Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I recently heard from a wife who was struggling to move past her husband’s affair. He’d had an affair with a neighbor which had ended about eight months ago. Although the wife was very clear on the fact that she wanted to save her marriage for the benefit of her family, she sometimes struggled to move on. She was making a very conscious effort to keep moving forward, but her husband didn’t think her progress was happening fast enough.

She told me, in part: “My husband keeps saying things like ‘why can’t we just put the affair behind us and move on with our lives? Why do we have to rehash this all of the time? Are we going to live the rest of our lives in the past?'”

The wife said she did want to put the affair behind her, but she was having trouble doing so. She just wanted her husband to have some patience and to work with her rather than pressuring her. In the following article, I’ll offer some tips and insights that might help this situation.

Truly Putting An Affair Behind You Often Requires Time, Rehabilitation, And Healing: The husband in this situation obviously was not seeing things from the wife’s point of view. He just wanted this whole thing to be over because every time it kept coming up, he felt guilty and more attention was drawn to his mistake. (Although to be fair, many husbands in this situation sincerely want their wives to be able to move on from their pain.)

But, whatever the reason for this husband’s lack of patience, he obviously thought it would be in his best interest to gloss over everything and encourage his wife to put this behind her. This doesn’t necessarily mean that her husband was a bad guy. Many husbands feel this way and take this same approach. Sometimes, if you can make them understand that this is hurting rather than helping you, they will back off.

They need to understand that if you’re forced to put this behind you before you’ve been given the tools to do so, you run the risk of the doubt, insecurities, and resentments continuing to rear their ugly heads every time the marriage is under stress. It’s important that your husband understands that by fully addressing the issues and damage that the affair has caused, he makes things easier for both of you in the future.

You really can’t be expected to “just put the affair behind you” if you aren’t given the tools to do so. This is a large and hurtful blow. You’ll often need some help working through this, understanding why this has happened, building yourself back up, and safeguarding your marriage to ensure that it doesn’t happen to you again so that you aren’t always fearful and suspicious. It’s important that your husband understands that seeing that you get these tools is really very much in his best interest.

Rather than pressuring you to move on before you are ready and running the risk that the wounds are still lying in wait and risking your marriage, it’s so much better to buckle down, accept that this is a process, and then commit to working with you so that you both have what you need to move on with confidence and in a healthy and meaningful way.

When You Feel Like You Should Be Able To Put This Behind You, But Just Can’t Seem To Do It: I often hear from wives who say things like “Enough time has gone by after his affair that I should be able to put this behind me and move on, but I just can’t seem to do it. Sometimes, things do seem better and I feel as though I’m on my way to making progress. But out of nowhere, a memory or doubt will come back and suddenly I’m filled with anger and bitterness again. This frustrates me because my husband has kept up his end of the bargain and has been remorseful and patient. Why can’t I keep up mine?”

I often tell these wives that they shouldn’t beat themselves up in this way. They are dealing with this as best as they can and there’s no time frame for moving on. It can be normal to have some setbacks and frustrations. However, I often tell wives that if they truly feel like they should be further along, they may want to take an honest look around to see if their needs are being met and their doubts are being addressed.

Sometimes, the husband not being totally accountable, reassuring, forthcoming, or (without being aware of it or meaning to) is not providing something that the wife needs but is reluctant to ask for it. If this is the case, you’ll often need to finally address this before it will go away.

Another place that I often suggest you look is your self-confidence and self-esteem. It’s totally normal for it to take a hit after an affair. And, if you’re still doubting yourself, your own attractiveness, or your ability to recover, this can sometimes thwart your progress or your ability to move on. If any of these things ring a bell for you, make no apologies for asking for or securing what you need to truly move on and put this behind you. Because no one deserves this to follow them around for any longer than it needs to.

by: Katie Lersch: I often hear from both wives who are affected by a husband’s affair as well as the women that they sometimes cheat with. Often, the wives have trouble believing that the husband sincerely wants to come back and save the marriage. They secretly believe that he’s just saying what he needs to say to avoid a costly divorce or to keep from losing his children.

Meanwhile, I’ll sometimes hear from the mistress who will say things like: “I gave him everything that he wanted. I didn’t make demands on him. I did what I could to provide what he said that his wife wouldn’t. Why, then, has he gone back to her? I don’t understand. He told me all sorts of things about his wife and now he’s with her. What did I do wrong?”

