My Spouse Is Still Bringing Up My Affair Ten Years Later

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who feel as if they will never be truly free from an affair that is in the past.  Often, they have tried everything that they know to do to make sure that their spouse can heal and move on.  But it doesn’t happen, even many years later.

I heard from a wife who said: “The affair that I had when we were first married was all my fault.  I was and still am extremely remorseful for this and I have apologized repeatedly.  I have begged my husband to go to counseling so that we can heal properly but he has always refused.  Like many men, the idea of counseling is just not a pleasurable one for him.  I understand why he doesn’t want to go, but I think it would have helped us because my husband has really never gotten over the affair even though it was ten years ago.  Whenever we get into an argument, he will still throw the infidelity in my face.  If he makes a mistake and I bring it up, he will say something like: ‘at least I’m not a cheater. I may make mistakes, but I’ve never made that one. I have always been faithful to you. Can you say the same?’  I really can’t argue with him when he makes hurtful statements like this.  Because in a sense, he is right.  But shouldn’t we have moved on after ten years?  I love my husband.  I want to help him get over this.  But at the same time, having to constantly relive the affair after so many years just feels so wrong to me.  Am I out of line?”

I have to admit that as a spouse who was cheated on, I often see things from the side of the faithful spouse.  And I often defend a slow recovery because I believe that everyone heals at their own pace and that the faithful spouse should never feel rushed or judged. However, with that said, ten years is a very long time.

Remaining Stuck For Years After An Affair Is Hurtful For Both Spouses:  A decade is a lot of time to continue to be in pain and to remain in turmoil.  The fact that this husband was still bringing this up ten years after the fact was troubling for both spouses on many levels.

The fact that the wife was still trying to help her husband heal and still allowing the hurtful comments because she felt she deserved them showed her commitment to her husband and to her marriage.  Frankly, it may have been easier for her to just give up or declare her husband or her marriage a lost cause, to say she did her best, and then to leave.  But she didn’t do that, even though staying was sometimes very difficult for her.  She stayed even when she knew the comments were still going to come on a regular basis because she loved her husband. But, continuing to relive this every time conflict surfaced wasn’t fair to either of them.  It kept both of them stuck.  And it meant that their marriage wasn’t as strong as it could or should be.

At the same time, I suspected that the faithful spouse didn’t particularly enjoy keeping the pain alive.  I will admit that in the early days after the affair, I used to make nasty and hurtful comments to my husband.  But now that we have healed, I certainly no longer do this and I can’t imagine still engaging or bringing up the affair ten years after the fact.

Find Out If There Are Outstanding Issues That Can Still Be Healed: I believe that there a couple of ways that you can look at this.  You can ask yourself if it’s possible that you (or your spouse) didn’t completely heal after the affair.  I am not going to tell you that counseling is absolutely necessary in order to heal, because I do not believe that it is in every case.  (But I do believe that a lot of work needs to be done regardless of whether the work is done in counseling or at home.)  And if it isn’t, then you often find yourself dealing with the same old issues over and over again.  And even ten years after the fact is possible.

The other possibility is that the faithful spouse has some reason that they don’t want to move on.  Perhaps they are still angry and they like having something to hold over the cheating spouse’s head.  Perhaps they want the cheating spouse to know that the betrayal will never be forgotten. If this is the case, it can help to make it clear that living this way isn’t benefitting either of you.

A suggested script might be something like: “I know that the affair was all my fault and I still feel remorse.  However, that was ten years ago.  It’s not healthy for either of us to continue to live in the past.  If there is still something that is bothering you or if you need something from me in order to heal, let’s discuss what it is so that we can fix it.  Because neither of us deserves to relieve this pain.  I am still here ten years later.  I wouldn’t still be here if I didn’t want to be or if I didn’t love you or wasn’t committed to our marriage.  Please let me know what more you need from me so that we can move on for good.  Living in the shadow of the past is holding our marriage back from being as good as it can be.  I want for us to be happy.  Help me achieve that.”

After this conversation, hopefully, it will become more clear as to where your spouse stands and what your spouse still needs.  I don’t want to judge anyone’s healing process, but even I think that ten years is far too long to keep holding onto this.  It’s not healthy for either spouse and it keeps your marriage from ever really recovering.

I admit that I do understand holding onto the affair in the short term.  This happens when healing isn’t complete and it’s completely normal.  But years is an excessive amount of time in my opinion.  And it makes sense to place your focus on complete healing so that you can move on for good.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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How and Why Do Affairs Happen?

by: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who are trying to understand how and why their spouse had an affair. The questions tend to sound very similar. They are thoughtful, confused, and filled with disbelief.

Many will say things like, “I cannot understand how my usually conservative husband could have gotten involved with someone he would not have noticed before. How did this even happen?” Others say, “My husband has always been a family man who followed the rules. He has never taken risks. What would cause him to do this?” And perhaps the most painful question of all is, “I never thought infidelity would touch our marriage. I know my husband loves me. I believed our marriage was a good one. So why are we here?”

I understand these questions because I asked them myself. I do not claim to be an expert, but I can share what I have learned through personal experience and through listening to countless stories from others. In this article, I want to explain why affairs happen and why they can happen even in marriages that were loving, stable, and meaningful.

