Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who feel guilty for wanting to withdrawal from their marriage (at least temporarily) after an affair has occurred. Sometimes, the person who wants to withdrawal is the cheating spouse. But sometimes, it is the faithful spouse.

Common comments from the cheating spouse are things like: “I know that my affair was wrong. And I have ended it for good. I know that things could never work out in the long term between myself and the other person. Now that some time has passed, I can look at things more objectively and I can see the problems and the unhealthy nature of that relationship. So, in no way do I want to pursue the affair any more. But at the same time, I am still reeling from this whole experience. I have no doubt that my spouse would be willing to work on my marriage. And I am grateful for that. But right now, I just want to be on my own for a while to figure out what was so damaged within me that I would do something like this to someone who I sincerely love. But, I’m afraid that my spouse is going to take this the wrong way. I am afraid that it is going to hurt my spouse more than I have already hurt her and that is the last thing that I want. Do I have any right to ask to be on my own right now so that I can sort things out? Or do I just need to put my own needs aside and think of my spouse? I don’t want to turn my back on my marriage. I think that there is a chance that one day we could work things out. So I don’t want to take this time if it has the potential to ruin my marriage. What can I do?”

Common comments from the faithful spouse are things like: “my spouse admitted to his affair. He has worked hard to earn back my trust. I do give him credit for trying. I know that he loves me and I know that he is doing all that he can. But the damage is done. I am not saying that I absolutely want a divorce or even a formal separation. But I do feel as if I want to take some time on my own for a while. I’m not saying that I want to be single. I really don’t know what I want. But when I start to hint that I would like some time on my own, my spouse starts to panic. He jumps to conclusions and assumes that this means that I will never forgive him and am moving on without him. This isn’t necessarily true. But I don’t think I’m ever going to know what I really want until I go out on my own. That way, if I decide I want to save our marriage, then I’ll know that it isn’t under duress and it was my own choice. Does that make sense?”

It absolutely does make sense. Especially to me because I was the faithful spouse. But, I also understand why people make unfortunate assumptions that bring about a great deal of risk. Often, the marriage is already extremely vulnerable and folks already expect the worst. So you have to understand that if this isn’t handled correctly, things can deteriorate even further. And even if you never intended for going out on your own to end your marriage, this can be the eventual outcome. In order to avoid that, I’ll offer some tips below.

 Consider Taking Some Time For Yourself Without Making Any Permanent Or Far Reaching Decisions: People sometimes believe that if they are going to take some time for themselves, then they must make a big proclamation and make the drastic measure of separating. This doesn’t have to be the case. Sometimes, you can stay with friends. You can get away for a short time. Or you can even move into another part of your house while you make it very clear that you aren’t going to make any meaningful decisions until you take your time to evaluate more thoroughly. It is much better to take the time and make a sound decision with a clear head and heart than to give into pressure and do something that you don’t really want to do.

If You Do Pull Away, Consider Ways To Check In And Stay Connected: If your marriage could still potentially be important to you, then you probably just do not want abruptly leave your spouse without any plan of when or if you will be in touch. If you must leave, then at least consider scheduling regular times to meet with or check in with your spouse. Probably the easiest way to do this is to go to counseling together at a set times so that at least during that meeting, you get to touch base with one another. This way, no one assumes the worst. If you don’t embrace counseling, then agree on a regular time to meet for dinner or at the very least talk on the phone. You don’t want for your spouse to feel abandoned or to think that you will leave and never look back.

Because the truth is, you just don’t know what the future holds. You don’t know what your heart is going to tell you after you take this time. So you don’t want to close any doors or make an impulsive decision that means that you acted prematurely. So to answer the question posed, I understand why you want to be on your own and I think that this strategy can work as long as it is carried out correctly.

I took some time for myself after my husband’s affair.  This was necessary because I couldn’t relate to him or be in his presence at the time.  Once I calmed down and processed everything, it was much easier for me to determine a course of action.  And this truly did make a big difference so that recovery and a reconciliation was possible.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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