I’ll try my best to answer these concerns on both sides (and to share some insights that cheating husbands share with me) in the following article.

How Husbands Really Feel About The Other Woman?: It would be inaccurate and unfair to say that every husband who cheats has similar feelings about the mistress. Every man, and every relationship, is going to be different. Some men tell me that the mistress really doesn’t mean anything to them emotionally, although she does provide an outlet when they are going through personal issues that they perceive as too troubling, shameful, or embarrassing to share with you.

Some men actually think that they love their mistresses, but this often does not last. He will sometimes project things onto her that he later learns don’t really exist. He wants to see her as the temporary answer to his problems or as the thing that will make him feel better or more confident. The problem with this is that ultimately as time goes by, he can’t help but realize that he’s been generous or inaccurate in his perceptions about her. He might even eventually come to realize that there is no one, and no thing, that can help him with his problems other than himself.

Mistresses often write to me quite angry and upset when a husband decides to end things. Many of them really believed what he was telling them. At the time, they are not able to see that if he is deceitful to his wife, the one person who knows him better than anyone else, why then would he suddenly be truthful to a stranger? The reality is that he is often telling the mistress exactly what she wants to hear and what will allow him to carry this out. It’s often not even close to reality, but it’s what they both need to hear to see this through.

Many women who cheat with other women’s husbands intellectually know that the situation they are in is generally not a desirable one, but they get so caught up in it, that they will attempt to think that their situation is “different.” They want to believe the husband. They want to believe that they are special and unique and that they “get him” in a way that other women don’t. And, you really can’t totally blame them for this. We are all guilty of acting in ways that allow us to believe that we are getting our heart’s desires. It’s just a matter of self-preservation as we see it at the time.

Determining If Your Husband Really Wants To Come Back To You Or If He’s Just Trying To Avoid The Undesirable Fall Out Of Being Caught Cheating: Many wives tell me that they don’t begin to believe that their husband is sincere in wanting to save the marriage. They think that he just doesn’t want to lose his family or his money. And, this is sometimes true. But, you often can’t make this call immediately. Right after you find out about the affair, emotions are very high. People sort of grasp at straws and sometimes say or do things that don’t mean. It’s often only after the dust settles and his actions have to back up his words that you get a clear picture of what is really happening.

Sometimes you just have to commit to waiting this out to see if the picture will become more clear. Generally speaking though, over time, men who sincerely want to save their marriages make this evident by staying put, being truthful and honest, doing what needs to be done to begin the healing process, and having the patience and commitment to walk with you as you both deal with this. They will generally take responsibility and take the initiative because they know that this was their fault and their choice.

Now, you may not be able to even stand the sight of them at first. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with removing yourself from the situation until you are calm enough to be receptive without blinding anger. And, we all know that this may well take a while. There is nothing wrong with that. This truly is a process that takes some time.

What Some Men Tell Me About How They Really Feel About Their Wives After An Affair: Granted, there are some men out there who continue to be dishonest after you catch them cheating. No one can deny that. But, I really can not tell you how many correspondences I get from men who ask me what they can do to make this up to their wives. They are actually quite horrified and embarrassed. They often use phrases like “I don’t know what I was thinking,” or “what an old fool I was.” Sure, they are looking for sympathy and advice. I can’t deny this either. But, I can tell you that sometimes, the threat of losing what was important all along is enough to get these men to “wake up” and see what is really important.

I can’t tell you which category your own husband falls into, but often if you reevaluate with time, he will give off some clues and will show you some actions that will help you determine if he really does want to return to you in an honest and rehabilitative way.

by: Katie Lersch: Finding out that your husband cheated is a fate that few would wish on their worst enemy. There are few things more painful, more difficult to overcome, and more likely to shake your world to its core. It’s no wonder then that you would want someone who will listen and be there for you as you navigate through this difficult time. You’ve likely been there to offer a shoulder, or a hand, or an ear. So now that you’re facing the same thing, it’s only natural for you to want the same support.

So why do you hesitate when you pick up the phone or start to tell your story? Because your intuition tells you (and rightly so) that how you feel right now and what the situation is right now may well change over time. You may loathe your husband right now and never want to see him again. But, no matter how hard it is for you to believe this right now, you may not feel the same way three months from now or three years from now. You may not want this news to follow you around like a bad penny everywhere you go. And, that’s why you should be careful who you tell, which I’ll discuss more in the following article.

