What Leads Up To An Affair?
By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who are trying to understand or figure out what things contributed to their spouse cheating or having an affair. Sometimes, their spouse makes sincere attempts to explain their behavior or themselves. But their explanations often aren’t enough, don’t make sense, or just don’t begin to touch all of the questions that you have. And truly trying to understand the things that lead up to the affair can feel vitally important to you because you feel that if you can begin to understand it, then you could have faith that you could identify the signs if they should ever appear again. This knowledge will help you begin to heal and will be the cornerstone in allowing you to trust again.
I often hear from spouses who say things like: “my husband can’t or won’t explain what lead up to the affair. I need to understand this because I don’t want for this to ever happen to me again. But how can I understand it when he won’t or can’t give me the information that I need? Can you tell me what sorts of things lead up to an affair?” Another example is something like: “my wife denies that anything was wrong with our marriage. And yet, she cheated on me with another man. She says I was a wonderful, attentive husband and that none of this was my fault. How is that possible? Why would someone cheat on a spouse that they love? Why would someone have an affair when their marriage is good? How does an affair just start up out of the blue?” I will try to address these questions in the following article.
The Things That Lead Up To An Affair: The contributing factors to an affair vary just like the people who are involved vary. People are different and are motivated by many different factors. With that said, there are some universal things that can lead up to or cause an affair. Here are some of them.
Individual Crisis: I believe that is probably the most common thing that leads up to an affair. It is not coincidence that you will often see an affair in mid life, after the death of a parent, after the loss of a job, or at a time when you feel some sort of loss. People often tell me that, at the time of their affair, they felt as if their life was missing something. Or that the same life didn’t make them feel alive because it wasn’t exciting enough. Of course, what they do not see at the time is that this often didn’t have a thing to do with their marriage. It’s not their spouse’s fault that they are not living their own life fully, although they often cannot see that at the time.
Often, they feel as if they are lost and are trying to find their way. And the affair can be an unplanned diversion that allows them to ignore or live around whatever it is that is hurting or bothering them. It’s usually not until some time has passed that they are able to clearly see their mistake and to discover that they were reacting to their own shortcomings and vulnerabilities due to anything that happened with their spouse or their marriage.
They Feel Unappreciated, Misunderstood, Or Not Desired: It’s not uncommon for me to hear from people who have cheated or had an affair who are using excuses like: “my wife doesn’t understand me.” or “my husband didn’t listen to me,” or “my spouse doesn’t appreciate or get me” as justification for their cheating. Of course, there is never any justification for cheating, but you will hear these explanations time and time again. Again, this comes back to feeling vulnerable about external factors in your life. It’s easy to blame your own lack of confidence and security on your spouse, when in fact you could have asked for what you needed. But placing at least some of the blame on the state of their marriage or their spouse is a very common theme.
An Affair Can Be A Way To Reclaim A Certain Period Or Feeling In A Life: I often hear about people who began a Facebook affair because doing so makes them feel better about themselves. Sometimes, they reconnect with old loves and, other times, they connect with virtual strangers who only know the persona that they have so carefully crafted. When the cheating spouse begins a new relationship, they get to a be a shiny and new person who is better than their real self. This type of reinvention can be very exciting and appealing and it’s a big reason for the huge upswing in affairs that begin online. You get to be who you want to be and the person you are cheating with only knows you from the details that you yourself have so carefully crafted and then provided.
Understand That Many People Don’t Start Out Intending To Have An Affair: I do firmly believe that many people do not consciously intend to have an affair. Even if their behavior is obvious or inappropriate to others, this often is not the case with themselves. They will tell themselves that the other person is just a friend. They will feel relieved that the other person listens to or appreciates them. And they will tell themselves that they will pull away from the relationship if and when it crosses the line. Of course, when it does the cross the line and the cheating starts, it’s not always as easy to reign it in as was originally thought.
There are times when they believe that they have developed real feelings for the other person or the payoff from the forbidden nature of the affair makes it more exciting and so the pay off is very high, especially at first. Once the line is crossed, the lines in the sand aren’t always as clear. And often panic sets in, which makes sound decision making hard to come by.
None of this means that your marriage can’t be saved after an affair, especially if you can understand the flawed mindset that lead up to it in the first place. It was very hard for me to understand what lead up to my husband’s affair. We were happy. Our lives and our marriage were good. But I was open to listening and what I learned was a real eye opener. If it helps, you can read the whole personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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