Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who greatly regret having an affair and who now want to undo the damage and turn their attention to saving their marriage. Often though, while their intentions may well be genuine, the situation itself can be quite tricky. They often wonder what is the best way to break things off with the other person. There’s often a concern that the other person won’t take it well or may even attempt to retaliate. This can leave the cheating spouse asking themselves whether it’s better to just abruptly break things off without much explanation of if they should explain things and risk an undesirable reaction or outcome.

I heard from a wife who said: “I’ve been having an affair with a guy from my job. Actually, for the last two months, things have cooled down between us. My husband has had a health scare and it has made me realize how much I love my husband and how much I don’t want to lose him. I want him in my life and I know that continuing the work relationship is putting that in jeopardy. So my number one priority right now is saving my marriage. But I’m wondering if I need to explain this to the guy at work. Part of me thinks it’s best if I just cut off all contact with him. We don’t work in the same department so it’s not like I see him all of the time or have to interact with him. If I told him I was going to try to save my marriage, I’d be worried that he would try to contact my husband or would try to make my life difficult at work. But if I give him an explanation, that’s just inviting him into my life and into my marriage. And it might leave the whole thing up for debate. He has been there for me during some hard times. He’s not an awful person. I don’t want to behave like a jerk. But my marriage is my priority. Do I need to tell this guy why I’m breaking it off?”

This seems like a simple question, but there are at least two concerns here. The wife wanted to know how much of an explanation you owe someone with whom you’ve had an affair. She also wanted to know how to end the affair so that it had the least impact on her life moving forward and gave her the greatest chance of saving her marriage. I will cover both questions below.

How Much Of An Explanation Do You Owe The Other Person? This really is matter of personal preference depending upon your comfort level and the nature of the relationship. Since an affair is by definition not admirable behavior, there’s really no proper etiquette for it, so in my opinion this shouldn’t be your first concern.

The wife said that the relationship had already begun to cool a bit on it’s own. So it was possible that the other man wouldn’t be all that upset about it ending or require a long, drawn out explanation. It’s my opinion that it’s probably to every one’s benefit to tell the other person that the relationship should end because it isn’t the right course of action for either of you. It was simply a mistake that can be corrected by ending it now. No one can really argue with that logic and it doesn’t get too personal or specific. You’ve given them the courtesy of an explanation which doesn’t invite a long debate. Sure, they may ask you if you’re ending it has anything to do with your spouse or your marriage, but since your relationship is over, this isn’t their business or concern.

Protect Your Marriage And Your Spouse: Here is where it can get tricky. You want to set it up so that they aren’t overly interested in your spouse or in your marriage. The last thing you want is for this coworker to start calling your husband or inserting himself into your marriage. This isn’t fair to your husband (who has done nothing wrong) and it’s awful for your marriage.

So, you don’t want to get so defensive about this that it encourages more interest or shows them your vulnerability in this area. If the other man asks about your marriage or your spouse, repeat that you’re ending things because you know that your actions are wrong and being deceitful is taking it’s toll.

Try To End Things In A Way That Discourages Drama: You probably know the personality of the other person well enough to know what is going to get under their skin. If they need for you to wish them well in order for them to let you go without the drama, there’s nothing wrong with that. But don’t give them any hope that you will change your mind. Try to conduct yourself in a way that shows them compassion, but that also leaves little doubt that it’s completely over.

You want to be careful that you are not implying blame, judgement or fault. You want to make it clear that they did nothing wrong and that you take responsibility for your part in the relationship. In short, you don’t want to give them reason to harbor any need for anger or retaliation. But you want to make it clear that it’s really over.

My answer to the question posed would be that your first priority should be protecting your marriage and your spouse.  If sharing any information about your marriage is going to make things worse, then I would simply say that you are ending things because you no longer want to be deceptive or to do something that you know in your heart is wrong.  Because this is the truth.

Frankly, this part is less important than your interactions with your spouse.  But you do want to handle this in a way that allows you to break away so that you can focus on your spouse as soon as possible.  Once I found out about my husband’s affair, he didn’t waste any time ending things with the other person, which was greatly to his benefit. You’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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