Define Why You Really Want To Tell Someone About His Cheating: Often, we will call or tell different friends for different purposes. For example, if we are furious with our husband and hate the mere thought of him right now, then we will call a friend who never really cared for him or who always told us that we could do better because this friend is going to tell us what we want to hear (at least at this time.)

If we feel injured, guilty, or even ashamed that we may eventually want to work things out then we’ll call the sympathetic friend who knows what this is like from the experience of the cheated on and who was able to save her relationship – even in the face of infidelity. In short, we are looking for confirmation and the person who is going to be able to give this is going to vary depending on our mood at the time.

Understand That You Can’t Take Back This Information (Use Caution When Telling Family And Couple Friends):  Here’s the truth. You may well go through very different perceptions and decisions during this process. You may want to work things out today and then be filled with rage tomorrow. You may hate him today and then decide that he does have some redeeming qualities and that you don’t want to break up your family next month. In other words, you are understandably going to flip-flop back and forth because you have a lot to process right now and it’s understandably difficult.

So, you may want to hold off on saying things that you may later regret to someone who isn’t your husband. Yes, he deserves whatever reaction that you may have right now because he is the responsible party, but is his parents? His sister? His best friend? These folks are not a party to your marriage and should not be brought into it, in my experience. This is just my opinion, of course.

And, as tempting as it is to seek support from your own family or close couple friends, know that if you do tell them about the affair or the cheating, they are never going to look at your husband in the same way again. This is going to follow him, and therefore you, around forever. Do you really want their judgments, their interest, and questions? Do you really want to revisit this with anyone other than you? And, what if you later change your mind? Do you want to have to backtrack, explain, or deal with issues that crop up in that relationship?

Finding The Perfect Confidant: With all of this said, most people really want someone to listen and to stand beside them as they are going through this. And, most people can usually find such a person. You just have to choose carefully. Of course, a therapist is an obvious choice, but this person will usually have no history with you and therefore can lack the closeness that you may crave. 

I usually feel that the person best suited for this job is someone who is impartial and doesn’t have any stake in the outcome. In other words, the person shouldn’t have a preconceived opinion about your husband that they are going to fall over themselves to share. What you’re looking for is someone who can listen impartially and just be there to support you without offering judgment or even advice. And, if you don’t take their advice or catch their hints (which they shouldn’t be giving anyway,) they won’t become frustrated by this, because they are not wrapped up in the outcome. They just want to support you. T

And, you definitely don’t want someone who went through this same thing but it ended badly. You don’t want someone who’s going to say “All men will cheat and that’s why we don’t need them,” or “Well now the two of us can paint the town red as single women,” or “That’s why you have to keep him happy at home,” etc. You may later decide to go out and have fun with this person, but that decision should be yours without any pressure.

At the end of the day, this experience is yours. Do not allow someone else to sway a decision that is only yours. Because you’re only looking for support — not judgments or to deal with all of the issues of the other person.  

By: Katie Lersch: This is the million-dollar question and one that I get on an almost daily basis. This is often the thing that stands between your being able to move on and eventually being happy and your being stuck and remaining unhappy and in pain. And, most of the time, you really don’t want to see these images of your husband and the other woman. You want to move on, but they keep right on popping back into your head and upsetting you. And you wonder how on earth you will ever be able to move forward since you can’t seem to stop them and don’t seem to have any control over them.

In the following article, I will discuss some ways to begin to gain some control over these thoughts and images so that you can get them out of your head once and for all.

Understand That These Images Are Absolutely Normal, But They Likely Aren’t Accurate: I sometimes dialog with women who say things like “What is wrong with me? Why am I having these thoughts? Why am I punishing myself in this way?” The truth is, there is nothing wrong with you and there’s not anything that you’re doing wrong. This is so common and normal. And, it’s often the direct result of your trying to fill in the holes and gaps of what you don’t understand.

No matter how forthcoming and honest your husband is after the affair, there’s no way for you to actually “be there” in your own mind. You wonder if he is really telling the truth. You want to know exactly how this all happened and why. And, on your worst days, you wonder if he enjoyed himself more than he enjoyed himself with you. And, because you can’t possibly have all of these answers, your brain will embellish. You feel the need to actually see for yourself and this is your mind’s way of giving you what you want.

The problem with this, of course, is that those images that pop up in your head are likely, not accurate. Often, we will see our husbands interact in ways that might not have actually happened. And honestly, these images in our minds are almost always those that are going to be the most hurtful to us. They are the ones where our husbands are looking at her in the same way that they used to look at us. They are the ones where she’s doing the things that we may not have done.

In short, these are the things that we most fear all in beautiful technicolor and surround sound in our minds. When this used to happen to me, I used to think “Well, grab some popcorn because we’re about to see that same old devastating movie running a loop over and over again for about the millionth time.”

Taking Your Power Back: Not Allowing The Images To Get The Better Of You: The thing is, whether these images are accurate or not, this doesn’t mean that they hurt any less. And, until you get control over them, they are going to continue to torment you. The best place to start is to reprogram yourself so that your reaction to them changes. Because often this will become a devastating cycle.

The image comes and you will think “Here we go again,” while you tense up, become upset, and the images become more and more controlling. You feel helpless and beaten and this only reinforces the cycle and gives the images more control. To stop this, you will want to associate the images with something else – something more positive.

When this kept happening to me, I finally decided to reward myself or do something nice for myself every time this happened so that I would not come to dread this so much and live in fear. I would stop myself or go for a walk, contact a friend, or begin reading a book that I enjoyed. Basically, I was doing something positive to put a break in this cycle to begin creating a new one. Once the images started to have less power over me, I began to dread them less and they eventually went away. And, I came to realize that continuing on with this cycle was just giving this woman one more way to hurt me, which is what I definitely did not want.

Creating The Life That Is Going To Make You Happy Is The Best Way To Get The Images Of Your Husband And The Other Woman Out Of Your Head: I know that it may be hard to think about this right now, but one day in the future after you’ve worked through this, I suspect that you might see things in a different light. Time has a way of lessening the pain, especially if you are able to create a new reality that is better than the way things were.

The happier, more fulfilled, and more at peace you become, the less you think about the past and dwell there. Knowing that you are going to be OK and that you can be happy again is honestly the best way to ensure that you’re leaving these images (which are based on fear and doubt,) in the past.

Because once these things are gone, the images no longer have a place in your life or any control over you. And, if and when they do come back, you’re able to much more easily brush them off and carry on. Because at that point, you realize that they were really just a mirage from an earlier time and a much worse place that is not your reality today.

Confronting these images is probably only one of the issues you are dealing with, but doing the work can be worth it. When I finally decided to be gentle with, and then to work on myself, things changed. I started to worry more about my own well-being and wellness than the affair. and this was truly the turning point. You can read more of that story on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com/

by: Katie Lersch: Of all of the topics that come up on my blog, I would have to say that forgiving infidelity is the most common. This is a huge thing to ask. It’s one thing to come to terms with or accept the infidelity or to want to move on from it. But forgive it? Is this really possible or even advisable? I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.

Why You Should Not Force Yourself To Forgive The Infidelity If You Are Not Ready:  It’s very common for the person who was unfaithful to be deeply sorry and to be extremely scared that this mistake is going to cost them everything. To that end, they often want forgiveness very quickly. They want to know that everything is going to be OK after all, even with their absolutely horrible judgment that led to this very painful mistake.

However, often they do not realize just how much they are asking. Infidelity is a huge blow, not only to your marriage but to your self-esteem and your confidence to gauge what is going on around you and to make sound judgments. In short, your world has been completely toppled over. It’s going to take some time and some healing to even begin to rebuild. No one has the right to expect you to rush this process. Not only that, but rushing it only delays the healing. A rushed or forced decision such as this one will often only add confusion and resentment to the negative feelings that you’re already feeling.

There is nothing wrong with taking the topic of forgiveness off of the table for a while. Simply tell your spouse that you are going to take the time to process all of the information and are going to move forward as you are able to do so. If they really love you and have your best interest at heart, they should certainly understand that.

Make Sure You Have Everything That You Feel You Need Before You Can Freely Offer Your Forgiveness:  Typically when the time is right to forgive, you will know it. All of the doubts that have been bugging you will start to abate. But, this often will not happen until enough time has passed and until you have all the reassurances and support that you have needed.

