged into the house and kissed me. Ever since we have been joined at the hip and can’t keep our hands off of each other. This feels good. When he’s with me, I know he can’t be with her. But is this real? Will it fade? I’m not sure what to make of it, but it’s like a fire has been lit.”

The wife is right and that hysterical bonding feels quite intense. And you can feel like hyped-up teenagers – with the intense sexual activity that comes with being young and crazy about each other. Another thing you may notice is that the cheating partner constantly wants to be with you, wants to check in with you, and wants to gain your reassurance.

And suddenly, you may be staying awake in the wee hours of the night and really and truly opening up to each other and sharing your secret hopes and dreams like you used to when you were dating. Surely, this is a good thing? It can be a starting point, but there are things to watch out for.

Where To Be Careful With Hysterical Bonding:  It’s important to note that often, hysterical bonding is born out of fear and a lack of control. It is an attempt to quelch the fear of loss and to feel like you have at least some control once again. This isn’t necessarily a bad or unexpected thing, but it can become overly intense as emotions swing back and forth.

One minute you can’t get enough of him and the next, you remember what he did and you want him out of your sight. Sometimes, the cheating partner can become extremely needy and overbearing as well.

The process can also make you struggle with two beliefs at one time – that he wants you badly now but he certainly didn’t when he was cheating. That can be painful and hard to reconcile.  

Why Hysterical Bonding Itself Isn’t Likely To Save Your Marriage After An Affair: One can look at hysterical bonding like a bandaid. It can provide temporary relief that makes everything feel better. But often, it keeps couples from really talking about (and fixing) the crux of the matter – why he cheated in the first place and what you’re going to do about it now.

If you’re all over each other and constantly in bed, what’s the incentive to do a deep dive into your marriage and the affair? Most importantly, if you don’t do this, you leave yourself open to more infidelity, or continued resentment, in the future.

Additionally, hysterical bonding does nothing to address the long-term trust issues that you are bound to have. And, when the shine starts to wear off a bit, the faithful spouse will of course ask themselves why and may even worry what it all means. Plus the bonding can be a distraction from doing the real work and the true healing.

So How Do You Deal With Hysterical Bonding?: I always feel that whether couples have sex soon or intense intimacy after an affair is up to them. If both parties are game and fully willing, then it is no one’s business.  But it is important not to confuse this type of intimacy with real work and healing.

Use it as a way to feel better and a launching point. But don’t allow it to mean that everything is fine now. You deserve better than that. You deserve true healing and restored trust. That, unfortunately, takes work.

Thankfully, I did realize what I truly deserved after my own husband’s affair and I did not mistake intensity for healing (although it was tempting.) You can read more about how I healed on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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Will My Marriage Ever Recover After the Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: I recently heard from a wife who told me that she was afraid that her marriage (and her life) was never going to recover after her husband’s affair. She said, in part: “It’s been six months now, and in some ways, I feel as though things are even worse than the day I found out he was cheating. I just can’t seem to make any progress, get over this, or move on. I am so angry and bitter and I hate feeling this way. At first, he seemed to be sorry and genuine but now he’s lost his patience with me and all we do is shoot each other dirty looks or nasty remarks. I feel like I’m living in the middle of a nightmare. Is there any way possible that my marriage can recover or is this all I have to look forward to? Because if it is, I think I’m better off cutting my losses now and walking away.”

This correspondence was really heartbreaking. No one deserves to feel as if they are going to wake up each morning to more of the same without any chance for improvement. Dealing with the aftermath of an affair is difficult enough without knowing that you’re not making any real progress. The good news was that there were many things that this couple hadn’t yet tried.

In fact, neither had really taken any action after the affair. The wife found out about it, was understandably furious, and closed herself off. The husband made half-hearted apologies at first but once he saw that his wife was going to remain angry and didn’t even want to listen to him, he too gave up. So at this point what you had were two angry, misunderstood, and frustrated people who were just sort of treading water and waiting for the other one to make the first move. Very clearly, someone needed to do something. I will discuss this more in the following article.

In Order To Recover After An Affair, Most People Need To See Some Real Changes, Adjustments, Concessions, And Improvements: The marriage wasn’t recovering because nothing at all was being done in regard to it. Both people were just sort of walking through their day-to-day life without ever addressing that big marital elephant sitting right in the center of the room (that they were both walking around at this time.)