Most People Do Not Intend to Have an Affair: Many faithful spouses believe that the cheating partner saw the affair coming and chose not to stop it. They assume their spouse actively pursued the other person or knowingly created situations that would lead to betrayal. It can feel as though the affair was planned or at least consciously allowed to unfold.

In many cases, that is not how it happened. I have spoken to numerous people who cheated who say they were just as shocked as their spouse by what occurred. They often say they never believed they were capable of infidelity and never set out to hurt their marriage. No one wakes up one morning intending to destroy their family and their life.

Affairs often occur during times of emotional vulnerability. There may be a job loss, a sick child, unresolved grief, or a growing sense of dissatisfaction that has gone unspoken for years. Sometimes the marriage itself is struggling. Other times, everything appears fine on the surface, but one partner has been quietly suppressing emotions, resentment, or self-doubt. When those feelings finally surface, they can do so in unexpected and destructive ways.

Even when an affair develops gradually, it often takes both people by surprise.

Affairs Usually Begin as Innocent Connections: Many affairs start in environments where people spend a great deal of time together, such as work or school. A professional or friendly relationship forms, and at first, it feels completely appropriate. Sometimes the other person is someone you already know and trust. There is no obvious danger, so there is little emotional guard up.

At some point, something changes. There may be a stressful situation that brings them closer, a shared problem that leads to emotional bonding, or a moment of vulnerability where one person confides in the other. The relationship shifts, often subtly, from professional or friendly to emotionally intimate.

Most spouses do not recognize this shift when it happens. Or if they do, they minimize it. They tell themselves they are in control and that nothing inappropriate is occurring. This denial often continues until the line has already been crossed.

Crossing the Line Often Happens in a Moment of Weakness

Very few people plan the moment an affair becomes physical or overtly emotional. Many describe it as impulsive and overwhelming. They talk about feeling stunned afterward, unable to believe what they had done, struggling to act normally when they returned home.

Faithful spouses often say, understandably, that it should have ended immediately after that first encounter. And in theory, that is true. Many cheating spouses even believe they are going to end it. Sometimes they initiate contact again believing they will apologize or cut things off, only to find themselves continuing the behavior they swore they would stop.

People who cheat often describe feeling confused, emotionally conflicted, and pulled in opposing directions. Some feel pressured by the other person. Others describe the affair as providing temporary relief from stress or a sense of being seen and understood. Hearing this can be incredibly painful for the betrayed spouse, and it can trigger anger and disbelief. That reaction is completely normal.

While it is important to hold someone accountable for their choices, it is also important to understand the emotional conditions that allowed the affair to happen. Understanding does not excuse the behavior, but it can help guide healing and change.

Focusing on Healing Rather Than Complete Understanding: You may never fully understand every thought or decision your spouse made. You might know with certainty that you would have acted differently. That does not mean your need for answers is wrong, but it does mean that complete clarity may not be possible.

What often brings the most progress is focusing on what happens next. Healing, rebuilding trust, and making meaningful changes matter more than dissecting every detail of the past. Understanding how the affair happened can help identify vulnerabilities and prevent future harm, but it should not trap you in endless analysis.

I was the betrayed spouse in my marriage. I know the pain, confusion, and fear that come with discovering an affair. I also know that healing is possible. Two years ago, I never would have believed I would say this, but my marriage is now stronger than it was before the affair. It took time, honesty, and a great deal of work, especially on myself. That work changed my confidence, my boundaries, and my sense of self-worth.

If you are in this place right now, know that you are not alone. Recovery is possible, whether that means rebuilding the marriage or rebuilding yourself. You can read my personal story and what helped me heal on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/.

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How Do Most Men Feel About The Woman They Had An Affair With After The Affair Is Over?

by: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who spend a great deal of time worrying about the woman that their husband had an affair with.  It’s not at all uncommon to develop a sort of unhealthy obsession with her.  And, while we’re developing this preoccupation with her, we often assume that our husbands are still doing the same.  We worry that even if the affair is over, he still thinks about her or even still pines for her.

I recently heard from a wife who expressed these concerns by saying: “I’m afraid that my husband is still thinking about or longing for the woman that he cheated and had an affair with.  I believe that he’s stopped all contact with her.  I also believe that he’ll make good on his promise to try to save our marriage.  He’s doing all of the external things right, but I worry about the internal things.  I worry about his feelings because neither one of us can control those.  I worry that he still has very intense and strong feelings for her, that he misses her, and that I will never be able to compete with this.  He says my concerns are blown out of proportion and that I’m creating problems where they just don’t exist.  But what happens when she’s in his life one day and gone the next?   There was no closure.  He broke it off abruptly as soon as I found out.  So how can he just turn off his feelings like that?” I’ll try to discuss these concerns in the following article.

Men’s Feelings About The Other Woman Vary After The Affair Depending On Many Factors: The feelings that a man might have about the other woman will often depend on the circumstances surrounding the affair and will be influenced by how long the affair has been over.  Although some men who visit or contact me through my infidelity blog will admit to still thinking about or having feelings for the other woman, many deny this.  Most often, men will recount how they look back now and see how mistaken they were.   They’ll say how things feel so differently (and are so much more clear) today.  Many are ashamed or embarrassed about their actions and these negative feelings of shame can affect or counter any positive feelings that they might have thought they had toward her.