Typically, you will need confidence in the fact that you can trust your spouse again. You will need to be able to check up on them if you have any doubts. You will need their affection, reassurance, and patience. You will need to understand why the infidelity happened in the first place and you will also need to know why (and that) you never have to worry about it happening again in the future. You will need to know that you’ve worked together to “affair-proof your marriage” and to place up safeguards so that you aren’t constantly second-guessing and worried about their continued commitment. And, hopefully, it goes without saying that you need complete confidence that the person they cheated with is gone from your life.

You should also address individual issues as well as couple issues. People often cheat because of low self-esteem and poor impulse control. Therefore, it never hurts for you both to work on strengthening yourselves as individuals. The person who was cheated on is likely to have self-doubt and insecurities as a result. This is through no fault of their own and they should know that it absolutely isn’t selfish to take some time to rebuild themselves. You can’t be happy as a couple if you are not happy as an individual. That is the truth, but so many of us approach it from the opposite way.

Forgive For Yourself, Not For Them: Don’t allow yourself to be pressured to offer up forgiveness for any reason other than the fact that it is the right choice for you at the right time. At the end of the day, forgiveness is for you, not for them. It’s not letting them get away with it or saying or implying that you’ve buried it forever. There is no way around it becoming part of the history of your marriage. However, allowing some positive to come out of the negative is up to you.

And often forgiveness is the first step toward that. It’s deciding that you are tired of being afraid and of keeping score and of pretending that you can expect everyone to be perfect all of the time. It’s about knowing that people make mistakes but so long as they won’t make the same mistakes over and over, you can work with what you have if you choose to keep them in your life. It’s about deciding what, and who makes you happy. It’s about worrying about what is best for you without worrying about what others think. And it’s about evaluating whether your life is healthier and more complete with this person than without them after considering the totality of your time together. Only you can decide these things, but remember that they are yours to decide – no one else’s.

by: Katie Lersch: Often, when I begin to tell people what I learned about my husband’s affair, I get knowing glances, or people will even interrupt and say things like “I know, you learned that you can’t trust men,” or “you know that if you trust someone you will always be hurt,” or “you learned that men just can’t remain monogamous to one woman.” There was a time early in the process when I would’ve told you that things were correct. However, with the luxury of time, distance, and introspection, what I’ve learned is actually quite different from this. I actually learned more about myself than I learned about my husband. And, believe it or not, this self-knowledge has been extremely beneficial to me. I’ll explain this more in the following article.

I refuse to take the blame for my husband’s affair. I will never concede that his cheating was nothing but his own weakness, lack of judgment, need for instant gratification, and lack of impulse control. However, I also believe that there were many places where I left the marriage vulnerable, where he asked for more but I didn’t give it, where he was asking for more connectedness, and more of a time and emotional commitment but I used the excuse of the kids, my own deadlines or goals, and the fact that we had a long history and “were comfortable” not to keep growing and becoming closer.

Once I learned about the affair, I read book fulls about the negative self-talk that I’ve always allowed in my head. Of course, I immediately blamed myself and told myself that I was very stupid for missing the signs, that I was very naive for allowing my husband such a long leash, and that I was a middle-aged undesirable woman who could never keep a man. I went on like this for a long time until I finally became so sick of hearing these thoughts. It took me way too long to realize that I really always had these worries, fears, and insecurities. I had always worried that I wasn’t good enough for any desirable, successful man and that, if enough time went by, my flaws were going to show. Whether these insecurities had anything to do with my husband’s affair, I’ll never know. But I do know that these thoughts were affecting how I saw myself – and they had to stop.

I also had to admit to myself that I had been living vicariously through my family. Yes, being a stay-at-home mother is the most important job in the world. But, I always felt like a second-class citizen in my marriage. I always felt like my husband should make the decisions, that I was just the support system, the organizer, the assistant if you will. After a while, I got sick of these thoughts too.

One day, I woke up and decided that no matter if my marriage survived or not, I was going to have to stop with the negative worldview. I made a list of things that I wanted to change about myself FOR ME (not for him.) I knew that I never wanted to be dependent on a man emotionally and financially again. I knew that I wanted to respect myself. So, I decided to go back to school and he supported me in this. 

I knew that I didn’t want to feel insecure about my appearance or my ability to keep a man. So, I addressed this. I lost weight. I got a makeover. I learned how to dress to play up my assets without trying too hard or spending too much money. I learned better give and take with conversation and with intimacy. I worked tirelessly to restore my self-esteem. Sure, sometimes the little voice in my head would whisper “Just who do you think you are?” But, I would try to calm myself and answer “I’m really all I’ve got and I’m going to create the best ‘me’ that I can.”