Admittedly, most of the efforts and concessions lay with the husband since he was the one who set this whole thing into motion. But, he was treading lightly since he had no idea what the wife wanted from him. Someone had to break the ice. Because he was thinking that she didn’t want him to even approach her. But, because he wasn’t even trying to approach her, she thought that he just didn’t care. Neither of these things were true.

In order to stop the standoff, I advised the wife to bring attention to the obvious. Of course, the words that she used were going to depend on her personality, but she needed to express that she did not want to continue to live this way and she needed to tell her husband that she wanted to see some changes and advances being made on his part.

At the end of the day, most couples need the same things in order for the marriage to recover after the affair. They need to be committed to the marriage. They need a working plan. They need to identify those things that contributed to the affair and banish those. They need to work together to restore trust and open communication. With this taken care of, they need to restore the affection and sense of connection. And they will usually need some individual efforts to address doubts, self-esteem, and individual happiness and fulfillment.

Finally, both people need to at least be open to the idea that not only can the marriage recover, it can be better. Even if you have your doubts about this, it helps to take a “wait and see” attitude and at least entertain the fact that it might happen so that you don’t give up prematurely.

Many Marriages Recover After An Affair. Why Can’t Yours Be One Of Them?: I can’t tell you how many wives tell me that, deep down, they just don’t think that their marriage will recover. When I ask them why, they say that they just “can’t” get over it. Here’s the truth. Many of us who are now sitting in our recovered marriages thought the exact same thing. You don’t have to believe with all your heart that you’re going to be just fine (especially in the beginning.) But, you do have to commit to seeing things through until you can make a more educated decision.

Because in the early stages of recovery, things are still very fresh and confusing. You may well feel incredibly differently next week or next month. And sometimes, the best thing that you can do is to just not place so much pressure on yourself and commit to only seeing what you can do to take baby steps toward where you want to go. It’s unrealistic to think that your entire marriage will be fully recovered in a short period. It’s a process. It’s not always linear.

Sometimes, you just have to keep moving forward, evaluating what you want and need, and then asking for it. So many times, I see marriages fall apart even when both people secretly want to make it work. The vast majority of the time, this is due to a combination of fear and misunderstandings. The faithful spouse often thinks the cheating spouse isn’t really sorry while the cheating spouse thinks they’ll never be able to make things right. So both people remain frustrated and just sort of watch helplessly rather than taking any action.

Action is usually always better than misunderstandings. Even if the action is awkward or difficult, it’s still better than resentment based on incorrect assumptions. If your marriage hasn’t yet recovered, know that many do. And consider committing to just trying to do something every single day to move yourself forward even if that only means speaking up and being honest about what you really want and feel. These things are better than just giving up. And if they don’t work, at least you will know you tried rather than just witnessing this decline without trying to stop it.

Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is strong today, even after my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self-esteem is intact and I’m no longer fixated that he will cheat again. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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How Do You Forgive A Spouse Who Won’t Confess To Cheating Or Having An Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: Sometimes, I hear from a spouse who is fully aware that their spouse is cheating and having an affair. They feel that they have sufficient proof to know the whole truth. In their hearts, they know that he is cheating and they are more than ready to deal with that. At this point, they just want to begin to move on. However, they aren’t sure how they are going to do this when their spouse continues to deny that anything has happened. This can be infuriating, especially when you feel that you’re working really hard to make some concessions and he won’t even give enough to admit what you already know is true.

In this situation, you might hear a comment like: “I know that my husband has been cheating with a coworker. There is no doubt in my mind. I don’t even question this a little. In fact, I have talked with the other woman on the phone and she has confirmed everything. She has told me when it started and what exactly has happened. She told me that she was going to break things off because now that she sees me as a real person with real pain, she can’t just continue on with the lying and the deception anymore. There is a relief to know that. And it makes me feel that if I don’t have to worry about the affair still going on, I can begin to place my focus on healing, forgiving, and moving forward. The problem is that my husband refuses to confess. I have confronted him with details about my conversation with the other woman and he insists that she is just a woman who is obsessed with him, but he says that he doesn’t feel the same way about her. He doesn’t have any explanation about the texts that I have seen between them other than to say that they sometimes flirt with one another, but that is as far as it goes. I don’t believe this. It’s awful to say but I believe the other woman over my husband. I know him very well and I can tell when he is lying. I know that he is lying now. The irony of this whole thing is that if he would just confess, I think that I could forgive him and move on. But it doesn’t appear that he plans to tell the truth. How can I forgive him if he won’t confess?”

