Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from both husbands and wives who want to know the same thing: “How do I get over the affair so I can move forward?”

Sometimes they mean they want to save the marriage. Other times, they just want to stop feeling the pain every single day.

But here’s the truth I’ve learned –  “getting over” an affair isn’t a simple, one-step process. There are layers to it.
The spouse who was betrayed often wants to move past the shock, the hurt, and the endless questions about why. The person who cheated may need to “get over” their guilt, shame, or even lingering emotional ties to the other person.

No matter which side you’re on, one thing is certain: staying stuck in the pain, guilt, or anger only keeps you trapped. These feelings are completely normal – but they aren’t meant to be permanent.

In this post, I’ll share some thoughts on how to start loosening that emotional grip so you can begin to move forward, whether your goal is rebuilding your marriage or simply finding peace again.

Give Yourself Permission To Grieve: The first thing I tell anyone who has been cheated on is this: you are allowed to grieve. You need to grieve.

When you first discover the affair, it can feel like someone knocked the breath out of you. You question your worth, your attractiveness, your instincts – and even your past. It’s devastating. And yet, most people try to rush through that pain, believing that if they can just “get over it,” they’ll stop hurting.

But healing doesn’t work that way. If you skip over the grief, it just comes back later in new forms — mistrust, resentment, or numbness.

So don’t let anyone (including your spouse) push you to “move on” before you’re ready. Take the time you need to process, cry, journal, talk, or even scream. This is not weakness – it’s part of reclaiming your strength.

Make Sure You Have The Whole Truth: When I talk to wives whose husbands have had affairs, they usually fall into one of two categories:
Some don’t want to know a single detail. Others want to know everything.

The truth is, there isn’t one right way to handle it. But to truly move forward, you do need enough information to feel safe again.

Ask yourself: do I believe he understands what his actions did to me? Does he truly regret it – or is he just sorry he got caught? Does he understand why it happened and what needs to change so it never happens again?

Because unless those questions are answered honestly, it’s almost impossible to rebuild trust. You’ll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

If your spouse is sincere, he’ll be willing to answer your questions (even the hard ones) and offer reassurance without resentment. He’ll also understand that you may need more openness for a while – knowing where he is, who he’s with, and hearing genuine words of affection and commitment.

Rebuilding a marriage after an affair requires transparency, patience, and constant communication. Both people need to feel heard and safe. Without that, “getting over it” is just pretending – and pretending never lasts.

Balance The Hard Conversations With Positive Moments: It’s absolutely necessary to talk about the affair – why it happened, how to prevent it from happening again, and what both of you need to heal. But if every moment between you is heavy or painful, your marriage can start to feel like one long counseling session.

So once the worst of the storm passes, make room for lighter moments. Go for a walk together. Watch a movie. Have dinner out where you don’t talk about the affair at all.

You don’t have to force intimacy – that can come later, when it feels natural. But do try to create new memories that remind you both why you fell in love in the first place.

And don’t forget about yourself in this process. Spend time doing things that make you feel whole again — a hobby, time with friends, exercise, prayer, anything that restores your sense of self. The more grounded you feel, the easier it becomes to handle the emotional ups and downs of rebuilding.

Healing Takes Time – But It’s Worth It: Getting over an affair isn’t about forgetting it happened. It’s about reaching a place where the pain no longer controls you.

That takes honesty, effort, and a willingness – from both people –  to meet each other halfway. You’ll know you’re getting there when you no longer feel the need to check his phone, when you stop replaying the betrayal in your mind every night, and when you can talk about the future without the affair overshadowing everything.

For me, getting past my husband’s affair took time –  more time than I wanted, honestly. There were setbacks and moments I almost gave up. But it was worth it. Because today, our marriage is stronger, more honest, and more connected than it’s ever been.

If you’re struggling right now, please don’t assume this is the end of your story. Whether you save your marriage or simply save yourself, healing is possible. You just have to take it one day, one truth, and one small act of courage at a time.