Also, many look back on the affair and realize what a high personal and emotional cost they paid for it.  This too can pretty much temper any feelings that they might otherwise have had.  Many will also tell you that the other woman manipulated them or portrayed herself as someone who she was not and that they are able to see her as she truly was as they look back now.

That’s not to say that some men don’t have positive memories or perceptions of the other woman.  Some will still tell you that she was a decent person who was there for him at a time in his life when was struggling, but this is very different than still feeling emotional feelings toward her or wanting to be with her after the relationship is over.  Many (but not all) husbands will tell you as soon as it’s clear that they might actually lose their wife or their family over this woman, the feelings will often fade quite quickly because he’s very clear on the fact that she is just not worth losing everything over.

I’d like to make one more point.  When many wives wonder about their husband’s feelings after the affair, their point of reference is themselves.  What I mean by this is that we often look at it from our own point of view.  We often wonder how we could be so completely involved with someone that we were willing to lie or cheat to maintain that relationship only to have that person gone from our lives seemingly overnight and with no closure.

But what we don’t realize is that a man often doesn’t approach this in an emotional way in the same way that a woman would.  That’s not to say that affairs are only physical because studies and statistics show this not to be the case.  Men do cheat for emotional and psychological reasons, but in my experience, observation, and opinion, these emotions have much more to do with them than they do with the woman who they cheated with.

What I mean is that they are often more motivated by how the other woman makes him feel about himself than how he feels about her.  He’s attracted to the fact that he feels desired, special, or validated.  But, most men will admit that, other than the fact that she listened to and seemed to appreciate him, there was nothing particularly special about her other than the fact that she was available at a vulnerable time.  The longer that the affair has been over, the more likely it is that the husband will have these sorts of feelings and can now see the affair (and the other woman) much more accurately and clearly.

Understand That You Don’t Have To (And Shouldn’t) Compete With Her.  Your Best Bet Is Placing Your Focus On Rebuilding Rather Than On Looking Back: I completely understood the wife’s preoccupation with the other woman.  Because we worry that any feelings or hang-ups he has about her are going to impede or affect our ability to save our marriage.  But often we would be much better off if we could focus on ourselves and our marriages.

Often, our preoccupation and worries about her only serve to continue to allow her into our lives even when physically, she is no longer there. This delays our progress and places our focus and our worries on a place and person who should be the least of our concerns.  Because when you can successfully rebuild your life, your self-confidence, and your marriage, you’ll find that you no longer have to worry about how your husband feels about her because you will know without any doubt where his loyalties, his feelings, and his priorities lie by the way that you are both fully present in your marriage.

I know that even contemplating this woman is painful and difficult, but make sure that you don’t give her more power than she deserves. When you turn your focus toward yourself, healing is often closer than you may think. It took a lot of work and patience, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result.  I no longer worry about my husband cheating again, If it helps, read my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/.

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Fixing Your Marriage After Adultery? Here’s How To Do It

by: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who want to know whether a marriage can truly recover after adultery. Sometimes the email comes from the spouse who cheated and is desperate to make things right. Other times, it comes from the faithful spouse who is heartbroken but unwilling to let one painful chapter define the rest of their life.

Based on both my personal experience and the countless stories I have encountered, my answer is yes. Marriages survive infidelity every single day. That does not mean the process is quick or comfortable. It often involves difficult conversations, deep emotional discomfort, and compromises that neither spouse ever expected to make. Still, healing is possible. And for many couples, it leads to a marriage that is stronger and more honest than the one they had before.

One of the most important requirements for saving a marriage after adultery is complete honesty and accountability. I like to be very clear about this because it is where many people get stuck. It is nearly impossible to repair a marriage if the third person is still involved in any way. I regularly hear from people who want guidance on fixing their marriage while secretly continuing the affair. In situations like that, real progress simply cannot happen. A marriage cannot heal when there are more than two people emotionally involved.

If you are the unfaithful spouse and you are not yet ready to fully let go of the other person, it may be better to pause and get honest with yourself before asking your spouse to invest in rebuilding. And if you are the faithful spouse and you are unsure whether you truly want to stay married, it is important to explore that uncertainty before giving your partner hope. Clarity, even when it is uncomfortable, is far kinder than mixed messages.

That said, many marriages do survive infidelity even when both spouses are unsure at the beginning. It is normal to hope for the best while also protecting your heart. Over time, when both people commit to the process, uncertainty can give way to relief and genuine happiness.

For healing to take place, the spouse who cheated must be willing to be open and truthful. This means taking responsibility without defensiveness and understanding that repairing the damage is now part of their work. At the same time, the faithful spouse often sees better results when they are honest about what they need moving forward instead of minimizing their pain to keep the peace.

Saving a marriage after adultery also requires an honest look at the deeper issues and the willingness to take real action. Hiding your feelings or pretending everything is fine does not make the pain disappear. It only delays it. I know how tempting it is to avoid conversations that feel embarrassing or overwhelming, but unresolved issues have a way of resurfacing later, often with even more intensity.

I frequently see couples who want to move past the affair by brushing it aside without making meaningful changes. When that happens, the underlying problems that existed before the infidelity are still there, quietly eroding trust and security. Without action, those same vulnerabilities can remain and create fear about the future.

Healing after an affair usually requires work on both the relationship and the individuals within it. The spouse who cheated may be dealing with guilt, confusion, or shame that affects how they show up in the marriage. The spouse who was betrayed often struggles with damaged self-esteem and deep trust issues. Working together as a couple is essential, but individual self-work is often the missing piece that allows true healing to take hold.

When people tell me they feel stuck and unable to move on, I often ask whether they have done any individual work alongside the work they are doing as a couple. That personal growth can make an enormous difference.

Rebuilding a marriage after adultery is painful, but with the right approach, things often do improve. Rebuilding my own marriage after my husband’s affair took time, effort, and emotional honesty. It was not easy, but it was worth it. I now understand my husband, our marriage, and myself on a much deeper level. That understanding has strengthened our relationship, and I no longer live in fear that history will repeat itself.

You can read my personal story on my blog at surviving-the-affair.com.

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My Husband Doesn’t Want To Have Sex With Me After He Has Ended His Affair. Why?

By: Katie Lersch: Sex after an affair is one of the most common topics that is brought up by people who read my blog.   There can be a lot of awkwardness, confusion, and questions about resuming your sex life after one spouse has been unfaithful.  And, there’s a lot at stake here because when sex goes wrong after infidelity, often one or both people read a lot into this and become very discouraged.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had a 3-month affair a couple of months ago.  When I found out, I gave him a choice.  End it immediately and do whatever I needed to save our marriage or keep it up and lose me.  He said that he didn’t want to lose our family so he broke it off.  However, although I can tell that he’s trying to work on our marriage, he doesn’t want to have sex with me.  He doesn’t come right out and say this but he’s made no sexual advances toward me since I found out about the affair.  And when I make advances toward him, he rebuffs me or tells me that it’s ‘too soon.’  This hurts me deeply because I worry that he doesn’t find me desirable or that I no longer turn him on.  I also worry that he doesn’t want me because he’s still thinking about her.  Why would a husband not want to have sex with his wife after an affair?”  There are actually many possible reasons for this, which I will discuss below.

He May Not Want To Have Sex Because He’s Worried That It Will Be Awkward:  Sometimes, men back off of having sex because they worry that when you are in the act, you are going to be thinking about or worrying about the other woman.  They worry that you will get upset during this and will be emotionally hurt.  Also, they often intuitively know that if sex doesn’t go well, this might make one or both of you worry that the spark is gone or that the affair has damaged your marriage and your chemistry so much, that it might not ever recover.

He Might Worry That You Will Be Turned Off Or Upset During The Act:  Some men worry that once sex actually takes place, you will become upset or overwhelmed.  It’s one thing to kiss and cuddle, it’s quite another when you are actually having intercourse after infidelity.  Sometimes, it is quite emotional and your husband might be trying to avoid this until you have healed or recovered more.

His Guilt May Be Telling Him That He Doesn’t Deserve It: Another possibility is that your husband feels very guilty and feels as if he doesn’t deserve your willingness to have sex with him.  He may feel as if he needs to earn back your trust before he even thinks about deserving to be intimate with you again.

His Emotions May Be All Over The Place:  There’s an assumption that men are willing to have sex anywhere and anytime no matter what the circumstances.  There is also a perception that while a woman needs an emotional connection or to feel emotionally healthy before she can have sex, a man doesn’t need any emotional connection whatsoever.  This isn’t the case for all men.  Some have issues being intimate when they are struggling emotionally.  And, believe it or not, men can be emotionally torn after an affair.  They can have some confusion and a large sense of regret. And this can bring about emotions that just make sex at that time feel wrong.

He May Be Posturing:  I’ll mention one final possibility, although this one is less common.  Sometimes, his holding off on having sex is part of a strategy.  Sometimes, he knows that you have the power in the marriage right now because of his affair.  And sometimes, he will try to regain some of this power by holding off sexually.  He figures if he can make you pursue him, he won’t have as much making up to do. And you have to decide if you’re going to want to allow him to do this.

How To Respond When He Doesn’t Want To Have Sex After Infidelity:  I know that this is probably not what you want to hear.  But honestly, I feel that it is best not to push if you are encountering resistance. There is plenty of time to resume your sex life and you are so much better off waiting until things are right between you.  I believe that it’s important for the sex to be good after the affair.  And it probably won’t be very good if one or both of you aren’t sure or feel uncomfortable.

So the next time that he resists, you may want to say something like: “I can see that you’re not completely comfortable.  I think that it’s better for us to wait and make sure that we are both ready rather than to push it.  I am confident that we will both know when the time is right.  And I’m also confident it will be worth the wait.”  Then, just get on with your healing.  Many men will see you back up and then they will start pursuing you, at which point you’ll need to make another decision about how best to proceed.

I know that this is difficult.  But I strongly advocate waiting until you know, without any doubt whatsoever, that the time is right.  You don’t want to have sexual issues in addition to the infidelity issues.  A good sex life can help with the healing.  And an awkward one can delay your progress.  I have to admit that I held off for a while after my husband’s affair.  It just felt necessary and, since we did save our marriage and are happy today, I feel that it was the right call.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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I Love My Husband But Am Worried He Will Cheat Again

by: Katie Lersch: I once heard from a wife who desperately wanted to save her marriage after her husband had been briefly unfaithful.