This is a tough question. I am only speaking from my own experience, from which I formed the opinion that I am about to share. But I am not sure if I could forgive him if he was continuing to lie to me. I firmly believe from my own life that forgiveness is more for the person doing the forgiving then for the person being forgiven. You do it because you don’t want to carry the anger on your shoulders any longer. You want to release yourself from that fear, anger and negativity.

With that said, I think that for the most part, it is easier to forgive if you see that the person is making a real effort and is genuinely remorseful. If he is continuing to lie and is looking you right in the eye and denying what you already know to be the truth, then I would think that there is still more work to do before you are at that place where you can very honestly forgive.

Attempting To Get To The Truth. Why He’s Lying In The First Place: I believe that most often, people lie about the affair for a couple of reasons. The first is that they do not want to face the consequences for their actions. And the second is that they do not want to hurt you. It can help to show them that these two things are going to happen anyway, whether they make the admission or not.

A suggested way to start this conversation might be: “I know that you insist that there was no affair. But, you are asking me to ignore the facts and the evidence right in front of me and instead listen to someone who has already admitted to inappropriate behavior and secrecy. This just doesn’t make sense. You are asking me to turn away from common sense and the proof that is right in front of me. I suspect that you don’t want to hurt me and you don’t want to put our marriage in jeopardy, but I can tell you that both of these things have already happened. You need to understand that the worst case scenario is already here. And, if you want to begin to make this better, then you need to just tell me the truth so that we can begin to move on. We can’t do this if you continue to keep the truth from me. What you don’t understand is that I already know. Your putting my knowledge into words isn’t going to make it worse than it already is. But what is going to make it worse is for you to continue to try to deceive me. I’m going to have much more respect for you if you stand up and take responsibility for your actions. I can and will go out and get further proof. But that is a waste of our precious time. It only delays us getting to work. I’m asking you once again to have enough respect and commitment to me to tell me the truth.”

I can’t promise that he will suddenly come clean, but at least you have communicated with him that he’s really not gaining anything by lying to you. Once he sees that it’s really not helping his cause to continue to lie, he will hopefully just show some integrity and own up to what he has done.  Because when he does that, forgiveness will be much easier.  Perhaps I am petty and spiteful but I couldn’t forgive my own husband until I believed in his remorse.  However, I will say that forgiveness was freeing and helpful. If it helps, you can read about my own forgiveness on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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My Spouse Is Still Bringing Up My Affair Ten Years Later

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who feel as if they will never be truly free from an affair that is in the past.  Often, they have tried everything that they know to do to make sure that their spouse can heal and move on.  But it doesn’t happen, even many years later.

I heard from a wife who said: “The affair that I had when we were first married was all my fault.  I was and still am extremely remorseful for this and I have apologized repeatedly.  I have begged my husband to go to counseling so that we can heal properly but he has always refused.  Like many men, the idea of counseling is just not a pleasurable one for him.  I understand why he doesn’t want to go, but I think it would have helped us because my husband has really never gotten over the affair even though it was ten years ago.  Whenever we get into an argument, he will still throw the infidelity in my face.  If he makes a mistake and I bring it up, he will say something like: ‘at least I’m not a cheater. I may make mistakes, but I’ve never made that one. I have always been faithful to you. Can you say the same?’  I really can’t argue with him when he makes hurtful statements like this.  Because in a sense, he is right.  But shouldn’t we have moved on after ten years?  I love my husband.  I want to help him get over this.  But at the same time, having to constantly relive the affair after so many years just feels so wrong to me.  Am I out of line?”

I have to admit that as a spouse who was cheated on, I often see things from the side of the faithful spouse.  And I often defend a slow recovery because I believe that everyone heals at their own pace and that the faithful spouse should never feel rushed or judged. However, with that said, ten years is a very long time.

Remaining Stuck For Years After An Affair Is Hurtful For Both Spouses:  A decade is a lot of time to continue to be in pain and to remain in turmoil.  The fact that this husband was still bringing this up ten years after the fact was troubling for both spouses on many levels.