Honestly, initially, I didn’t know if this version of myself was going to be for my husband or for another man down the road if I decided to end the marriage. But a funny thing happened. Once I began to become more confident in myself, the more I realized that my husband was perhaps not lying when he complimented me and insisted that he would do whatever was necessary to prove to me that he wanted to save our marriage. I knew now that we were on a level playing field and that I could make decisions based on my own needs without worrying if I could survive without him.

In the end, all of the memories shared history, and closeness won out over the one horrid act. But I honestly don’t think this would’ve happened if I didn’t learn more about myself. I needed to learn that I could handle anything that came my way. What I learned about my husband’s affair had very little to do with fidelity and a whole lot to do about myself, what I would demand in my marriage from here on out, and how I was going to be an equal partner in getting it.

Restoring my self-esteem and self-worth after my husband’s affair took work, but it was so worth it. I now understand myself, my husband, our marriage, and our intimacy on a much deeper level. You can read that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

by: Katie Lersch: Having a husband or boyfriend who cheated is a big hit to your self-esteem. You begin to doubt your marriage and your ability to make your husband happy or to be enough. There are tons of old stereotypes that imply that if a man cheats, it’s because his wife doesn’t understand him, he’s not happy in his marriage, or his sex life at home is lacking. While I’m sure that there are men who cheat for these reasons, there are many other common reasons that men cheat, and many of them have nothing at all to do with the wife or the marriage. I’ll discuss some of the various reasons that men cheat in the following article.

Sometimes Men Cheat Because They Are Not Happy With How They Perceive Themselves: Often it’s not you that your husband isn’t happy with, it’s himself. Often adultery is nothing more than a band-aid on low self-esteem which is why you will often see affairs in times of a man’s personal crises, like after losing a parent, losing a job, or aging. In short, he feels that he’s lost something and he’s using the affair as a means to make himself feel more capable and strong. If he’s desirable and special to someone else who hasn’t witnessed his weaknesses, struggles, and shortcomings, then he can pretend that they don’t exist. It’s sort of like having a temporary blank slate or fresh start because often this woman doesn’t have the intimate knowledge of him that you have, and in his mind, at least right now, that appears to be a good thing.

He will often see the affair as a temporary diversion that provides relief to his anxieties. He will tell himself that no one needs to know about it and that since it doesn’t really mean anything to him emotionally, at the end of the day he can just pack up and go home without anyone being the wiser and without anyone needing to be hurt or affected. Yes, he may feel some guilt and when this all comes crashing down around him, he is likely going to be deeply sorry, but unfortunately, this thought process often doesn’t come until it’s way too late to change things.

Risk-Taking As A Way To Generate Excitement In His Life: Another trend that I often see is men who feel like their lives are in a slump or who have become bored with themselves and will then use an affair or cheating as a way to bump up the excitement level in their life. It’s sort of risk-taking as a way to instill some of the excitement and drama that they feel that they are missing out on. Often, by the time that the affair ends badly, they’d give anything to have their “boring” life back, but at the time of the infidelity, they’ll often tell themselves that this risky behavior makes them feel “alive” and that life is too short not to enjoy yourself and experience new things.

The Old Notion That Men Who Refuse Sexual Advances Aren’t Masculine: There is a small subset of men who tell me that although they were happy in their marriages and still loved their wife, they found themselves in a situation where another woman came on to them and they grew up with the notion that no man in their right man would turn down a desirable woman who is offering to leave no strings attached. Some men grow up in a culture that implies that turning down attractive women is a sign that they aren’t masculine or manly enough.

This is ridiculous of course and I don’t know many wives who would buy this, but many men have insisted to me that this is the reasoning behind their risking everything for a tryst outside of their marriage. Again, they are able to compartmentalize this and tell themselves that since the woman meant nothing at all to them, this shouldn’t affect their marriage or their wife.

The Role That Your Marriage Plays In The Affair: As I’ve said, there are countless men who had strong and stable marriages at home with a loving wife and a satisfying sex life who still cheat. And, if you ask those men what is so wrong with their wives that they had to go outside of the marriage, they will typically answer with something like: “Nothing at all. My wife is wonderful and my marriage was a happy one,” while they insist that the affair had nothing to do with the marriage.

