Regaining Sexual Prowess After Being Cheated On
By: Katie Lersch: There are many things that can affect sexual performance, but many of these issues are physical. As we age, we can suffer hormonal changes or injury that can change the way that we have (and enjoy) sex.
You can also have changes in performance based on issues that aren’t at all physical in nature. They are MENTAL or psychological in nature. And I can think of no better example than when you are cheated on and therefore suddenly second guess yourself sexually. So many of us have been through this. Even very confident people can struggle once we know that our partner has gotten sex from someone else. We start to think that perhaps there is something wrong with us, or that we are not good in bed, or that we are undesirable in some way.
Of course, no one wants to live this way for very long. We all want to regain our footing as soon as we can. Sex is an important part of any relationship. And assuming that you want to save your relationship, even after the infidelity, you are eventually going to be interested in restoring your sex life also. Everyone wants to feel as sexually confident as they possibly can so that they can enjoy the intimacy that sex brings to the relationship.
Someone might say: “honestly, I have always had a high degree of sexual confidence. I’m not trying to brag, but I have a long history of men telling me that I’m the best that they’ve ever had – or pretty close to it. My husband used to gush about having sex with me. I’m attractive and that certainly helps. But I also think that I’m pretty skilled – or so I thought. But after I found out about my husband’s affair, I’ve been totally doubting that. And the other woman isn’t even all that attractive. That’s what gets me. That’s what makes me doubt my own skill. On the bright side, my husband is falling all over himself trying to get me back and begging me not to leave him. I don’t think that he will cheat again. He is too afraid of losing me. But our sex life is very awkward. I know that I’ve always been an enthusiastic partner, but now I found myself to be very tentative and this just isn’t like me. I second guess myself. I watch my husband watching me and I wonder if certain things are jiggling or not looking very attractive and I have never had these types of doubts before. Not ever. So how do I get my sexual prowess back? Because I’m starting to think that I’ve lost it with my husband. And that if I want it back, I’ll have to divorce him and start over with someone else. I don’t really want to do that. But I will move on from him rather than have bad sex for the rest of my life.”
That’s the really important distinction – whether or not you truly want to save your marriage or not. If you don’t, then you’re right, there’s absolutely no reason to suffer through bad sex. But if you do, then it’s certainly worth it to do the work. I had some of the same concerns as you have and I can say that my sex life is back to being satisfying again. Yes, there were awkward times. Yes, there were times when I decided to take a break from that part of our relationship while we were recovering. Because I strongly believed (and still do) that if the emotional connection isn’t there, then the physical connection is going to suffer.
Part of getting your sexual prowess back, at least for me, was trusting in the person who I was having sex with. As my husband and I were trying to recover, we definitely had trust and resentment issues. That’s not great for your sex life – no matter how hard you try to spice it up.
That said, a good sex life can help your marriage to recover – at least partially. While you still have to do the work, it can help give you confidence that you can still connect on that level and find pleasure in one another. It can solidify that your husband still finds you attractive (and vice verse.)
I probably don’t have to tell you this, but it helps to be reminded. NOTHING about you has changed as a result of the affair. You are 100% the same person now as you were the day before you found out about the infidelity. Your looks haven’t changed substantially. Your personality hasn’t changed substantially. And your sexual technique and skill hasn’t changed substantially. What has? Your confidence in your marriage. Your confidence in yourself. You get these things back through counseling, self help, and / or hard work.
And you give yourself permission to do whatever you have to do to love yourself again and to gain back your self esteem. This may include pampering, counseling, a makeover, time with yourself – or whatever else is applicable. It may seem self-indulgent. But it is necessary. Until you can love, adore, and appreciate yourself completely, then you may doubt if he loves you. And this doubt is going to manifest itself in all sorts of ways or in all sorts of places – like in your bedroom, in your brain, and in your mirror. Of course, there are techniques that you can learn to increase sexual skill and boost your technique (and you can see them on the right side of this blog,) but it sounds as if you didn’t need any help here before. But if it would make you feel better to try out something new, then by all means, go for it.
I did embark on some self improvement to boost my confidence (sexual and otherwise) after my husband’s affair and it helped my life in so many ways. In fact, it helped my life in areas outside of my marriage. It also really helped with the trust because now I realize that I am capable and worthy no matter what my husband does. I know that I am going to be OK and that I am going to thrive regardless. And this is why I don’t worry about the repeat cheating as much. My husband responded favorably to my new self confidence. There’s more about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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