The fact that the wife was still trying to help her husband heal and still allowing the hurtful comments because she felt she deserved them showed her commitment to her husband and to her marriage.  Frankly, it may have been easier for her to just give up or declare her husband or her marriage a lost cause, to say she did her best, and then to leave.  But she didn’t do that, even though staying was sometimes very difficult for her.  She stayed even when she knew the comments were still going to come on a regular basis because she loved her husband. But, continuing to relive this every time conflict surfaced wasn’t fair to either of them.  It kept both of them stuck.  And it meant that their marriage wasn’t as strong as it could or should be.

At the same time, I suspected that the faithful spouse didn’t particularly enjoy keeping the pain alive.  I will admit that in the early days after the affair, I used to make nasty and hurtful comments to my husband.  But now that we have healed, I certainly no longer do this and I can’t imagine still engaging or bringing up the affair ten years after the fact.

Find Out If There Are Outstanding Issues That Can Still Be Healed: I believe that there a couple of ways that you can look at this.  You can ask yourself if it’s possible that you (or your spouse) didn’t completely heal after the affair.  I am not going to tell you that counseling is absolutely necessary in order to heal, because I do not believe that it is in every case.  (But I do believe that a lot of work needs to be done regardless of whether the work is done in counseling or at home.)  And if it isn’t, then you often find yourself dealing with the same old issues over and over again.  And even ten years after the fact is possible.

The other possibility is that the faithful spouse has some reason that they don’t want to move on.  Perhaps they are still angry and they like having something to hold over the cheating spouse’s head.  Perhaps they want the cheating spouse to know that the betrayal will never be forgotten. If this is the case, it can help to make it clear that living this way isn’t benefitting either of you.

A suggested script might be something like: “I know that the affair was all my fault and I still feel remorse.  However, that was ten years ago.  It’s not healthy for either of us to continue to live in the past.  If there is still something that is bothering you or if you need something from me in order to heal, let’s discuss what it is so that we can fix it.  Because neither of us deserves to relieve this pain.  I am still here ten years later.  I wouldn’t still be here if I didn’t want to be or if I didn’t love you or wasn’t committed to our marriage.  Please let me know what more you need from me so that we can move on for good.  Living in the shadow of the past is holding our marriage back from being as good as it can be.  I want for us to be happy.  Help me achieve that.”

After this conversation, hopefully, it will become more clear as to where your spouse stands and what your spouse still needs.  I don’t want to judge anyone’s healing process, but even I think that ten years is far too long to keep holding onto this.  It’s not healthy for either spouse and it keeps your marriage from ever really recovering.

I admit that I do understand holding onto the affair in the short term.  This happens when healing isn’t complete and it’s completely normal.  But years is an excessive amount of time in my opinion.  And it makes sense to place your focus on complete healing so that you can move on for good.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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When Your Spouse Won’t Forgive Your Infidelity

By: Katie Lersch:   I often hear from the spouse who was cheated on.  Occasionally though, I sometimes get messages from the spouse who cheated.  Perhaps my perspective is skewed because I was one of the spouse’s who was cheated on, but it’s usually pretty obvious which people are sincere and which aren’t.  Some ask for advice on how to “get” or “make” their spouse forgive their infidelity.  It is pretty obvious that their main concern is themselves.  They are more worried about forgiveness than they are worried about their spouse’s healing and well being.

But, sometimes it’s clear that the person reaching out really does care about what is best for BOTH people.  They are truly sorry and want to make things right again.  Their concern reaches outside of themselves.  I recently heard from a wife who had cheated on her husband over the course of only one night.  She was full of remorse and just sick over what her one action had done to her marriage.   She was desperate to make her husband understand how sorry she was.  She said, in part:  “I am so sorry for cheating on my husband.  I will regret that for the rest of my life.  But the real tragedy would be if I lose my marriage over this.  I might lose my husband and my children might lose their father because of my mistake.  The weird thing is, my husband doesn’t even seem angry anymore.  But he is finished.  He says that infidelity is something that he will never be able to forgive and, although he loves me as a person, he can no longer love me as his wife because of what I did.  I feel like if I could just make him believe that I will never do this again, we could get past this.  We had a very happy marriage and a wonderful family and I’ve gone and ruined it.   Is there any way that I can get him to forgive me so that we can move on?”