Still, there are those men who play the blame game and they’ll say that their wife didn’t have time for them, didn’t make intimacy a priority, and had let the marriage grow stale. They’ll say that the mistress listens to them, appreciates them, and understands them, (while they are rarely able to see their own shortcomings as contributing to this process.)

 And while hearing this can make you defensive, almost every marriage has a few places where it is vulnerable. Is this an excuse to cheat? Absolutely not. But it does make sense to explore ways to identify and fix these areas if you want to save the marriage. And make no mistake, marriages can be solid and even sometimes better after an affair because it forces you to lay all of your cards on the table and to be brutally honest about places where your marriage could use some improvement.

by: Katie Lersch: Often, the articles that I write are meant to help wives who are having problems or difficulties forgiving and healing from a husband’s cheating. The other day though, I had a discussion that was a little different. This wife was not having trouble forgiving her husband’s affair (she already had), but because he couldn’t forgive himself for his cheating, and of course that was also making it difficult for both of them to move on. In the following article, I’ll tell you the advice and tips that I told her – meant to help her husband forgive himself for the affair.

Understand That A Husband’s Cheating Is Often Tied To His Low Or Lowering Self-Esteem:  Many people mistake the reasons for affairs. So many assume that it has everything to do with sex or that a couple’s sex life has become stale at home, so a man will cheat as a way to broaden his sexual horizons. I guess this might happen from time to time, but more often than not, the affair comes about because the husband is trying to fix some perceived inadequacies within himself. He’s not feeling young anymore, or powerful, or worthy, or attractive. 

So, when the opportunity presents itself, he can justify it because he sees it as a way out of the negative feelings that have been plaguing him. Many men think that they will just take care of this problem, end it, and then move on as if nothing ever happened. They assume that they aren’t going to be caught and so they don’t see the need to complicate things with confessions or explanations.

But, something obviously has gone wrong. The wife now knows about the affair and it has caused her a great deal of pain. He knows that he needs to make amends and to make things right. But, the pain and hurt in your eyes and in your very stance continue to remind him of that weakness that he was trying to cover up in the first place.

Does He Know Or Feel That You’ve Really Forgiven Him? Does He Doubt Your Sincerity?: Often, when you get these situations where the husband can’t forgive himself for cheating, you have no choice but to look back at the wife – although obviously, this isn’t always the cause. Because often a man’s feelings about this are going to come from the either silent or not-so-silent cues that he’s getting from his wife.

Many men will say that although their wives have said that they’ve forgiven the cheating and have moved on, their body language, actions, suspicions, and resentment all tell a different tale. The wives will continue to look at them with downcast eyes, will continue to shy away from intimacy, and will continue to keep their husbands at arm’s distance. He’s not letting himself off the hook because deep down, you aren’t either.

He can take one look at you and tell that you, and the marriage, are still very much damaged. And, he knows without a shadow of a doubt this is all his fault. His already low self-esteem combined with this guilt and shame is a very dangerous situation that is not at all fun. But, he knows that he’s made this mess and he can’t see a way out of it.

How Both Of You Can Ultimately Forgive The Affair And Move On: Honestly, truly healing from an affair takes time, patience, and commitment from both parties. You have to be patient with yourself. And, you have to be willing to be completely honest, excruciatingly vulnerable, and willing to open yourself up to someone who has hurt you. This can feel risky and wrong. But, for a marriage to truly heal, these things are necessary and the rewards can be great.

The key to this whole thing is for both of you to believe that you can right this wrong together. It truly is possible to use this as the stimulus you need to fix things until they’re not only no longer broken, they’re better than they ever were. This does happen. When I tell people this, they’ll often say “Well, that’s going to happen for me.” I understand why you may think this way, but this does nothing to help you right now. 

The people who actually emerge OK after an affair are able to do so because they’ve rebuilt the trust and they’ve established a marriage that is actually better than the one before it. They’ve learned to communicate on a deeper level and they feel completely understood. As a result, they’re satisfied and fulfilled. In short, they are happy, so they have no need to keep picking at the scabs of the past. They’ve forgiven because not only are they OK, they’re in a better place than they ever were.

Granted, this may read like the whole process is backward. Maybe. But I promise you if you can get to a place where your marriage is fulfilling and whole (and sometimes you just have to trust the process and go along even if you have your doubts), then forgiveness will be the last thing on your mind. Honestly, eventually, that becomes yesterday’s news.