That does not mean she wasn’t devastated. She was. She was hurt, angry, shaken, and grieving the sense of safety she once had. At the same time, she felt deeply conflicted. Saving the marriage meant putting her heart back on the line. And that felt terrifying.

Her biggest fear was simple and overwhelming: what if he did this again?

She told me she honestly didn’t think she could survive another betrayal. The thought of going through this pain a second time felt unbearable. Because of that, she found herself hesitating. Part of her wanted to fight for the marriage. Another part of her was afraid to even try, because trying meant risking disappointment and more pain.

She also wanted to somehow warn her husband. She wanted him to understand that this felt like his one chance. But she didn’t know how to say that without sounding threatening, controlling, or cold.

What frightened her most was how quickly he had cheated when they hit a rough patch. One difficult moment, one poor decision, and everything changed. She kept asking herself what would stop him from making the same choice the next time things got hard.

She couldn’t come up with an answer that felt reassuring.

Meanwhile, her husband was asking for acceptance, reassurance, and support. He wanted her to believe in him again. And she felt torn, because pretending she had no doubts felt dishonest. But expressing those doubts seemed to make him fall apart emotionally, which made her pull back even more.

It is important to say this clearly: her doubts were justified.

When someone betrays you, questioning their trustworthiness is not unkind. It is human. No one should feel pressured to pretend they are completely okay when they are not.

Why So Many Wives Feel Guilty for Distrusting After an Affair: Something that surprised this wife was how guilty she felt for her lack of trust.

This is actually very common.

Many women believe, at least in theory, that infidelity would be a deal breaker. They imagine they would walk away immediately. But when it actually happens, emotions are more complicated. Love does not disappear overnight. Shared history does not vanish. And the desire to keep your family intact can be very strong.

Feeling unsure does not mean you are weak. It means you are trying to protect yourself.

Doubts do not mean you are unwilling to save the marriage. They simply mean that trust has been damaged and needs time to be rebuilt. That process cannot be rushed. Watching his behavior over time is not punishment. It is how trust is restored.

How to Tell Your Husband You Want to Try, But You’re Afraid: One of the hardest parts for this wife was figuring out how to communicate her feelings.

Every time she tried to ask questions or express concerns, her husband became overwhelmed with guilt and emotion. He apologized repeatedly and talked about how ashamed he felt. Eventually, she stopped bringing things up because she didn’t want to make things worse.

But avoiding honesty was not helping either.

Going forward, honesty is one of the strongest protections against another affair. If the marriage is going to survive, both people need to be able to speak openly, even when it’s uncomfortable.

I suggested a conversation that might sound something like this, adjusted in her own words and tone:

“I hear you when you say that you love me and that you want to fix this. I do appreciate how much you want to make things right. But I need you to understand that I’m struggling. This has been incredibly painful for me, and I need time to process it. Taking that time doesn’t mean I don’t love you or that I’m not committed to our marriage. I am. I want us to work. But I also have real concerns about the future, and rebuilding trust is going to take time. I need you to be patient with me and not rush me. I’m willing to fight for our marriage, but we both have work to do so that this never happens again.”

This approach allows you to say what you need to say without attacking or punishing him. You are not minimizing your pain, and you are not promising something you cannot yet give. You are being honest.

Because his actions created this situation, most husbands understand, once emotions settle, that patience is both fair and necessary. And it is often in their best interest to give you the reassurance and consistency you need.

Trust Comes Back Through Actions, Not Promises: Once he understands that rebuilding trust is a process, real work can begin. That work includes addressing the issues that led to the affair and creating safeguards for the future.

As those things happen, your fear and doubt should slowly lessen.

There was a time when I believed I would never trust my husband again. I truly thought that chapter of my life was closed forever. Two years later, I would not have believed how different things could feel.

It took time, effort, and a great deal of emotional honesty. But my marriage is stronger now, and my self-esteem is higher than it has ever been. I no longer live in constant fear that he will cheat again.

Healing after an affair is not quick or easy, but it is possible.

If you would like to read a very personal account of my own experience, you can visit my blog at surviving-the-affair.com.

You are allowed to love your husband and still be afraid. Both can be true. And acknowledging that truth is often the first real step forward.

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The Guilt Of Having An Affair Is Eating Me Up Inside And Tearing Me Apart: What Now?

by: Katie Lersch: I once heard from a wife who had a brief affair during one of the most fragile moments of her life. Her mother was dying of cancer. Her husband was traveling for work. She felt lonely and overwhelmed, and what she described as a “fling” happened before she even understood what she was doing. She regretted it immediately. She told me the guilt was eating her alive. She felt physically sick when she thought about what happened and could barely look at her husband without wanting to cry.

She was also convinced that her guilt was written all over her face. She felt sure her husband sensed that something was wrong. She asked me if she should confess. She didn’t know if telling him would make things better or worse. What she did know was that the guilt was ruining her life, and she didn’t know how much longer she could function under its weight.

How Guilt Can Create More Damage If You Don’t Address It Carefully: One of the first things I encouraged her to consider was the impact her guilt was having on her husband even though he didn’t yet know the truth. She couldn’t undo the affair, but she could decide what she did next. Allowing guilt to spill over into their day-to-day life only created more hurt for her husband, who had no idea why his wife seemed so distant and upset. He only knew that something was off, and that alone can be devastating for a spouse.