The wife’s sincerity was very apparent to me.  It is very upsetting when one mistake (made by someone who is truly sorry and would never repeat the same error) means that a marriage comes toppling down.  I will share with you some of the insights I gave the wife in the following article.

Sometimes, You Have To Accept That Forgiveness Might Take A Good While And It’s Better If You Don’t Push For It: Many people who were unfaithful equate their spouse’s forgiveness with that same spouse’s love and commitment to them.  I’ve had many people admit that they feel that if their spouse can’t forgive them, then this must also mean that their spouse doesn’t love them enough.  This often just isn’t the case.  Their being unable or unwilling to forgive is simply that.  You really shouldn’t try to draw your own conclusions.

And, healing and forgiveness can take time.  Much of the time, they simply want to wait and watch.  They want to see how long you will continue to offer your reassurance and apologies.  They want to see if you continue to be trustworthy and if you love them enough to hang in there even when it isn’t easy for you.  I will admit that many of us who were cheated on put our spouses through sort of a test (even though many of us don’t realize it when we are doing this.)  We want to see if our spouse will stay with us no matter how much we push them away.  We may not do this consciously, but we figure that if they stay put even when we don’t make it easy to do so, then they must truly love us, in spite of their cheating.

The thing is, you likely don’t know which of these factors are at play.   You have given your spouse quite a lot to handle and they are probably doing the very best that they can.  Pushing them to forgive you before they are able to do so only impedes their progress and places the focus on you rather than on them.  You are usually much better off backing off of that topic and continuing to offer your support and reassurance.

Know That Forgiveness For Infidelity Isn’t Required To Move Past It: Countless people tell me that they feel that if their spouse can’t forgive their infidelity, then their marriage must be doomed.  Again, this isn’t always the case.  Some spouses remain married while the betrayed spouse still remains on the fence about forgiveness.  Again, forgiveness is nice.  But it’s certainly not a requirement.  Your spouse can and often will take a “wait and see” attitude and you can still make quite a bit of progress.

It believe that it’s a real tragedy when people give up on their marriages just because one of them is struggling with forgiveness.  I think the better course of action is just to agree to take that issue off of the table for a little while.  After all, you often have other  things on which you can focus on worry about.  And sometimes, if you place your focus on supporting, understanding, and reassuring your spouse rather than on pressuring them, you will eventually get the result that you want because they can see that you have their best interest (rather than yours) at heart.

Think Twice Before You Give Up On Your Spouse When They Are Struggling With Forgiveness.  Patience And Support Are Better Options: My best advice to the wife mentioned above was just to continue to hang in there and support her husband.   Frankly, I thought that she should stop pushing for forgiveness and focus instead on healing.  As someone who has been cheated on myself, I can tell you that being pressured to forgive gets very old.  It makes you feel ever more negatively toward your spouse.  And, you can feel more angry (and less forgiving) because of the pressure.

I suggested that the next time the topic came up, she might say something like “I understand that you can’t forgive my infidelity right now.  You have every right to be reluctant when it comes to me.  I know that I have a lot of work to do to show you that you can trust me again.  And I will do whatever it takes to support you.  I’m not going to pressure you any more. Instead, I’m going to try to give you whatever you need to heal, even if that doesn’t include me.  I just want you to be happy again and I want you to know that I do love you and that you your well being are the most important things to me right now.  If there’s anything that I can do to facilitate this,  just say the word.  If you need some time, I’ll give you that too.”

Sometimes, you just have to wait.  Once your spouse sees that you are sincere and concerned with them rather than yourself, you will often see some changes, even if you don’t always see forgiveness immediately.  The idea is to move forward, to heal, and to restore the closeness without worrying about all of the definitions and the pressure.

I don’t think my husband ever said any magic words that made me forgive his infidelity.  But he did hang in there no matter what.  This eventually convinced me that it was safe to move on.   Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at Http://surviving-the-affair.com

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What Are The Chances Or Odds My Husband Will Marry The Other Woman Or Mistress

One of the common concerns that I hear from wives whose husbands have had an affair is whether he will end up having a long term relationship with (or even end up marrying) the woman with whom he was cheating. Often, the husband seems to be quite infatuated with the other woman and the wife wants to know if this is just a passing phase or if this relationship is going to one that actually lasts.

