Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: As you might imagine, most of the people who reach out to me to ask questions are faithful spouses. Since I write from that perspective because I too was the faithful spouse, it makes sense that people having the same experience and struggles would reach out. Occasionally, though, I do hear from cheating spouses. They have their own sets of struggles, and they can also grapple with why they’re seeing certain behaviors.

One of the most common questions I get is why the affair partner ultimately went back to his spouse when everything in his words and in his behavior indicated that this was the last thing he wanted to do.

For example, an affair partner might say, “I know I shouldn’t be shocked, but I am surprised that the man I’ve been cheating with for several months ended the affair to work things out with his wife. I feel like an idiot for letting this surprise me. But all along, he’s been very negative about his wife and his marriage, and he’s been very complimentary to me. He always tells me that being with me feels like a break in comparison to the way he feels with his wife. I can’t claim that he ever told me that he was going to leave his wife for me, but that was certainly implied between us. I never made waves or made any overt demands of him. I tried to always be welcoming. We didn’t have a fight or differences of opinion. He just said he is breaking it off with me because he needs to make things work with his wife. Why would he do this? As far as I know, she still doesn’t suspect anything, so there is really no reason to take this action.” 

Some of the above assumptions may be untrue. You don’t know that the wife doesn’t suspect anything. You also don’t know that there is no reason for the husband to take any action. None of us are mind readers, so it’s impossible to know someone’s true motivations unless they share them. That said, I’ve known many couples in this situation, and I believe I have a good handle on why cheating spouses ultimately return to their spouse and their marriage (which happens much of the time.) I will share that below.

He Was Never Looking to Leave His Marriage: People often assume that a person who cheats must be unhappy in their marriage, but this isn’t always true. Sometimes, they are unhappy with themselves, their lives, or a situation that has nothing to do with their marriage. Other times, they are in the right place at an unfortunate time when they are vulnerable to cheating.

Whatever the reason, it isn’t always correct to think that cheating spouses are looking to get out of their marriages. Sure, they may be looking for a break or something different. But in their minds, they were never looking for another spouse or relationship. They never intended to break up their family, no matter what they might say. This leads me to my next point.

Divorce is Painful, Expensive, and Shocking: Many people can begin to believe that the grass might be greener somewhere else, until they are faced with losing their marriage and their family. If a wife suspects or finds out and the husband is faced with the possibility of divorce, he will often change his mind about the affair relationship rather quickly.

There is a big difference between fantasizing about a different life and actually blowing up your life by getting a divorce. Many people just aren’t willing to do it. Because they weren’t that unhappy to begin with. 

He May Have Realized That He Was Wrong About His Spouse: Sometimes, a cheating spouse does believe that they are unhappy in their marriage. So, while they may not necessarily want a divorce, they want something else. But while they are carrying on with the affair, they’re suddenly not scrutinizing their marriage and their wife as much. And after this type of calm, some men realize that they were wrong in their assumptions and unfair in their evaluation of their wife and of their marriage. When they realize their mistake, they’ll want to break off the affair.

The Spouse Found Out or Began to Suspect: It’s one thing to carry on in secret when there aren’t any consequences. But a spouse discovering an affair can douse cold water on it like nothing else. When consequences are suddenly at play, a cheating spouse can realize that the affair just isn’t remotely worth it, and he will then break it off abruptly.

His Conscience Got to Him: People play all sorts of mind games with themselves to carry out an affair. They’ll convince themselves that no one will find out or get hurt. They’ll tell themselves that it doesn’t mean anything. And they may buy these claims for a short time. But over the long term, most people know in their hearts that they are doing something quite damaging and wrong. Over time, the guilt feelings become too much to deal with, so it becomes obvious that it is time to end it. 

The Affair Has Come to Its Natural End: Statistics show us that most affair fizzle out on their own in a pretty short amount of time. Even when an affair partner thinks they’ve done nothing wrong, it takes two people to carry out an affair. And the other person can simply decide that they are done. An affair often feeds on secrecy and newness. When either of those aspects are compromised, there’s really no reason to keep going. 

I hope this list is helpful. And I don’t mean to downplay anyone’s feelings or pain. But it’s not uncommon for someone to end an affair after a set period of time for various reasons. Most of the time, the person ending it just want start to salvage what they can. 

I suspect there may be some faithful spouses who are reading this article. If so, you’re welcome to read more about how I coped with infidelity and eventually was able to overcome the worst of it at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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