This is why getting control of the guilt matters. It is not about pretending the affair didn’t happen. It is about making sure the guilt doesn’t do more harm than the affair itself.

Will Confessing the Affair Make the Guilt Go Away?: I’m asked this quite often. Many people tell me, “The guilt is tearing me up. I think I should confess so I can finally breathe again.”

And in some situations, confession does help. But you have to be very honest with yourself about why you want to tell. I sometimes see people unload every detail on their spouse because they desperately want relief. Unfortunately, they end up with the same guilt plus a devastated partner who now has their own emotional trauma to work through. That creates two very big problems instead of one.

This does not mean you should never tell your spouse. Honesty matters. But if you choose to disclose, you should do it when you are calm, compassionate, and prepared to support your spouse through the shock and pain. Blurting it out in a moment of panic does not make the healing process easier for anyone.

Why Making Things Right Can Ease the Guilt More Than Anything Else: One reason guilt lingers is the fear that you can’t undo what you did. You worry that you’ve permanently damaged your spouse and your marriage. You wonder if this one mistake has erased everything good between you.

But when you begin to repair the relationship, rebuild trust, and create a healthier dynamic than you had before, the guilt often begins to soften. That doesn’t erase what happened, and it doesn’t mean you’ll never look back with regret. It simply means that your energy starts shifting toward healing instead of punishing yourself over something you can no longer change.

You may need to remind yourself that constant guilt does not protect your marriage. It only prolongs the pain. If you are fully committed to never repeating the mistake, addressing the vulnerabilities that made the affair possible, and doing whatever it takes to restore your marriage, then the guilt eventually loses its power. At that point, moving forward becomes more important than looking back.

Healing Is Possible, Even If It Doesn’t Feel Like It Now: In my own situation, I was the one who was cheated on. I know the deep hurt and confusion that comes with betrayal. But I also know that healing is possible. My marriage is stronger today than I ever imagined it could be. We did the work. I rebuilt my own self-esteem and stopped living in fear of another betrayal. I never would have believed this outcome two years ago, but it happened.

If you’re struggling with guilt, or if you’re terrified of what the truth might do to your marriage, please know that recovery is possible for both of you. You can read more of my personal story at http://surviving-the-affair.com/.

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Why Does a Husband Return to His Wife After an Affair? I’ll Tell You

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are trying to find their footing again after their husbands cheated. But every so often, I also hear from the other woman. These women usually want my take on the man’s behavior and what it means. They’ll say things like: “He was happier with me. He told me things he never told her. Why would he suddenly end it and go back to his wife when we were so good together?”

I never encourage affairs, and I certainly don’t offer advice on keeping them going. But I can explain what I’ve seen over the years. And as difficult as this may be to hear, there are very common patterns that explain why so many men eventually go home.

Men Often Realize They’ve Been Living In A Fantasy And Come Back To Reality: Many men eventually describe a moment when everything “clicks.” They wake up and see what they’ve been doing with clearer eyes. They recognize how reckless it was to step outside the marriage and how unfair it was to the people involved. They suddenly see the affair for what it is: a temporary escape built on secrecy and emotional intensity, not a long-term solution.

When this realization hits, there is often a surge of urgency. They want to clean up the mess. They want to stop the dishonesty. They want to hold onto their real life, not the temporary fantasy. And in that moment, the other woman can be left wondering what she did wrong. The truth is that she often didn’t “do” anything. He simply saw the affair as the mistake it was and chose the only place that felt solid and real.

Men Don’t Stay In Affairs Because Affairs Don’t Fix Their Problems: Something else I see is that men sometimes cheat because they feel inadequate or restless. The affair can become a distraction from their own discomfort with aging, stress, or low self-worth. But eventually the distraction wears off. The insecurities are still there. The stress is still there. And now they have an even bigger problem: they have behaved in a way they’re not proud of.

That shame can be very sobering. It pulls them back toward their marriage and the hope of getting life back to something stable and honest. The affair may have offered a quick hit of excitement or validation, but it cannot repair what is ultimately an internal struggle.

Many Men Go Back Because They Love Their Wives And Never Truly Loved The Mistress: This is the part that is usually the hardest for the mistress to accept. I often hear something like: “He loved me in a way he never loved her. We had a deeper connection. He will eventually realize that.”

But this thinking overlooks an important truth. A marriage carries years of history, challenges, memories, shared responsibilities, and emotional investment. You cannot duplicate that in a few stolen hours or even months of secrecy. The marriage has weathered storms, and the wife has often stood by him through things the mistress never had to face.

Affair relationships exist in a bubble. There are no bills on the counter, no sick children needing attention, no long-term stress that tests a couple’s bond. In that bubble, everything can feel intense and “meant to be.” But it is intensity without foundation. It has not endured anything. It has not been tested.

Real love has depth. Affair love has illusion. And illusions collapse the moment real life steps in.

Why The End Of The Affair Feels So Sudden And So Unfair: For the mistress, the end of the affair can feel like a rug being pulled out. One day he is devoted, the next he is gone. But when the fog lifts, the man often feels immense shame. He recognizes that he stepped outside the values he once held. He may feel protective of his family in a way he didn’t before. And he may want to distance himself from the part of his life where he behaved in ways he doesn’t want to be reminded of.