I often hear comments like “my husband has been having an affair for the past few months. He isn’t sure if he wants to save our marriage or if he wants to stay with the other woman. She seems to have some sort of power over him and he doesn’t seem willing to give her up right now. Is there any chance that he will be with this woman for the long term or that he would actually marry her? Is there any chance my kids might one day call this woman their step mother? Because the thought of this just turns my stomach.”

I have a definite opinion on this, but I wanted to see if I could find any statistics or studies to support my opinion. I was able to find one study which indicated marriage rates after an affair and another which showed divorce rates (of those people who did end up marrying the person they cheated with).

Statistics On How Many Relationships That Start Out As An Affair End In Marriage: I was able to find one study that looked at this specific issue. The researchers followed married businessmen who had affairs. Of those men who were followed, only 3 percent ended up marrying the woman with whom they had an affair later. That’s a pretty low number and it didn’t really surprise me because, from my observations on my blog, the number of affairs that end up being very long term are relatively low.

I found another study where a psychiatrist looked at the divorce rate for men who did end up marrying the other woman. Only 25 percent of those couples stayed together after the marriage. 75 percent ended up eventually getting a divorce. The reasons suggested for this high divorce rate included distrust of the other person, a general distrust of marriage in general, guilt, and disappointment with the reality of the relationship when compared with the previous fantasy of the relationship.

My Take On These Statistics: Why I Think Many Relationships That Start As Affairs Are Usually Destined To Fail: These figures don’t surprise me all that much. I know that many husbands feel as if they’ve found the perfect person for them when they have an affair. And we’re sometimes bombarded with media images of celebrities who meet on movie sets and have instant chemistry and think they’ve fallen in love and can’t be without one another – whether both are married or not. There can be a romantic or fantasy notion about affairs that are hard to overcome.

But in reality and in every day life, these relationships have a lot stacked against them. They are based on deceit, fantasy, and quite often, guilt. And once these two get married, they often find out that the reality isn’t quite as alluring as the fantasy was.

There often is quite a lot of suspicion and unease also. After all, if you cheated with your spouse when they were married, what is to keep them from cheating on you during your marriage also? Sure, every one wants to think that they are “special” or “different” but as time passes, doubts will often set in.

And although many wives don’t believe this, the other woman or the mistress can be very insecure about the husband’s first wife or previous family. Many wives don’t believe that she can sometimes feel doubt or wonder if she too will become second best, but it is true.

That’s not to say that no relationships that start as affairs make it or become lasting. Obviously, a few do. But often no one knows this in the beginning and people often make up their minds and see the truth only over time. That’s why I don’t advocate making assumptions or acting on fear.

How To Handle It If You’re Obsessing Over Or Worrying About Your Husband Marrying The Other Woman: I know that this is an extremely difficult situation. It’s very hard to watch your husband act so silly about someone else – especially when you know that he’s seeing someone who doesn’t even really exist in reality.

And I know that you probably sometimes want to point this out to him, lash out, or become so angry that you throw up your hands. But once you do something that you regret, you can’t take it back. If you are really sure that you still want your husband and want to save your marriage (and there is nothing wrong with taking your time to determine this,) then you are often in a better position if you just allow this relationship to run its course.

As you can see from the statistics, the odds are not good for your husband and the other woman. So often, you really don’t need to do anything but wait and conduct yourself in a way that you can be proud of. It’s a good idea to focus on your own healing in the meantime. That way, when your husband realizes that he was wrong and incredibly silly, you will be stronger, healthier, and better able to make important decisions.

Does this mean that you let him have a relationship with both you and the other woman? I can’t answer that for you. I do think that it puts you in a better position when you don’t allow yourself to be in the middle of a love triangle. My take on this is to suggest that he take the time he obviously needs and you’ll be working on yourself in the meantime.

Because once your husband eventually comes to his senses, you will want to be in best strategic position as is possible. And right now, in my opinion, it’s better to think in the long term. Because frankly, statistically speaking, your being with your husband for the long term is more likely than him being with the other woman, although it may not appear that way right now.

Surviving The Affair is a blog I put together to share my story in the hopes that it helps someone else. I know that this is a very difficult time, and that forgiveness can be elusive, but working through it can truly be worth the effort. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, better times were ahead. My marriage eventually recovered and is stronger than ever. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem remained in tact. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read more at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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Do Men Really Love The Mistress Or The Other Woman? Or Are They Just Infatuated?

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are so hurt because their husband thinks that he is in love with the other woman or the mistress. And the wife sometimes has to begrudgingly admit that she can’t help but notice a change in her husband. He seems more carefree or optimistic. His outlook seems to have changed. He says he hasn’t felt this good or this young in years.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband has announced that he’s in love with the other woman from his work and he’s telling me that there’s nothing that I can do or say because he can’t help the way that he feels. Suddenly, he’s being affectionate to our children and kind to his mother. I feel like I don’t have any recourse or any way to fight back. My friends say that men just think they love the mistress because the sex is good and suddenly he has a little excitement in his life. Are my friends right? Are men just infatuated with the other woman? Or can it really be love?”

I have a definite opinion on this, but it’s probably not a very objective one. I have been the spouse who was cheated on, although my husband was under no delusions that he was in love. And I hear from a lot of people in this situation. As the result, it is my opinion that very often, men are infatuated rather than truly in love. I will tell you some of the reasons behind my opinion below.

In Order To Feel Real Love, You Need To Truly Know And Value The Other Person As They Really Are: I would argue that if you were to ask one of these men who were supposedly “in love” with their mistress what it was that he loved about her, you’d get some pretty predictable responses. Men will often point out her particular physical attributes (“she’s young and hot”) or they will describe the way that she makes him feel. Examples of this are things like “she understands me” or “she makes me feel alive.”

Rarely will you hear him say that she is an honorable person with a kind heart or that he admires her strength and courage. And there’s a very good reason for this. He often doesn’t know her well enough to even know about these attributes.  He only knows her on the surface. And their interactions are only based on having as much fun together in the shortest amount of stolen time. So it’s unrealistic to think that they are going to develop a real or meaningful relationship.

It’s Easy For Him To Be Infatuated With The Person That He Wants Or Needs Her To Be: Men often see a very distorted version of the other woman. In fact, he will often mold her until she is who he needs her to be in his own mind.  See, he has to make her into someone who is really special because otherwise, it wouldn’t make sense for him to risk his marriage or to act this dishonorably. So he will build her up and he will project onto her the things that he wants her to be.

If he’s been feeling insecure about himself, then she is suddenly the one who gives him confidence. If he’s been feeling misunderstood or taken for granted, then suddenly she’s the one who really appreciates or gets him. If his wife doesn’t pay attention to what’s important to him, then suddenly the other woman is the most observant and attentive woman in the world. But here’s the thing. Although all of these thoughts and distortions feel great in the beginning, they often are not sustainable. The longer that the relationships lasts, the more likely it is that eventually reality is going to set in. One day, he’s going to see her in her curlers or without make up. Or one day, she will snap at him or make demands that show her true colors or the true nature of the relationship.

Reality Is Not As Exciting As Fantasy: The truth is that no one person and no one relationship is perfect. No one is going to complete your life except for you. And men will often think that adding another woman or a new relationship to their life is suddenly going to make them happy when they haven’t changed one thing in their life or their behaviors. Real love that is rooted in reality comes with knowing all the facts about the other person, including their attributes and their flaws, and loving them anyway. Real love comes from hanging in there when the other person needs you even when things aren’t perfect or easy.

“Love” that is build on deception and that happening while deceiving your partner isn’t real. It’s fantasy. It feels fun and exciting at the time, but often guilt and reality come calling. It’s very hard to feel good about the relationship deep in your heart where it counts. Because you know that you’ve lied and you’ve cheated the one that you’ve promised to love the most. And in the quiet corners of your mind (when you’re not with that other person and experiencing the high of the new relationship,) that starts to eat at you.

So to answer the question posed, I do believe that many men are infatuated with the other woman because they’ve built her up to be who they need her to be at the time. Of course, men sometimes tell me that their mistress is now their wife and that they’re blissfully happy with their new soul mate, but I believe that this is the exception rather than the rule.

