Why Can I Not Give Up My Affair?
Most of the time, I dialog with or hear from the faithful spouse. Occasionally, I hear from the cheating spouse seeking guidance about how to untangle themselves from the affair so that they can hopefully save their marriage. Thankfully, most of these folks truly want to end the affair and are ready to do so. However, there is a small subset of people who reluctantly admit that they “just can’t” give up the affair, even though they truly want to.
Here is an example of what they might say, “Before I say anything else, I want to stress that I want to save my marriage. I do love my wife. But, I can’t seem to end the affair. I will start out having good intentions about it, but when I see or talk to my affair, I change my mind. Admittedly, it’s been a very exciting relationship – different from what I have with my wife. At times, I have convinced myself that this other woman makes me happy. But deep down, I know that my wife is the woman who I am supposed to be with. We have shared a family and a home. She is the most loyal, kind, and admirable person I know. She is the last person who I would ever want to hurt. I know that I should immediately end things and then make this up to my wife. And yet, months have gone by and I have taken no action. I am still in a relationship with the affair partner, although she feels me pulling away. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I give this relationship up? Why can’t I just end the affair like I know that I should?”
Having talked with many couples about affairs (and having gone through one myself,) I definitely have some theories on this. I will share them below.
The Affair Puts A Spring In Your Step: Many people engage in (and then want to remain in) affairs because it makes them feel relevant and desirable. It is human nature to gravitate toward something which makes you feel fully alive and good about yourself. For a brief time, the affair can check those boxes. However, what many people don’t realize is that much of the time, the guilt and uncertainty will eventually cancel out the positive feelings. Countless people have told me that in retrospect, they wish they’d never started the affair because the net outcome was much more negative than positive.
You’re Self-Sabotaging or Participating In Risky Behavior: Often, we get to a point in our lives where we have doubts about our place in the world. We begin to face our own mortality or question our place in the universe. Sometimes, these monumental concerns make us feel quite small. So, to compensate, we sometimes do things to shake up our lives, whether that is participating in risky behavior or sabotaging ourselves.
You Have Underlying, Hidden Resentment About Your Life, Your Marriage, or Your Wife: No one wants to admit that he resents large aspects of his life. But sometimes, people who have affairs feel some sort of resentment or disappointment with the state of their lives, their marriages, or their spouse. But, rather than confronting this at home or being honest about it, they instead have an affair, which is, ironically, their attempt at addressing the resentment. Often, they may not consciously realize that they are feeling this resentment and will instead reassure themselves that their wife or their life is wonderful and has no flaws. If that is true, why cheat? (Unless, of course, the first two possibilities above are in play.)
How To Quickly And Decisively Move Forward: I don’t believe that I have to convince anyone that ending the affair is the right and best thing to do. Most people are fully aware of this, but they tell themselves that they just can’t do it. In truth, you can and you must. Do it by whatever means necessary. Whether in person or on the phone, do it right away. Make it clear that you are sure about your decision and you want no additional contact. Believe me, allowing contact is the easiest way to start up the affair again. You want to decisively end it and then immediately turn your attention where it belongs – to your family. Be very clear about this. If you appear at all hesitant, the affair partner will hope that she can change your mind. You must make it clear that she cannot.
Look For The Payoff From The Affair In More Appropriate Places: You must figure out the payoff that you were getting from the affair. Be honest with yourself about this. Because once you determine what, exactly, was keeping you in the affair, you can then seek that thing from other, more appropriate places.
I don’t mean to be insensitive, but when people say, they “can’t” and the affair, they must know that this isn’t true. It’s not as if someone is physically keeping you from speaking the words. No one is holding you hostage. You’re choosing not to end it because of some payoff. Figure out what that payoff is and tell yourself you should and will seek it somewhere else. Part of my stance on this comes from being the faithful wife whose husband had an affair. I know the pain of that and I know that no good comes out of an affair. My husband regrets his behavior more than any other thing in his life. So don’t prolong this mistake. If it helps, you can read about how we overcame the damage of the affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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