That drive for honesty and restoration can be very strong. It can override any sweetness or connection he believed he felt with someone else.

If You Are The Other Woman Reading This: I don’t want anyone to come out of a situation like this feeling destroyed. But if you are in a relationship that must be hidden, that causes pain, and that depends on secrecy, I would gently encourage you to ask yourself why you want to hold on. You deserve a relationship where a man can claim you in the daylight. You deserve honesty, stability, and the confidence that you are not competing with a family or a spouse.

The idea that you are “special” in a way his wife is not is almost never true in the way you believe it is. These dynamics feel powerful because they are forbidden, not because they are stable.

There was a time I couldn’t imagine forgiving my husband’s affair. I couldn’t imagine trusting him again. But as painful as that period was, my marriage eventually became stronger because of the work we both did and the work I did on myself. Today, my self-esteem is higher than it has ever been. I no longer wait in fear of another betrayal. And I’m grateful I didn’t let the affair define the rest of my life.

I share that only to say that healing and clarity are possible, whether you are the wife or the other woman. But healthy relationships grow in honesty, not secrecy. They grow in the light, not in the shadows.

You can read more about my own journey at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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Is There Any Difference Between Cheating and Having an Affair? Which is Worse?

by: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from women whose husbands have had long-term affairs. These wives will almost always tell me the same thing: “I wish it had just been a one-night stand. At least then it wouldn’t have involved feelings.” Many wives draw a very sharp line between physical cheating and emotional cheating. In their eyes, the emotional connection – the relationship – feels like the deeper betrayal.

They’ll say things like: “If it was just sex, I could maybe understand that it was stupid, impulsive, or reckless. But he continued the relationship. He kept going back. He knew it was wrong, and he did it anyway.” To many women, the repeated decisions hurt worst of all.

Still, not every wife sees it this way. I also hear from women whose husbands had a one-time lapse – sometimes literally one night – and these wives are horrified in a different way. They’ll tell me, “I feel like I’m married to a stranger. How does a man throw away his marriage for quick sex with someone who meant nothing?”

These wives see long-term affairs as terrible, of course –  but they also see impulsive cheating as a sign of something darker: lack of impulse control, selfishness, or complete disregard for consequences.

I could list perspectives all day, because the truth is that every woman experiences infidelity differently. And until you’re standing in the middle of the storm yourself, it’s nearly impossible to predict how you’ll feel – or which version would be harder for you to survive.

Still, I do want to explore both situations, highlight the unique challenges of each, and share my opinion on which tends to be more damaging in the long run.

The Challenges That Come With Impulsive, One-Time Cheating: When your husband cheats in a short-term, spur-of-the-moment way, you may not have to worry about him being emotionally bonded to another woman. That is one small mercy. There’s no extended relationship, no parallel emotional world he was building behind your back.

But that doesn’t mean this situation is easy.

Many wives in this position worry deeply about impulse control. They ask me things like:

  • “If he could do something so reckless once, what’s stopping him from doing it again?”

  • “If he didn’t think of the consequences then, why would he next time?”

  • “Does this mean any woman walking by is a potential threat?”

Because in these cases, it’s not that the other woman was special. It’s that she was available. And that can feel terrifying.

To be fair, many marriages do recover from this. Rehabilitation often looks like rebuilding internal boundaries, addressing vulnerabilities, and putting real safeguards in place. This isn’t always simple, but it absolutely can be successful when both spouses are committed to doing the work.

How a Long-Term Affair Is Different. And Why It Cuts So Deeply: With a long-term affair, the ongoing nature of the deception hits hardest. The husband didn’t just make a terrible choice once. He made it repeatedly. He could have ended it early, but he didn’t. He chose to continue.

That leads many wives to the most painful fear of all:
“Was she special? Did she mean something he didn’t mean to me anymore?”

These fears often ignite the imagination in awful ways. Wives picture deep emotional intimacy, long conversations, future plans — even if none of that actually happened.

The truth is that in many affairs, reality eventually sets in. Husbands often admit, once everything comes crashing down, that the other woman wasn’t who they thought she was. They’ll tell me:

  • “I never meant to fall into something like this.”

  • “I didn’t know how to get out because she was pressuring me, and my wife was upset too.”

  • “I felt trapped.”

This doesn’t excuse the behavior. But it does mean that a long-term affair doesn’t automatically equal deep love or lasting attachment.

Still, what stings the deepest for many wives is the serial deception. The lying. The hiding. The everyday choices he made to protect the affair instead of the marriage.

And that can leave women terrified that he’ll either return to the other woman… or find someone new down the road.

But again – these worst-case fears do not always come true. Many husbands end the affair abruptly and permanently once the truth surfaces, and they genuinely commit to healing the marriage. Restoration usually happens through reconnection, transparency, communication, and consistency. It is possible. Many couples do it every single day.

So Which Is Worse: Cheating Once or Maintaining an Affair?: Both situations are deeply painful. Both are destabilizing. Both can turn your world upside down.

But in my opinion, the answer is actually simpler than people expect:

The worst situation is the one that keeps happening.

A one-time lapse – whether impulsive or emotional – is extremely painful, but it can often be repaired with hard work, honesty, and healing.

