Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many people try to gauge if there is going to be regret if their marriage ends because of an affair. And this can cause concern from both the faithful spouse and the cheating spouse.

Perspectives From The Cheating Spouse: From the cheating spouse, you might hear a comment like: “I am just going to be completely honest and say that I am in love with the other woman. I do not want to give her up. I feel like I do not want to live my life without her. She adds something to my life that I have not felt in a very long time and I can’t imagine giving that up. At the same time, my wife is a wonderful person and I hate the thought of hurting her and leaving her on her own. But, I can’t deny what I feel for the other woman. My biggest concern is my kids. I know that getting divorced will have a very negative effect on them. I was talking to my brother about this and he said that I need to find a way to love my wife again and save my family. He divorced because of an affair and although he said he felt confident about that decision at the time, he now regrets it more than any mistake he has ever made. He says that I will regret allowing an affair to cause me to divorce my wife also. Will I?”

While I can’t tell you how you might feel in the future, I can tell you that many people do express regret. Many people assume that the only time that someone feels regret is when the relationship with the other person doesn’t work out. This is sometimes true, but not always. Sometimes, there is regret even when the other relationship does work out. There is regret at the way that they handled it and for the way that they left the marriage without having the integrity to separate their marriage from the affair. It is one thing to start a relationship after you gave your marriage every fair chance and ultimately failed. But it is another thing to turn a blind eye to your family because you are so short-sighted because of the affair. Many people say that they wished they would have at least handled things differently and not put their own feelings before the feelings of their family. They feel regret that things worked out as they did and that they caused so much pain because of their actions.  There is often a lot of shame involved.  Because they know that they could have done better.

Perspectives From The Faithful Spouse: From the faithful spouse, you might hear a comment like: “I can not fathom trying to save a marriage with a man who has lied to and cheated on me. I do not want to be with someone who can betray me in this way. At the same time, my first priority is my kids. What is this going to do to them? What if ten years down the road I find myself still alone and I look back and wish that I would have given my husband a chance to make this up to me? Is it possible that I will regret it if I divorce my husband because of his affair?”

I do hear from faithful spouses who feel regret that they didn’t try to save their marriages, but I find this scenario less common. I find that it is more likely for the cheating spouse to feel regret and this is likely because it’s obvious that most of the blame lies with the spouse who chose to cheat.

With that said, I’ve found that both parties often do feel regret if they look back later and feel that they may have acted very swiftly. Many wish they had given it a little more time and “earned their way out.” What I mean by this is that many will tell you that they wish they could look back and honestly say that they had tried everything in their power to save their marriage before they made the decision to divorce. They might mention that they should have tried counseling or they might have tried to give it a little time to see if their anger or their feelings would have faded before they made the drastic decision to divorce. In short, when both parties feel regret, it usually is focused on the fact that they wished they would have given it a little more effort before they walked away.  And they wish they could have not been as emotional in front of their children. You will commonly hear them say “I wish I would have handled it differently and not let my emotions get away with me.  I wish I had set a better example for my kids.”

So what does this mean if you’re in the middle of a marriage where the affair is fresh? I can only offer suggestions. This decision is ultimately yours. But I would suggest at least considering a little time and perhaps some professional help before you make a decision with as many serious and long-reaching consequences as a divorce.  I know that this is a painful time, but try to always attempt to act in a way that you can proud of when you look back.

I can honestly say that my children were the sole reason I gave my husband another chance after his affair.  If it hadn’t been for this, I would have left without a glance back.  But, I’m glad that I hung in there and waited to see what would happen.  Because I have a very happy and strong family today.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin