Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By Katie Lersch: I sometimes dialogue with folks who are struggling to make sense of what happened after an affair. Some are trying to save their marriage. Some are just trying to hold it together long enough to figure out what they really want. But one thing that comes up over and over again is this deep, lingering pain that doesn’t seem to go away. And when I dig a little deeper, the wife will usually say something like:

“He never really apologized.”

Or:

“He says he’s sorry I’m hurt, but he’s never taken full responsibility.”

If this sounds familiar, you are so not alone. I know from experience how confusing and painful this is. It’s one thing to be devastated by an affair. But it’s another to feel like you’re expected to just move on without the one thing your heart keeps waiting for: a real, genuine, humble, heartfelt apology.

So what do you do when the apology never comes—or when it’s half-hearted, defensive, or more about protecting his own guilt than acknowledging your pain?

Here’s what I’ve learned, both from my own journey and from other wives who have walked through this too.

1. Understand What a Real Apology Should Look Like

Let’s be clear: saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” is not an apology. Neither is “Well, I didn’t mean to hurt you” or “We both made mistakes.” Those are deflections. They shift the blame or minimize your pain.

A real apology acknowledges the betrayal. It doesn’t rush you to move on. It doesn’t defend the indefensible. And it makes you feel seen.

But here’s the hard part: not every husband is emotionally equipped to give that kind of apology—at least not right away. And some never do.

That doesn’t mean you can’t heal. But it does mean you’ll need to shift the focus away from waiting on him—and start focusing on what you can control.

2. Give Yourself the Validation He Won’t

When my husband wouldn’t apologize the way I needed at first, I stayed stuck in this place of waiting. Yes, he tried to apologize. But it just didn’t feel like it was deep enough. I kept waiting for closure. Waiting for him REALLY to acknowledge the hurt. Waiting for the words that would finally make it all feel like it mattered to him. I’m not even sure the exact words I was waiting for, but I felt like I’d know then when I heard them.

But eventually, I realized I had to validate myself—because whether or not he could face what he did didn’t change the truth: I was deeply hurt. I didn’t deserve it. And the pain I felt was real and valid.

Write that down somewhere if you need to. Because the lack of a proper apology can mess with your head. It can make you feel like maybe you’re overreacting. Or maybe you did something to deserve it.

You didn’t.

3. Watch His Actions—Not Just His Words

Some husbands just aren’t great with words. It doesn’t excuse it, but it’s reality.

Still, even if he never says the exact words you wish he would, there’s something more important than what he says: what he does.

Is he trying to rebuild your trust?
Is he open to talking—even when it’s uncomfortable?
Is he giving you the space to grieve?
Is he making the changes that show he’s serious about never going down this road again?

Sometimes, men will say all the right things but change nothing. Other times, they’ll stumble through their apologies but show through their actions that they’re committed to making things right.

4. Grieve the Apology You Didn’t Get

This part doesn’t get talked about enough. When you don’t get the apology you needed, it’s a loss in itself.

It’s okay to grieve that.

You’re grieving not just the betrayal, but the reality that the person who hurt you may never fully understand what they did. And that’s a hard pill to swallow.

It’s also okay to feel angry about that. In fact, it’s healthy. Just don’t let it harden you. Feel it. Write about it. Cry it out. But then, when you’re ready, let it move through you, not live inside you.

5. Choose What Kind of Healing You Want—With or Without Him

Here’s something I say a lot, because it was true for me: You can start healing whether your husband participates or not.

You don’t need his permission. You don’t need his perfect apology. Would it help? Absolutely. But your healing doesn’t depend on him getting it right. It depends on you deciding that your future matters more than staying stuck in the pain he caused.

Eventually, if your husband wants to rebuild with you, he’ll have to come to terms with the reality of what he did. Sometimes, the apology comes later—after the dust has settled and he finally starts to see the damage clearly.

But whether it comes or not, you deserve to move forward with your head held high and your heart on the path to wholeness.

When my husband had an affair and I was left with a sort of vague apology. I felt like I couldn’t move forward until I got the apology I really wanted. But what I learned is that the real power didn’t come from him—it came from me choosing to stop waiting.

I focused on becoming whole again. On regaining my peace. On reclaiming the parts of me that got lost in the hurt.

You’re not crazy for wanting an apology. But you’re also not powerless without it.

If you want to read more about how I navigated this process and eventually got to a better place in my marriage—and in myself—you can find that story on my blog at https://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin