Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I don’t envy where you are right now. You’ve recently discovered that your partner has cheated on you. And I know, from experience, that you feel like your world has cracked wide open. I’ve been there. I’ve felt that initial shock, that gut punch of betrayal, and the barrage of questions. But which do you ask? Which questions will get you to what you NEED to know, and which questions will just make this mess worse? Here’s what I discovered after my own spouse’s affair.

There’s no perfect script. But there are some phrases that give you a little more power, and there are also words that help to take it away. Let’s have a look.

Don’t Edit (Or Rush)Your Feelings: Before you really let your words flow, give yourself a minute – or several. You need time to process this before the words come. No, you won’t be able to totally calm yourself, but you can take a bit of time to feel whatever comes. You are allowed to be angry, confused, hurt, numb, knowing, or even hateful. Whatever your emotions are, they are valid. They are yours. Do not be ashamed of them. And do not feel forced to share them before you are good and ready.

Your husband might panic and try to engage you right away, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with sending him away and telling him you are not ready to talk yet, and you will let him know when you are.

The Phrases That I Found Offered Me Some Relief And Defined Where He Had To Meet Me:  These are things that I said at various times. If these don’t work for you, don’t use them. Use what resonates or feels true to you.

“I’m devastated, and I need you to understand the depth of that.”

You don’t need to sugarcoat this for him. His actions are devastating and potentially marriage-altering, and he needs to own this. Yes, this may hurt him. But his actions have hurt you. Let him know.

2. “I need to know the truth. Absolutely no excuses or justifications.”

People who have affairs will often try to minimize it. They’ll say, “Oh, it was just a one-night stand.” Or, “I’ll never see her again.” That’s not good enough. You want to know how, why, and when this happened. You need ample information to know exactly what left you vulnerable. Don’t take this too far. You don’t need to know every sexual position used (because you will ruminate on it and constantly visualize it, which does you no good.) But you do need to know the honest truth so you can gauge what you are dealing with.

3. “This isn’t just about the cheating. It’s about your lies and the fact that I feel I can’t trust you.”

Yes, it is awful that he was physical with someone else, but for many wives, it is the lies that are the worst. Your spouse is supposed to be the person you can trust most in the world. He has breached that. You will doubt yourself when you go to trust him again. He needs to understand the damage he has caused so that he knows it is his responsibility to right it.

4. “I’m not making any rash decisions.”

Often, the cheating spouse will want to be forgiven as soon as possible. They’ll want you to move toward them because it feels like a relief. But you can refuse to be hurried and can be very blunt about the fact that you are going to take your time and then some.

5. “I won’t listen to silly defenses or you trying to blame me.”

Many spouses will try to convince you that you forced them into the affair, or they’ll offer up dumb excuses that make no sense. Unless you want to hear this endlessly, you need to put your foot down early. Now, no marriage is perfect. And we all have areas where we could improve. There’s nothing wrong with admitting that. But he was the one who chose to cheat. He shouldn’t attempt to blame you for this decision.

“I’m not here to comfort you:” Many cheating spouses will lay themselves at your feet. They’ll seemingly fall apart, tell you they can’t live without you, etc., etc. Don’t allow yourself to feel responsible for their feelings. You must take care of yourself before anyone else.

Use Caution: There are some things that you may be tempted to say. However, if you ever want to eventually reconcile with your spouse, you may regret them, they are:

• “I never want to see you again.”
• “I hate you.”
• “You’ve ruined everything.”

You may mean this in the heat of the moment, but in a year, you may regret these words. Cheating husbands CAN and DO become rehabilitated husbands, so you don’t necessarily want this to come back to bite you.

When You’re Considering Rehabilitation: There may be a time when you are open to reconciling. This isn’t a linear process. And if you need to back up, then say so. Simply say, “I am not ready to talk right now and need some time.”

He may push you to rebuild if you are open to that. There’s nothing wrong with saying you are open to it, but you might ask him if he is willing to put in the considerable work to make it right. As you are working through things, you can always use phrases like, “We’re not yet okay, but we haven’t totally closed the door.”

Take good care of yourself during this process. You always come first. Your well-being is always the priority. He will want to know what you are thinking or feeling. But if you don’t always know, you don’t always have to share.

I hope this has been helpful. I didn’t always say and do the perfect things after my husband’s affair. And I did say things I regretted. But we eventually righted ourselves, mostly due to my steering the ship. You can read about how I did that here.

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