My Husband Cheated And I’m Obsessed With Making Him Jealous
By: Katie Lersch: If you’ve recently found out your husband cheated, I don’t have to tell you how confusing and all-consuming the emotional fallout can be. One minute, you’re crushed and numb. The next, you’re furious. Then comes the urge to do something — to regain a sense of control, to make him hurt even a fraction of the way he hurt you.
And that’s often when a very specific impulse creeps in:
“Maybe I can make him jealous.”
If you’re having thoughts like these — or if you’re already taking steps to try and stir jealousy in your husband — I want you to know first and foremost: you are not crazy or petty or broken. You’re reacting to betrayal. You’re trying to understand a world that no longer feels safe. And yes, you may be subconsciously trying to reclaim your power.
But does making your husband jealous actually help? Or could it hurt your chances of healing ?
Let’s talk about it.
The Emotional Need Behind the Jealousy Urge:
When your husband cheats, a huge part of the pain comes from what the affair implies. You may suddenly feel that you’re not good enough. Not sexy enough. Not fun enough. Not interesting enough.
Even if your rational mind knows that his choice to cheat says more about him than it ever will about you, your wounded heart may be screaming:
“I want him to know what it feels like to lose me.”
“I want him to think someone else might want me, too.”
“I want to matter again.”
That’s what the jealousy drive is really about. It’s not just about making him squirm (although let’s be honest — that might feel satisfying in the moment). It’s about trying to regain some of the confidence, desirability, and power that the affair stole from you.
And that is an understandable reaction.
Will Making Him Jealous Actually Work?:
This is where things get a little tricky.
Yes, in some cases, a cheating spouse does react when their betrayed partner starts showing signs of independence, confidence, or interest from others. He may get territorial. He may suddenly “remember” that he doesn’t want to lose you.
But here’s the problem: that kind of reaction is often rooted in ego, not real remorse or love. It’s not that he truly understands your pain or is committed to rebuilding trust. It’s because his pride is injured.
You might get his attention. But is it the kind of attention you actually want? And more importantly, does it help you heal?
The Risk of Hurting Yourself More
Some women tell me they’ve tried to make their husband jealous by dressing provocatively, pretending to flirt with coworkers, or planting seeds about an “old friend” getting in touch. Others go further and actually try to date during the affair aftermath.
And here’s what I hear again and again:
“I thought I’d feel powerful. But I just felt empty.”
“I wanted him to feel jealous, but it ended up making me feel worse.”
“Now he’s accusing me of being unfaithful, and I feel even more defensive.”
When you act from a place of deep hurt, it’s very easy to miscalculate. The short-term satisfaction of making him squirm might be followed by regret, guilt, or confusion — especially if he reacts negatively or uses it as justification for pulling away even more.
And that’s the thing. You don’t want to become someone you’re not just to make a point. You don’t want to lose even more of yourself in the aftermath of his betrayal.
So What Should You Do Instead?
I’m not saying you shouldn’t focus on your appearance, your confidence, or your own healing. In fact, I highly encourage it. But I want you to do it for you, not to manipulate or provoke him.
Here are some healthier ways to process those jealous-driven feelings:
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Work on rebuilding your self-worth.
Focus on the things that make you feel strong, attractive, and whole. This might mean journaling, a new fitness goal, or reconnecting with passions you put on the back burner. -
Surround yourself with affirming people.
Spend time with people who remind you of your worth, with or without your husband. -
Set boundaries that prioritize your healing.
If your husband is giving mixed signals, pressuring you to “just get over it,” or failing to show real remorse, it’s OK to step back and protect your emotional space. -
Decide what you want moving forward.
Do you want to save the marriage? Is he showing you that he’s willing to do the work? These questions are important — and they should guide your actions more than a momentary desire to “get back at him.”
Reclaim Your Power — Without Losing Yourself
Here’s the truth I’ve had to learn — and the truth many women eventually come to embrace:
You don’t need to make him jealous to prove your worth.
Your value isn’t tied to whether your husband notices you, wants you back, or feels possessive. You are worthy of love and loyalty because of who you are — not because of how well you play emotional chess.
You can regain your power by healing. By growing. By becoming someone who no longer feels desperate for his attention — because you know you can stand on your own, no matter what happens.
Ironically, that is often what changes the dynamic in the relationship. When you stop chasing and start shining, he may finally wake up and realize what he stands to lose.
But even if he doesn’t? You win. Because you didn’t become bitter. You didn’t become someone you’re not. And you didn’t need to use jealousy as your weapon.
You chose to fight for yourself instead. I chose to fight for myself. That ultimately led to me saving my marriage. But in the beginning, it was all for selfish reasons. It was all for myself. I have no regrets. You can read my story at https://surviving-the-affair.com
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