Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: If you’ve recently found out about your spouse’s affair, then you probably already know that nothing feels “normal” anymore. In fact, one of the most common things I hear from readers is something like:

“I don’t even know what my life is now. Everything feels off. I can’t imagine going back to the way things were. But I also can’t imagine how to move forward. I just can’t imagine my life – and my marriage – ever feeling ‘normal’ ever again.”

And honestly? That’s a very real, very valid place to be.

After an affair, “normal” doesn’t magically snap back into place like flipping a light switch. The truth is, things probably won’t go back to the way they were. But that doesn’t mean they can’t be good again—or even, eventually, better, at least in some ways. It just means you’re heading into what is called a “new normal” in therapy circles. And while that might sound scary, it can also be something empowering and even healing, when done right.

Let’s talk about what this “new normal” really looks like, and how you can move toward it, one step at a time.

It Looks Like Letting Go of the Old Timeline:

One of the biggest struggles after infidelity is the expectation that you’ll “get over it” in a matter of weeks or months. But the truth? Healing isn’t linear. And it doesn’t come with a neat calendar attached.

Your new normal will likely involve allowing yourself (and your spouse, if they’re committed to repairing the damage) the time and space to process. This means there might be surprisingly good days followed by predictable painful ones. That’s okay and, frankly, to be expected.

You might wake up one morning feeling hopeful, and then crash into a memory or a trigger by afternoon. That doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re human. The new normal is learning to ride the waves without letting them drown you.

It Looks Like Rebuilding Emotional Safety And Eventually Trust

Everyone talks about rebuilding trust after an affair—and of course, that matters. But I’ve found that emotional safety is actually every bit as important.

What does that mean? It means you need to feel like you can be vulnerable again without fear of being hurt. It means your spouse needs to consistently show up—not just with words, but with actions. With transparency. With empathy.

It also means giving yourself permission to ask questions, to express your pain, and to be honest about what you need without feeling like you’re “too much.”

In a new normal, your marriage needs to become a safe space again. Or maybe for the first time. And that kind of safety comes from small, consistent acts—over time. So that you eventually know that you can let your guard down and you’ll be just fine.

It Looks Like Redefining Intimacy

Intimacy often takes a hit after betrayal—not just physical, but emotional too. You may feel repelled by your spouse one moment and desperately crave closeness the next. This is more common than most people realize.

Your new normal might include taking intimacy slowly and re-learning how to really connect—not just physically, but through trust, affection, shared vulnerability, and yes, even humor.

Some couples find it helpful to build intimacy through non-sexual closeness at first: cuddling on the couch, holding hands, taking walks together, talking before bed. Let it unfold naturally. Don’t rush it just to “feel normal.” You’re creating a new kind of intimacy, one built on deeper emotional honesty than before. I honestly put off sex for a while after my husband’s affair. I figured if he was serious, he would wait. (He did.) And that turned out to be a good choice for me.

It Looks Like Setting Boundaries (And Actually Sticking to Them)

One of the hardest parts of recovering from an affair is figuring out how to feel safe again—and boundaries are part of that. In the new normal, it’s okay (and sometimes necessary) to say things like:

• “I need full transparency with your phone and devices for now.”

• “I’m not comfortable with you hanging out with that coworker again.”

• “I need weekly check-ins so I don’t feel alone in this.”

Boundaries aren’t punishments. They’re protection. And they’re not forever—but they are usually necessary as trust is slowly rebuilt. A new normal means that your needs matter now. You’re allowed to ask for (and demand, if you have to) what gives you peace of mind.

It Looks Like Rebuilding You

Here’s something I say a lot, because I believe it with all my heart: After an affair, the marriage isn’t the only thing that needs healing. You do, too.

The new normal often means rediscovering who you are outside of the betrayal. This might look like pursuing interests you’ve put on the back burner, rebuilding your self-esteem and self-care routine, and reminding yourself daily that this was not your fault.

When your whole world feels shaken, finding your inner stability again is crucial. Your new normal needs to include the version of you that feels strong, centered, and worthy—no matter what your spouse does or doesn’t do.

It Looks Like Taking Ownership (On Both Sides)

In some marriages, both spouses are willing to do the work of rebuilding. And in others, only one is. I won’t sugarcoat it—if your spouse isn’t owning their behavior, showing remorse, or trying to make amends, then the new normal will be harder. And your decisions will be different.

But when both people are willing to show up with honesty and humility, the new normal can actually lead to a stronger relationship. Yes, the road there is painful. Yes, the trust has been broken. But sometimes, both people emerge from the rubble wiser, softer, and more aware of what matters.

That kind of ownership might mean uncomfortable conversations or facing the parts of the marriage that weren’t working. But if you’re both in it? That hard work can lead to real transformation.

So, Is the “New Normal” Worth It?

Only you can answer that. And you don’t have to answer it all at once.

For some, the new normal brings clarity, healing, and a deeper bond than ever before. For others, it means realizing their worth and choosing a different path. Both are valid. Both are courageous.

What I want you to remember is this: You’re not broken. You’re not weak for struggling. And you’re not crazy for still loving someone who hurt you – if that’s the route you want to go. Healing after infidelity is one of the most personal, winding journeys you’ll ever take.

But if you’re still standing today? You’re already stronger than you know.

And yes—your “normal” might look different from before. But that doesn’t mean it won’t be fulfilling again. I have a different marriage and after my husband’s affair, and after we did the work, our “normal” is different than it was before. But it’s no less fulfilling. And I have no regrets in saving my marriage after the infidelity. You can read about how I did it at https://surviving-the-affair.com