Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: There’s no doubt that the winter holidays are a time for families to spend together. It can feel wrong for your family to be fractured at this time. There’s an inclination to “make nice” or to “keep the peace.” 

But, of course, if your spouse has done something to fracture that same family, then family time may be altered, which can feel wrong – although this disconnect is not your fault.

A spouse might say, “My husband’s cheating is fresh. It’s only been several weeks. I don’t know what I want to do about it. Sometimes, I think that this is the dealbreaker I always told him it would be. And other times, I think that I owe it to my kids to try to work this out. I can’t say that I don’t feel anything for him. But I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get a handle on my anger and distrust. I honestly don’t know if I can ever trust him again. I don’t know if I want to try to. But here we are coming up on the holidays, and he acts as if I should go through the motions around both of our families and for the sake of our kids. It is like I am being pressured to pretend that all is well when it most definitely is not. It’s not fair and I resent it. At the same time, I would never do anything to hurt my children, and I am more concerned about their feelings than mine. But how can I save my sanity during the holidays so that I don’t have to pretend that nothing is wrong?”

I understand where you are coming from. I sometimes felt pressure to put on a fake front in front of my husband’s family because, of course, he didn’t want them to know about the heinous mistake he made by cheating. I didn’t feel it was my responsibility to cover for him. And I would sometimes feign illness or other obligations so I didn’t have to basically live a lie at the time. 

Kids Can Change Things: However, where children are concerned, that is most definitely different. Nothing about this is their fault, and they don’t deserve to suffer in any way because of it, assuming you can avoid it.  

In my case, there were times we would still do things as a family for their sake, even early on. I understand that this may not be the right choice or a tolerable action for everyone. But I was able to do it because I saw that my husband was also making an effort.

Acting and Reality are Two Different Things: I agree that this situation isn’t fair, but know that just trying to keep up appearances and the true situation can be two different things. Just because you act a certain way for the sake of the children or the family doesn’t mean that you have to act that same way when you are alone.

And it certainly doesn’t imply any act of forgiveness if you aren’t ready for that or don’t want it. None of what he did is negated just because of the need to keep the peace for the holidays.  

There is absolutely no need for you to rush yourself just because of what the calendar says or because this unfortunate event happened around the holidays.

Making Your Feelings Clear: If you suspect your husband thinks the holidays fell at a fortunate time because now you’re going to be forced to play nice and pretend, you can always try to set the record straight.

You might say something like, “I know it’s the holidays, and I’m going to participate in this as a family for the kids and only for the kids. You may appear to be the beneficiary of that, but I want to be clear. Nothing has changed. I feel exactly the same way and need exactly the same remorse and rehabilitation. The holidays don’t fast-track or negate what I need to heal. Please know that I am doing this for our family and for no other reason. It’s only for appearances right now. That might change over time, but right now that is how I feel. So I need you to respect our reality and see it for what it is.”

Hopefully, you won’t need to repeat this, and he will respect your boundaries and not try to push his luck. You can carry on with the holidays as best as you can for the kids and then revisit what you want and need moving forward after the holidays.

Yes, you may choose to act in such a way to make things easier for your children, but that doesn’t mean your husband gets a pass. It may just mean there’s a display for someone else, but there needn’t be a pause on the work you’re doing. Just make it clear that any detour is for your kids, and it’s only for show. Everything else can remain the same.

Don’t ever apologize for taking any time you need.  Don’t ever allow yourself to be rushed.  I had the luxury of going at my own pace during healing, but it still took longer than I may have liked.  Still, rushing it benefits no one. You can read more about my recovery at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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