A repeated cheater, regardless of whether he’s having affairs or one-night stands, is much harder to rehabilitate. When you tell a man how much he has hurt you and he repeats the behavior anyway, rebuilding trust becomes exponentially harder.

So rather than focusing on labels – “affair” versus “cheating” – it’s often far more productive to focus on:

  • Why it happened

  • What allowed it to happen

  • And what needs to be rebuilt so it never happens again

Both scenarios can be overcome. Both require effort. Both can transform a marriage in surprising ways when the healing is done correctly.

I say this from experience.

There was a time when I truly believed I would never recover from my husband’s affair. I thought the damage was permanent. But it wasn’t. Although I never would have believed this years ago, my marriage did recover. And it is stronger today than it ever was before.

It took work. It took patience. And I had to learn how to approach the situation in ways that actually moved the needle instead of making things worse. But it was worth it.

My self-esteem is high, and I no longer fear my husband will cheat again.

If you’d like to read more about what helped me turn everything around, I share my very personal story at http://surviving-the-affair.com/.

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How And Why Do Affairs Usually End?

by: katie lersch: I often have two different sets of people asking me this question.  Sometimes, people whose spouses are having an affair want to know why and how affairs end so that they can attempt to make the affair end sooner.  Other times, I hear from the people involved in the affair.  They don’t want it to end so they are looking for common pitfalls in the hopes that they can avoid them.  Much of the time, one party is hoping that the affair ends (and is looking for a way to help this process happen more quickly)  while the other is hoping that it never ends.  In the following article, I’ll tell you some of the most common reasons that I see affairs end.

The Affair Will Commonly Fizzle Out As The “Newness” And Excitement Wears Off: There’s no question that, to many,  part of the appeal of the affair is the fact that it’s taboo and forbidden.  There can be an excitement that comes with a new and secret relationship.  But as the early days give way to old ones, this sense of newness quickly wears off and gives way to the familiar.  And when this happens, a lot of that excitement goes with it.  When this happens, the affair/relationship will often just die a natural death or fizzle out.  Because it’s often not real or genuine feelings and emotions that are holding these two together. It’s a facade that fades.

Sometimes, The Guilt Becomes So Overwhelming That One Party Chooses To End The Affair: It’s also not uncommon for one person to end the affair out of guilt.  There’s a stereotype that people who have affairs are unfeeling and don’t care about their spouse anymore.  This isn’t always the case.  Many do feel guilt and some even end the affair because of those same guilt feelings.  Although the person on the other side of the affair will often hope or think that the person who they are cheating with has distanced himself from his family or is no longer as invested as he once was, this sometimes proves to be not the case.

Sometimes The Faithful Spouse Finds Out About The Affair And A Choice Must Be Made: It’s not at all uncommon for the faithful spouse to learn about the affair (and sometimes the unfaithful spouse will confess to this themselves.)  When this happens, the faithful spouse will often issue an ultimatum and demand that a choice is made.  And it’s not at all uncommon for the cheating spouse to end the affair in a response to that ultimatum because they decide that their spouse is more important to them than the other person.

An Affair Can End Because One Or Both People Involved In It Realize That The Relationship Just Isn’t Working Anymore Or Was Built Upon Misconceptions: It’s also not uncommon for one or both people in the relationship to evaluate it and decide that it isn’t working anymore or just isn’t what they thought or hoped it would be.  Often, in the beginning, they can build the other person up to be something who he or she is not.  After all, if you’re going to risk your marriage and your family to participate in infidelity, that other person must be awful special.  But, after a while, it becomes easier to see them for who they really are or aren’t.  And when this happens, you can realize that the other person (or the relationship) just isn’t worth the risk or the personal costs.

When Reality Sets In, The Rose Colored Glasses Can Come Off: At the beginning of an affair, both people are usually on their best behavior and are working very hard to make each encounter exciting and memorable.  Usually at least one person is investing a lot into the relationship.  But this can only last or be maintained for so long.  Eventually, she might see or have to pick up his dirty socks.   Her lack of character might start to annoy him and the list goes on and on.  The point is, eventually, the relationship behind the affair becomes like any other relationship – warts and all.  And it can become fairly obvious that if the affair is going to have all of the usual problems of a marriage or other long-term relationship, then what’s the point?

The End To An Affair Can Come Very Abruptly Or Quite Gradually: Sometimes when people think of an affair ending, they picture a very dramatic breakdown.  I’ve had people tell me that they sat on the phone while their spouse called the other person and instantly ended the affair.  I’ve heard of nasty face to face confrontations and threats to never ever have any contact again.  But an affair doesn’t always end with a bang.  It can also end with a gradual whimper where one person quietly breaks it off or the interactions or meetings just become less and less frequent until they eventually end altogether.

No matter how and why affairs end, most do end eventually.  Statistics show that very few relationships that start as an affair end up in marriage – much less a marriage that actually lasts.  There’s an exception to every rule, of course.  But for the most part, an affair does not have a high chance of working out or ending well.  That’s why it can be advisable to never start one in the first place.

Surviving The Affair is a blog I put together to share my story in the hopes that it helps someone else. I know that this is a very difficult time, and that forgiveness can be elusive, but working through it can truly be worth the effort. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, better times were ahead. My marriage eventually recovered and is stronger than ever. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self-esteem remained intact. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read that very personal story at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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