Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Most of the traffic that I get on this site are women who are dealing with a husband’s cheating or affair. However, there are sometimes unfaithful husbands who find their way here because they are looking for information to help them make things right. Admittedly, a few of them are just looking for a way to get their wife to forgive them or to move on without doing any real rehabilitation or work. But, most are truly willing to do what is necessary to make things better for their wives. Many feel incredibly guilty and are fully aware that they have made a grave, life-altering mistake.

I’ve even had a few admit that they completely believe that they have ruined their wife’s life. I’m putting this into my own words, but their correspondence goes something like this: “I don’t know how I can ever make up for what I did to my wife. I never set out to ruin her life, but that is exactly what I ended up doing. I should have realized that she would find out about the affair. I convinced myself that I was being very careful. But we live in a very small town. And although the other woman made it seem like I could trust her to be discrete, I was obviously wrong in this assumption and in so many things. When my wife found out about the affair, she was devastated. She works with the other woman. And understandably, she took vacation days because she didn’t want to interact with the other woman right away. I told her that she should quit her job. I promised to support her while she looked for another job. She was very honest in telling me that she didn’t know if she wanted to stay married. I told her that it didn’t matter. I believe that my wife ultimately quit because she didn’t want to face the other woman. But her leaving had unfortunate circumstances. She now has a job that she hates. Her new job doesn’t use any of the skills that she worked so hard to learn. She no longer regularly sees her co-workers, many of whom were close friends. So she feels isolated and depressed. Quite honestly, the woman in our home now is very different from the woman who lived here six months ago, and not in a good way. The kids don’t come around as much because it is awkward in our house and she misses them. I often think about all my wife lost because of my selfishness. I feel like I ruined her life. And she is very resentful. I can’t blame her. Is there any hope for us?”

Why I Believe That This Situation Can Improve: I believe that there is always hope. And, as a wife who was in the same situation, I can tell you that although there were definitely days when I felt that my life was turned upside down and borderline ruined after my husband’s affair, I am content and thriving today. It took much time and a great amount of rehabilitation and healing, but I no longer consider myself damaged. The same can be true of your wife one day. Human beings have an enormous capacity for self-preservation in times of crisis. We ultimately want to right ourselves, even when we stumble initially. It just takes us time to get our bearings and to find the resources and support that will help us.

Things That You Can Do To Help Your Wife To Heal And Repair Her Life: Even though healing will usually begin naturally eventually, there is plenty that you can do to support your wife in the meantime and to help this process along. Ask your wife if she would be okay with your hosting a gathering for her former co-workers or paying for a night out or trip so that they can all reconnect. It is unfair for your wife to lose these friendships and, although it will be more difficult to maintain them without seeing one another every day, it is doable with effort.

Talk to your kids and ask them to come by regularly. Allow them to say whatever they need to say to you without involving your wife in any unpleasantry.

Offer to cover expenses while your wife looks for another job that she will enjoy more. Or, ask that her co-worker friends tell her if or when the other woman leaves the job so that your wife has the option to return if she wishes. She should not have to remain at an intolerable job when this is potentially avoidable.

Finally, move heaven and earth to get her healing resources. How this looks depends on what she is comfortable with. If she wants to go to counseling, go. Patiently answer her questions. Offer endless reassurance. Shower her with love and understanding even when she is angry. Listen without defense or judgment.

Do self-work to determine WHY you cheated so that you do not repeat this mistake ever again. If you cheat twice, you double the damage. Both spouses need to heal for the marriage to recover.

Do These Selfless Acts Without Any Thought Of How It Will Benefit You: I know that you love your spouse and want to help her heal. But it is just human nature to have an end-goal in mind. You are human if you are hoping that this will help you to save your marriage in the end. Still, try very hard to always put your wife’s happiness and mental health before any end goal.

Your goal right now is to do right by your wife. If that ends up helping your marriage, great. But that should not be the real goal. The ultimate goal is to take care of her. That might benefit you and it may not. But the end result should not matter.

I know that this is difficult for you both.  But marriages and lives recover after infidelity.  If it helps, you can read about how mine did at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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