Now, I fully admit that I am not the most objective person.  But I just don’t believe that true love can come out of deceit and fantasy.  I also believe that many men eventually come to their senses and return to reality.  Luckily, my husband knew that his relationship with the other woman wasn’t real, but we had other challenges in our recovery.  Thankfully, we were able to overcome them.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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He Wants To Just Put His Affair Behind Us, But I’m Not Sure If I Can – Tips That Might Help

By: Katie Lersch: I recently heard from a wife who was struggling to move past her husband’s affair. He’d had an affair with a neighbor which had ended about eight months ago. Although the wife was very clear on the fact that she wanted to save her marriage for the benefit of her family, she sometimes struggled to move on. She was making a very conscious effort to keep moving forward, but her husband didn’t think her progress was happening fast enough.

She told me, in part: “My husband keeps saying things like ‘why can’t we just put the affair behind us and move on with our lives? Why do we have to rehash this all of the time? Are we going to live the rest of our lives in the past?'”

The wife said she did want to put the affair behind her, but she was having trouble doing so. She just wanted her husband to have some patience and to work with her rather than pressuring her. In the following article, I’ll offer some tips and insights that might help this situation.

Truly Putting An Affair Behind You Often Requires Time, Rehabilitation, And Healing: The husband in this situation obviously was not seeing things from the wife’s point of view. He just wanted this whole thing to be over because every time it kept coming up, he felt guilty and more attention was drawn to his mistake. (Although to be fair, many husbands in this situation sincerely want their wives to be able to move on from their pain.)

But, whatever the reason for this husband’s lack of patience, he obviously thought it would be in his best interest to gloss over everything and encourage his wife to put this behind her. This doesn’t necessarily mean that her husband was a bad guy. Many husbands feel this way and take this same approach. Sometimes, if you can make them understand that this is hurting rather than helping you, they will back off.

They need to understand that if you’re forced to put this behind you before you’ve been given the tools to do so, you run the risk of the doubt, insecurities, and resentments continuing to rear their ugly heads every time the marriage is under stress. It’s important that your husband understands that by fully addressing the issues and damage that the affair has caused, he makes things easier for both of you in the future.

You really can’t be expected to “just put the affair behind you” if you aren’t given the tools to do so. This is a large and hurtful blow. You’ll often need some help working through this, understanding why this has happened, building yourself back up, and safeguarding your marriage to ensure that it doesn’t happen to you again so that you aren’t always fearful and suspicious. It’s important that your husband understands that seeing that you get these tools is really very much in his best interest.

Rather than pressuring you to move on before you are ready and running the risk that the wounds are still lying in wait and risking your marriage, it’s so much better to buckle down, accept that this is a process, and then commit to working with you so that you both have what you need to move on with confidence and in a healthy and meaningful way.

When You Feel Like You Should Be Able To Put This Behind You, But Just Can’t Seem To Do It: I often hear from wives who say things like “Enough time has gone by after his affair that I should be able to put this behind me and move on, but I just can’t seem to do it. Sometimes, things do seem better and I feel as though I’m on my way to making progress. But out of nowhere, a memory or doubt will come back and suddenly I’m filled with anger and bitterness again. This frustrates me because my husband has kept up his end of the bargain and has been remorseful and patient. Why can’t I keep up mine?”

I often tell these wives that they shouldn’t beat themselves up in this way. They are dealing with this as best as they can and there’s no time frame for moving on. It can be normal to have some setbacks and frustrations. However, I often tell wives that if they truly feel like they should be further along, they may want to take an honest look around to see if their needs are being met and their doubts are being addressed.

Sometimes, the husband not being totally accountable, reassuring, forthcoming, or (without being aware of it or meaning to) is not providing something that the wife needs but is reluctant to ask for it. If this is the case, you’ll often need to finally address this before it will go away.

Another place that I often suggest you look is your self-confidence and self-esteem. It’s totally normal for it to take a hit after an affair. And, if you’re still doubting yourself, your own attractiveness, or your ability to recover, this can sometimes thwart your progress or your ability to move on. If any of these things ring a bell for you, make no apologies for asking for or securing what you need to truly move on and put this behind you. Because no one deserves this to follow them around for any longer than it needs to.

I know from experience that this is a very hard time, but I also learned that healing is possible even when you think it will never happen.  I was able to pick myself up and heal from this and I am still married. You can read that story on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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