Will My Husband’s Affair Last?
By: Katie Lersch: One of the biggest concerns that spouses have about an affair is whether or not it is really and truly over. Some husbands will claim that it is, but their behavior is still a bit suspicious. Other husbands are very open about the fact that they are just not ready or willing to end the affair. Some will claim that they may re-commit to their marriage in time, but they insist on letting the affair “run its course” until it comes to a natural end. A small subset of men are very open in their belief that the affair is a real, loving relationship that is going to stand the test of time.
Most wives know that statistically speaking, affairs don’t typically last. But many are understandably afraid that their husband is speaking the truth – that he is in love with this person. Some of these wives begin to live in dread, worrying that the husband and the other woman will actually end up together for the long term. A wife might say, “my husband has not come right out and told me that he is in love with the other woman, but you only need to watch him to know that this is true. He is almost giddy when he has been with her. I always know when this is the case. He doesn’t even pretend that he is going to end the affair, although he has made no plans to separate or divorce. So I am wondering if I should initiate one. Because I don’t want to fight to hold onto to my marriage only to have the two of them get married and live happily ever after. What are the chances of this happening?”
As you probably already suspect, the chances of this happening are actually pretty low. Below, I’ll outline some statistics about affairs, tell you how the affair is likely to end and offer tips on what you can do to facilitate this.
The Average Duration Of An Affair: Before I get to the statistics, I want to clarify that the type of affair that I am talking about is not a one night stand or fling. I’m talking about the type of affair where people perceive that there are feelings involved. Even with these types of more serious affairs, the average duration is around six months. Half of these affairs end within a year. Forty percent last for more than a year and up to four years. Very few affairs last for longer than four years, but we all know couples who are now married and met while having an affair. This can and does happen. But it is rare. Yes, these time frames can seem frustratingly long, but very few last for a lifetime.
Most statistics say that less than 10 percent of affairs end up in marriage. Of those marriages, 75% will end in divorce within five years. Why? These couples split up for the same reasons that the affair ends in the first place.
Why Do Affairs End?: There are a few reasons that affairs can end. One of the most common reasons is that excitement begins to fade. This can either be a by-product of time or it can happen after the affair is discovered. When the parties are no longer sneaking around or pulling off a scam, then the novelty can wear off. In time, they can begin to see the truth of the situation and they can begin to see the flaws in the other person and in the relationship. Often, there is a high cost to having an affair. Once it is discovered, the cheaters can face a loss of respect and esteem. They may even have less access to their children or have to pay in terms of finances. All of these “losses” can sometimes lead to resentment toward the affair partner. Needless to say, this can dim the spark very quickly. Plus, these relationships often suffer from trust issues. When you met your significant other while cheating, how can you know that they won’t cheat on you?
What Part Does The Faithful Spouse Play?: In many ways, you can not influence what your spouse thinks or feels. BUT, nothing says you have to sit by and watch this happen in a passive way. If your spouse is dragging his feet to end the affair, you can’t necessarily force him to stop. But you can create consequences when he doesn’t. A cheating spouse should not have the benefits of both the marriage and the affair. If he chooses to continue having an affair, then he should enjoy no benefits of the marriage until the affair is over.
If he claims that he has ended it but that has clearly been under duress, then you are well within your rights to examine his behaviors and habits to make sure that his claims are true.
To put it plainly, do not indirectly give him permission to carry on this affair or make it easy for him to do so.
He may still insist on carrying it out, but if he does, then he can’t pretend that all is well with you. In the meantime, work on your own self-care and wishes. Do not put yourself on hold. When he finally realizes that he’s made a huge mistake, you will be in a position of strength.
To sum up, the odds are in your favor that the affair will last for less than six months. If it lasts for longer than this, it will most likely be over in less than a year. Only a very small percentage of affairs last for more than a year and an even smaller percent become long term. Of those, most end in divorce. You are much more likely to remain married (70 percent of couples do) than for your husband to have found “the one” in an affair. If it helps, you can read about my own recovery after my spouse’s affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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