Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

by: Katie Lersch: Finding out that your husband cheated is a fate that few would wish on their worst enemy. There are few things more painful, more difficult to overcome, and more likely to shake your world to its core. It’s no wonder then that you would want someone who will listen and be there for you as you navigate through this difficult time. You’ve likely been there to offer a shoulder, or a hand, or an ear. So now that you’re facing the same thing, it’s only natural for you to want the same support.

So why do you hesitate when you pick up the phone or start to tell your story? Because your intuition tells you (and rightly so) that how you feel right now and what the situation is right now may well change over time. You may loathe your husband right now and never want to see him again. But, no matter how hard it is for you to believe this right now, you may not feel the same way three months from now or three years from now. You may not want this news to follow you around like a bad penny everywhere you go. And, that’s why you should be careful who you tell, which I’ll discuss more in the following article.

Define Why You Really Want To Tell Someone About His Cheating: Often, we will call or tell different friends for different purposes. For example, if we are furious with our husband and hate the mere thought of him right now, then we will call a friend who never really cared for him or who always told us that we could do better because this friend is going to tell us what we want to hear (at least at this time.)

If we feel injured, guilty, or even ashamed that we may eventually want to work things out then we’ll call the sympathetic friend who knows what this is like from the experience of the cheated on and who was able to save her relationship – even in the face of infidelity. In short, we are looking for confirmation and the person who is going to be able to give this is going to vary depending on our mood at the time.

Understand That You Can’t Take Back This Information (Use Caution When Telling Family And Couple Friends):  Here’s the truth. You may well go through very different perceptions and decisions during this process. You may want to work things out today and then be filled with rage tomorrow. You may hate him today and then decide that he does have some redeeming qualities and that you don’t want to break up your family next month. In other words, you are understandably going to flip-flop back and forth because you have a lot to process right now and it’s understandably difficult.

So, you may want to hold off on saying things that you may later regret to someone who isn’t your husband. Yes, he deserves whatever reaction that you may have right now because he is the responsible party, but is his parents? His sister? His best friend? These folks are not a party to your marriage and should not be brought into it, in my experience. This is just my opinion, of course.

And, as tempting as it is to seek support from your own family or close couple friends, know that if you do tell them about the affair or the cheating, they are never going to look at your husband in the same way again. This is going to follow him, and therefore you, around forever. Do you really want their judgments, their interest, and questions? Do you really want to revisit this with anyone other than you? And, what if you later change your mind? Do you want to have to backtrack, explain, or deal with issues that crop up in that relationship?

Finding The Perfect Confidant: With all of this said, most people really want someone to listen and to stand beside them as they are going through this. And, most people can usually find such a person. You just have to choose carefully. Of course, a therapist is an obvious choice, but this person will usually have no history with you and therefore can lack the closeness that you may crave. 

I usually feel that the person best suited for this job is someone who is impartial and doesn’t have any stake in the outcome. In other words, the person shouldn’t have a preconceived opinion about your husband that they are going to fall over themselves to share. What you’re looking for is someone who can listen impartially and just be there to support you without offering judgment or even advice. And, if you don’t take their advice or catch their hints (which they shouldn’t be giving anyway,) they won’t become frustrated by this, because they are not wrapped up in the outcome. They just want to support you. T

And, you definitely don’t want someone who went through this same thing but it ended badly. You don’t want someone who’s going to say “All men will cheat and that’s why we don’t need them,” or “Well now the two of us can paint the town red as single women,” or “That’s why you have to keep him happy at home,” etc. You may later decide to go out and have fun with this person, but that decision should be yours without any pressure.

At the end of the day, this experience is yours. Do not allow someone else to sway a decision that is only yours. Because you’re only looking for support — not judgments or to deal with all of the issues of the other person.